3 Mar 2009

What Would You Do If...?

...you were Rihanna?

Let's just say you we're bruised all in the face and choked till you passed out by your boyfriend/husband whatever. Would you work it out and go back? Or a hell no it's all done and over?

Now think about it HONESTLY. Women are all too quick to talk about picking up this and that Madea style and doing whatever, but realistically what would you do if you got into it physically with your man?

I have ALWAYS been one of those women that can honestly say I know what I would do, so much so to the point I think I actually live my life 'just in case shit happens'.

I'll give you a few examples. I'll make sure for one I'm not living in YOUR house with me not having a pot to piss in.

Where are YOU going to go if you whoop my ass?

If it's OUR house then you better get comfortable in a jail cell or on whoever n dem's couch, because I have no problem in dialling 999 with a quickness to get your ass O.U.T. By that time [phone in hand] you're hoping the most racist cop comes to your front door to put his ass in check and haul him out. [Y'all know how some black women switch. One minute your a king, next minute, you ain't shit talking about getting your brothers and cousins to come and get him].

I make sure that if I'm married then I have MY OWN money and sole access to it. It's fine to have a joint bank account for bills, but any man that wants to be pissed at me for having mine and keeping it as mine is a man I need to be wary of. If a man is threatened by a woman having her own wage and her own bank account when he has his, is on a trifling agenda. That screams "She can leave me and has the means if she see fit. I better be careful if I fuck around on her or act the straight fool." You better recognise. She'll either be a fool and stay or smart and leave with the same said money.

My parents. Married 28 years. Mum has hers, dad has his, joint in their name for bills and vacations. Not a problem. Dad acts right. Has no problem in mum having hers. That's how it should be. It's enough to give up your damn last name ladies, I'll be damned if he has my money too and rents out my womb every few years for HIS offspring. Off Topic: Why do men say that anyway "she's having my baby." No OUR baby! 50/50 You dumb shit.

What happens when you don't have the above set-up and he's trife. You gotta sit it out till YOU can AFFORD to leave him. "I can't leave because he convinced me to give up work and he'd provide for us." Well he can go out and provide all he wants. I'll be rocking a baby in my left arm and trading online making my own damn money with the right one.

Mrs H's sisters were always told to "walk with their 'vex money' " If any man pisses you off on a date. You have a means to get home WITHOUT HIM. Remember that.

"Bye mum, I'm off now."
"You have your vex money."

"OK I'll see you later and be safe."

Never leave home without the vex money

I'm making sure I have my own 'vex money' when I get to the marriage stakes. I intend to marry for love and till death do us part, but I'm a realist and there could be upsets [God forbid] during that marriage that may tip a LondonDiva over the edge and make me want to get out. I'm a planner, a researcher and an organizer. Hey, look, no boyfriend in sight, no engagement ring on my finger, but I'm making plans to secure my future and make sure when I have children that I become a stay at home mother. That's what I want and that's what I'll get. When I was 10 years old I always said I wanted [like my mother] to have children after I was 30. Being an 'older' mother appealed to me, still does. If all being well I'd like my first two very close together and my last one approaching 40. Being 29 and 8 months I still feel the same way 19 years later. The problem with some women is they want want want without a plan plan plan. If me and him go our separate ways I DON'T WANT HALF unless it's our half [like the house]. Women need to stop the noise with this half bullshit. If you were working and making your own you wouldn't be screaming for any damn HALF. But if some of you HALF screamers were earning double than your man you'd be the first to tell him "Nigga you ain't getting shit." So why should he give you his? Don't even sit there and lie ladies. If some of you planned your marriages as much as you planned that damn wedding then you would find out that if you have kids, give up work and divorce you better have some moula saved with a quickness instead of relying on him during the happy times. When you rely on him you become forced to stay in a situation that may become negative one day, then what? If you remain blissfully happy and you both behave, then your marital 'vex money' can pay for a beautiful funeral or left behind for the kids/grandchildren. Everyone's a winner.

