Open Letter To Michael Bay Re: Transformers, By A Pissed Off IMDB Poster

WARNING: THIS CONTAINS POTENTIAL SPOILERS.
This was not written by myself.

"Dear Michael Bay, and the rest of the Transformers production team.

I recently saw your film Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, I was thoroughly looking forward to this outing after the first Transformers movie where I thought you were all respectful of the previous incarnations while putting your own stamp on the franchise. I felt by the end of the movie that the Transformers could really make a go of it in the 21st century.

So imagine my horror when I come to watch the sequel, there are so many things that disappointed me I don't know where to begin. But I will list my grievances numerically.

1. Swearing. Now I am no prude and often when down the local pub you will hear me uttering swear words. I don't however use it as a means to impress my friends, this is seemingly what the writers of Revenge of the fallen did, while also making the robots seemed like they were naughty school children using the language. Quite why Wheelie had to use the term *beep* the bed' is beyond me. He could have simply used the term 'got out of the wrong side of the bed' it was an unnecessary swear word and quite frankly the film is full of them. One swear word may have been a necessity in this picture at some point, probably in a battle scene.

2. Sophomore humour. I could write a whole new list for this, but it mostly comes from the Twins. They had potential to be goofy but most of the time come off as uneducated idiots who didn't have the brain capacity to use proper words so resorted to petty name calling. Again coming back to wheelie quite why a robot would want to hump Megan Fox's leg is beyond me, yes she is an insanely attractive girl but why would a robot care. My main problem with this part however is who was it marketed towards? Adults in the cinema i was in didn't find it funny, in fact most of them were trying to explain to their kids (who also weren't laughing) what in the world was going on. The 18-30 demographic simply sighed at the poor attempt at humour. Same goes for the dogs they got two scenes and both of them it showed some form of sexual connotations. your film was 2 and a half hours long I'm sure the dog sex could have been left on the cutting room floor.

All in all I found the humour to be extremely forced and extremely childish. And again much like the swearing unnecessary. It seemed like it was purely things Micheal Bay would find funny. Also a mother doing drugs? Honestly? That 70's Show called, they want their ideas back.

3. Human problems. Remind me why we care again? So they wont say they love each other, leave it to Oprah. They have been embroiled in battles with Aliens I'm sure they will survive ordinary relationship problems. Also was the point of the room mate really just to introduce John Turturo? Needless, and once again seemed to be put in just to get to the desired run time. I have less problems with this, but it did seem to be more American Pie than Transformers at times.

4. Number of robots. Look its simple if you aren't going to give ample screen time to some robots don't put them in. There was a green Decepticon that looked cool in there in Egypt but I had no idea who he was and what his deal was. Also devastator added nothing, its one of the coolest concepts in transformers, either pee or get off the pot. The half baked version used simply left me feeling frustrating.

5. Fight scenes being clumsy. Either not being able to make out where the robots heads are, or not being able to work out who was punching who. But the real crux came in Egypt, news flash for the transformers team, we cant see a fight going on if you put the camera behind a pillar. The special effects looked amazing, its a shame that together the transformers make one giant coloured ball with no distinguishing features.

6. The Fallen: you placed your entire film title on him. Use him, 5 minutes at the end honestly what was the point? Beaten by a Frankenstein prime doesn't really do it for me, especially when The Fallen had a good hour to get to earth before prime was brought back to life, bit pointless him turning up the second he comes back to life. As a character it had so much potential. But like every other major plot line in this film was suffocated due to the film having to many other pointless strands (the whole college scene could have gone it was utterly pointless)

7. Transforming sound. Where is it? its the most iconic sound of every incarnation of the transformers. Bring it back NOW. And I don't mean just once or twice as you did I mean the majority of the time.

8. Megatron's attitude. Megatron wants to take over the Galaxy. Always has always will. he HATES answering to anyone. For goodness sake I thought Orci knew this being a big G1 fan? being a little slave to the fallen was just sad to watch, especially when two dogs humping had about as much screen time as the Fallen did.

