24 Jun 2010

Is The USA For Real With This?

Yes I know that this is an old headline from two weeks ago, but I’m going to address it in part, at least while we are still enjoying/tolerating [delete as appropriate] the World Cup. So forgive me, I’ve been busy. I have a habit of starting a blog and then leaving it mid-way through and working on another one. I repeat this until I have about 7 or 8 unfinished blogs just piling up all over the place. I still haven’t even finished my blog review of Sex & The City 2. I don’t care though I’m still going to post it. There’s never any expiration date on what I have to say. 

On Topic:
First off! It’s called a DRAW not a TIE. There are no TIES in Football the game in which players predominately use their FEET, refrain from kicking it once and run with the ball cradled under their arm in head to toe padding like a pansy! *COUGH* NFL *COUGH*

REAL MEN play Rugby. Rugby is American Football WITHOUT the helmets and padding. This may get me a lot of grief from American Football fans but I don’t care. I’ll respect them a little more when they get rid of all that costume guff, where I can actually see who is on the field and not just a number on a shirt. I'm not saying they aren’t fit [as in health wise], just saying they aren’t that brave whilst running with a ball.

I L.O.V.E. the USA, I really do. You have finer men, a great national anthem [of which I know every word to, but don't know the ones to ours]. You have better food, are much friendlier and in most states have better weather than us. You give us great entertainers, movies, music, actors, singers, legends. Hell...YOU GAVE US LAS VEGAS, NEW YORK, MIAMI and Sex & The City! [We'll forgive you for the 2nd movie…Just not yet it’s still too raw...too too raw].

I probably spend more of my money in the USA than I do here. No actually aside from bills etc I do. No probably about it, but some of you are some damn fools I swear. Go on and clutch your pearls, I'll explain why shortly. Its front pages like this, The Republican Party and your last President that gives you guys a bad rep, as well as some other dumb stuff. The New York Post does not speak for the whole of the United States of America I know, but it’s not putting your nation in the greatest of lights either. A lot of Brits just point, laugh and respect you that little bit less, and its a shame really, cause for the most part you guys are lovely as hell!

To round it off as a Brit there are some things I’d like some people in the USA to know.
  • USA played England NOT Britain in their first World Cup Game. Yes it was reported on some US media outlets that the match was “USA v Britain” **Bangs head on desk**
  • Britain/Great Britain is made up of the following countries : England, Scotland and Wales.
  • United Kingdom (UK) is made up of Britain/Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
  • London is the capital of England.
  • Edinburgh is the capital of Scotland.
  • Cardiff is the capital of Wales.
  • 1-1 is a DRAW not a TIE.
  • 1-1 does not constitute to the USA winning a damn thing. You don’t even need to know the rules of the game to know that 1-1 is NOT a win.

Things we’d like you to know aside from football:

  • We do NOT all know the Queen. Stop asking us that!
  • There ARE black people in the UK. There are also Black Irish, Scottish, Welsh and English people here too.
  • We know you don’t like English food; well guess what....neither do a lot of us here either and have over 5,000 restaurants in London alone. Pick a cuisine and shut up your moaning. If we can manage avoiding English food for a lifetime, then you can also for a poxxy 5 day holiday.
  • Learn our words for a change. If we know sidewalk is a pavement, trunk is a boot, and vacation is a holiday, then so should you.
  • We really don’t give a f*** about how much you love Benny Hill. We just don’t! He died over 18 years ago and you're the only ones keeping his memory alive. Every time you mention him I'm reminded of every Monday night at 8pm just how much I hated my childhood for 30 minutes a week because of him.
  • Please refrain from saying “Oh my goodness that’s so cool.” If you meet a Brit on US soil and they tell you they’re from London. We don’t wake up in the morning thinking that, and find it overly moronic that you do...constantly!
  • No, our streets are not cobbled. [Yes someone actually asked me that in Miami].
  • Every food, grocery, drink, car that you have in the USA is NOT sold in the UK. So please stop acting surprised when you find out that there are no Church’s, Popeye’s or Ihop here. Come to the UK for some culture, something different and if you can't bear to be parted from your fried chicken, waffles and pancakes for a week, then stay home!
  • Exercise that passport of yours, come on over and see that we don’t have Nissan Altima’s or Ford F-150’s over here. Yes some people I speak to are genuinely shocked by this. Do you want us to drive the same cars as you as well? Why is it ALL ABOUT YOU AMERICA? Why?
  • Saying “Oh yeah, you guys drive on the wrong side of the road AND the car over there. What’s up with that?” will warrant a slap. I did not invent the car, nor have anything to do with the Highway Code or rules and regulations of the roads over here. Stop asking me car and driving questions. I'm on vacation I'm not a representative for Queen and country working for some secret Government agency.
  • Me: I don't like James Bond. Them: "But he's British!" Me: "What am I supposed to say to that? I'm supposed to like him because he's British, when he isn't even REAAAAAAAAAL?"
  • If I’m watching a show and commenting about it on Twitter, please don’t ask me what channel is it on so that you can tune it. [This has happened to me before I kid you not].You’re 5,000 miles away. Our networks are NOT the same.
  • The BIGGEST annoyance....I get complimented on my accent every time I open my mouth. That  small part right there is fine. I think for some it’s even stranger that I’m British and Black. They just want to hear me talk. LOOK!!! I am NOT a performing seal, bear, killer whale or monkey! Geeeeeeez it's all “Say something! Wow that’s so cool.” 
  • This is the part where I always need a drink: “Oh my gosh you have an accent.” This is when my face is non-responsive and I’m looking at the person like a prize twat.
My response is usually along the lines of “Thanks. I like yours too.” 
This then gets a “Oh. I don’t have an accent.”
**Pause. Big A$$ pause!**


I have a British accent!
You have an American accent!

EVERYBODY ON THE PLANET HAS AN ACCENT! Indian, Pakistani, Jamaican, Bajan, Trinidadian, Liverpudlian, Mancunian, Texan, Bostonian etc etc etc….if you can speak, you got one. Got it?

Why is it that every American I meet claims to NOT have an accent? Boston, New York, Southern, plain good old fashioned American…it’s an accent people. The last person that said that to me was an older black woman working at Hudson News at the airport terminal in Chicago. “Do I detect an accent?” as she leaned into my face saying it like I was a rare specimen at the zoo. I was this close to going ABH on one of my US elders. Get out my face grandma! Fall back dearie! Ain't nothing to see here but a Black Brit tryna buy some gum and a copy of US Weekly.

I’m not even schooling you guys on this anymore. I’m just gonna say thanks and keep it moving when it comes to the accent thing.

I love you America, I really do, but sometimes…..
I just can’t!...........

P.S. Yesterday you won the group, not the actual World Cup. After that whole 1-1 USA WINS headline I don't want you guys to start bussin out your vuvuzelas just yet.

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