Back to the beating talk. I know me very well. VERY WELL. I've sat down and thought about this as if I was a single woman, engaged, married, married with children. And all end up with the same answer. That would be the first and the last time. End of. There is no way me and him could be sleeping in the same bed afterwards because I'm the kind of person [and I'll be very truthful here] if you piss me off my first thought is to hit you, that's how riled I get. I can hold a grudge like a squirrel holds a nut. Every time I see his ass I'd be planning a surprise attack. How I can mess up is digestive system [not kill him...although I would probably think about it...but never carry it out because I'm not capable.]

I'm not docile, I'm very aggressive and at one point all I wanted to do was fight. I'd instigate arguments HOPING it would get physical with random folks [usually on public transport]. I'd threaten to beat them, spark them in their jaw, knock out their teeth. Man I had issues. So much so I wanted TO BE a boxer. My ex [who's father was an ex-professional] convinced me it wasn't a good idea [I mean just look at Mickey Rourke]. I just wanted an outlet for all of this rage. As the years have gone by I've worked on myself a lot. Oh don't get me wrong the temper is still there, I've had no physical altercations in about 3 years now. Doesn't mean I haven't had the urge. Pretty much all have been altercations with men [never one's I've dated...NEVER]. Any females that wanted to talk and cuss I'd have to just stand there and tell them they better know how to fight because fighting girls is too easy [all that damn hair pulling]. But I'm a girl who can defend herself, fears pretty much nothing, and knows the sight of a hand near my face, let alone slapping or beating my face will not end up with me cowering in a corner and a few hours later saying "I deserved it." Knowing me HE'D probably end up running out of the house.

n those relationships of mine I've been that same rage filled young girl/woman but RESPECTED my then partners SO MUCH that I was able to control myself. It never even got to an 'in your face' situation. So on a physical level, I personally would fight back if I was in a Chris Brown/Rihanna situation, even if I don't win, I'd give it my best, but that would be the last fight we're having. To put your hands on me shows you don't respect me. I've fought people, if I lay my hands on you I don't respect you at all. Sorry for your troubles in witnessing your father do the same to your mother but the next chick can help you sort out those troubles, I'm not about to become a statistic in this vicious cycle. I'm sure I'd still love the person [although I'd be in such a rage and the last thing on my mind would be love], but I've been put in a situation on more than one occasion to dislike the person and still love them from a distance [to the point of it eventually fading into nothing]. I love me so much more so that would make it easier for me. I really do. I don't say it for effect. I'm not a relationship hopper. I take time, a long time to 'find' myself and get to know me and work on myself, rather than hope some man can define me as a woman. **shakes head** not happening. Those women irk the hell out of me. Never whole unless they have a man in their lives and take up with any nastiness. And kids involved? Oh Lord, people who I've spoken to say that would be harder for them to leave, it wouldn't be for me. Imagine kids having to witness that, boys or girls. **shakes head** The vex money pot would have to be delved into. He has to go to work sometime and during that time is when I'd have to leave. I've probably planned the escape in my head already. **whispers** You tell no one about your plans to leave so they don't tell him [I've watched What's Love Got To Do With It], you make no calls from home on the cell [buy a brand new pay as you go] or land line to call anyone to tell them your plans and you sure as hell don't use the computer at home either. If you plan to move to a hotel for a while [check in with a different name and if anyone calls for you no one by that name is staying there.] The 'History' on your computer is a mutha, use an Internet cafe. **Oh my goodness I watch too many movies for real** But some, not all, some of this can be made easier if you keep as much of your life in control as much as possible rather than handing over yourself and identity the minute he says "I love you" and "I'll take care of you."

What's Rihanna's excuse? Money to her name. No ties to him and the public know her business, and she still goes back. That right there boils down to her own self esteem issues. She'll have to work on them. If she were my girlfriend, after you come crying to me once, I don't want to hear it again. My friends know I don't do the sympathy tip and yes they even call me harsh...so be it.

First time shame on you.
Second time shame on me.

I've spent most of my life making sure I don't end up being part of any negative stereotype or as a statistic and I sure as hell don't want to end my life as one.

Rihanna can 'live her life' as she so chooses. She never asked for my defence on her situation, but I gave it anyway, it's her business.


  1. PREACH IT!!! CHURCH...Puhlease....when did we have to be that 3 steps standing behind a ninja? And going back to that man that messed up the face he claims to love...Hell to the naw...to the nth degree..get out of my life. I will love you while you look at me through prison bars!


    Between you and my mother, you've made me crease up with laughter today!!! Loved that comment!!!!

  3. Nai,

    Would you stay with a man who beat you after you went upside his head first?

    Would you stay with a man who you have physically abused and he never raised a finger to strike you back but tortured you mentally with words that hurt you so much you almost felt like killing yourself?

    Would you stay with a man who has never struck you with his own two hands but you have seen it physically beat someone into a stupor?

    Would you stay with a man who you got into an altercation with and you ended up having the upper edge and beat him up and went about your business.

    These are just random scenarios and would like your honest opinion on each and dont necessarily have to be in response to your blog.

  4. @ Fash HONEST Nai answers with no extra added bullshit..

    Would you stay with a man who beat you after you went upside his head first?

    If I got to a point where I put my hands on a man FIRST, that tells me it's time to call it quits, because I'm never the person to hit first, moreso the 'give me a reason to hit you back' type. No I wouldn't stay with him, and to be honest I probably wouldn't want him to. Any man that would condone me hitting them first probably isn't someone I'd want to be with anyway.

    Would you stay with a man who you have physically abused and he never raised a finger to strike you back but tortured you mentally with words that hurt you so much you almost felt like killing yourself?

    No. No. No. If I've said it once I'll say it again. I don't ever want to be with a man who feels it's OK to let me get away with all types of bullshit. I'm not saying you have to beat me into submission, but be firm, stand your ground and don't accept her crap and forgive all of her wrong doings [the same for the woman]. There are some women out there that are abusive and are cheaters and their men know, and they walk all over them. I want a man who doesn't stand for and will not tolerate that from me [if I were that way inclined which I'm not]. Mental and Emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than physical and very serious in my opinion and can take years to heal from that. Any type of ABUSE situation I'd want out of. Domestic, drug, alcohol any thing that poses a lifelong threat to my mind, body or spirit has to go. There is no place in my life for that.

    Would you stay with a man who has never struck you with his own two hands but you have seen it physically beat someone into a stupor?

    I'm assuming you mean I've seen 'him' beat someone else. Honestly yes. My ex was what you'd call a gentle giant. Never would harm me or lay a hand on me [although I didn't witness it with him in altercations with others] he was the type you wouldn't mess with because it would just be over before it started. I was never scared or was fearful around him. NEVER. He just wasn't like that with me. He wasn't looking for trouble, he'd sort it if trouble came his way. If I saw him beat another woman and never me, NO I wouldn't stay with him. If it were with another man, I would. BUT and I say BUT it really does depend on the situation if I was to witness him beat a man into a coma for stepping on his white sneakers, no. That kind of switching is crazy and I'd constantly be walking on eggshells around him wondering would he switch on me for not squeesing the toothpaste from the bottom. If it was a sitaution where some guy grabbed my ass in a club and he saw that and got aggressive out of standing up for me, a friend or a family member, as much as it's wrong, probably not no. I too am protective and get like that over my family and friends but wouldn't lay a finger on them. So know how that goes.

    Would you stay with a man who you got into an altercation with and you ended up having the upper edge and beat him up and went about your business.

    No. That goes back to my first answer. We're in a relationship but now to a point of fisticuffs. That's beyond dysfunctional and we shouldn't be together. I wouldn't respect him for putting his hands on me and I wouldn't respect him for letting me get the upper hand. If he started it [physically] and I finished, regardless it's over. Whether me or him, to each other when it gets abusive, any kind of abuse it's time to call it a day.


Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.