In conclusion, this whole cinema experience left me feel flat. To much pointless human problems, and not enough exploring of the really big issues which could have been fleshed out (Matrix, Primes, Fallen, Megaton's role as Decepticon leader. Soundwave's role. I could go on!) In one film I feel you have managed to take away a real essence of what the Transformers are meant to be about, ideas were rushed and it seems lessons were so not learnt from the first movie that they were actually extenuated.

I'm sad to say but I find a tonne of Bay arrogance over this film, its a big middle finger up to anyone who criticised his first Transformers film, and overall I feel that Micheal Bay hasn't taken anything on board from the vocal fans. I am not some fan boy just a big fan of the Franchise that is Transformers and I was so disappointed at this offering I just had to vent.


Yours sincerely,

Annoyed of UK."

Movie Review: Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

Don't worry there will be no spoilers. I never spoil anything for anyone, even when they ask I always tell them to go and watch it for themselves.

US readers please don't be confused or surprised. Today is June 19th and you won't have the movie for another 6 days. Sometimes it happens like that...get over it!

I think we watch/buy more movies than you guys on a per person basis or something like that, so it's nice to not be ignored by Hollywood for a change.

I have been excited about this movie for a while. And double the excitement as my fave group on the planet, Linkin Park, did the theme tune 'New Divide' for the film.

So I was up in the early hours looking to see if I could go to a morning showing. Nope, the earliest was 1pm, but I attended the 2pm showing instead. I needed to see it before most people and also before the school kids made the later showing, making up too much noise in the cinema.

Let me tell you something...if you are excited about going to see this movie then take your at a 10 level of excitement and drop it down to a 0 and go with NO expectations.

My black ass was hella disappointed. I fell asleep. I yawned. I wiggled in my seat. I tweeted from my Blackberry. I was not gripped.

I went over to IMDB and read the honest reviews over there. Seems like I wasn't the only one who fell asleep either.

I tweeted today about the 2.5 hour film being a tease and leaving without an orgasm. There were no high moments for me. Whilst reading IMDB, the thread about what the favourite parts of the film was for some people...if you ever read what they were...Lord Jesus...nothing exciting at all. There were no real standout moments for me at all.

I don't know what Michael Bay was thinking. All I hope is the rumours are true and he's NOT returning for a 3rd installment. However, when Shia LeBeouf was on Twitter he did promise us that from Michael Bay there was going to be a 3rd movie. To be honest I don't care. It's like being shagged by a really bad in bed bloke, and he's promising to come back and give you more of the same. I don't want it. Nor will I expect anything great from it.

I read in the free London paper on way home the 1/5 star review, stating that the trailer was the most impressive thing and that the movie itself was a big letdown.

Everything I said about the movie others mirrored on IMDB when I read it this evening.

When the robots are fighting [same problem in Transformers] it is very difficult to make out who is ACTUALLY fighting.

There are new robots all who pretty much fail to make an impression. Namely the 2 ghetto 'black' robots [who are twins] who use words like pussy, shit and whoop yo ass. These have been likened to being annoying to this movie as Jar Jar Binks was to Star Wars. Trust me they are VERY annoying. And I have a feeling they will NOT feature in the next movie as there will be websites set up stating how much they are hated. Trust me there will be websites petitioning for them not to appear anywhere again...[my little premonition. Let's see if I'm right.]

Now I thought it was just me...but someone else on IMDB stated the same thing. They were speaking incredibly fast. You had to pay serious attention to the dialogue. Trust me if you see this, you will see what I'm talking about.

It was so obvious from all the Megan hype in between movies they really went for it on her opening 'sexy sitting on the bike' shot.

The story was lame. With an even lamer ending.

Tyrese had no business being in this movie, he must have said about 3 lines all of em including the word 'ass' at some point.

The film did NOT need to be that long. Some scenes were just long or did not need to be there at all.

Younger kids may have a hard time keeping up with this movie.

Mirroring what someone said, you didn't care about any of the characters, not like in the first movie when you were actually rooting for some of them.

Severe lack of Auto-Bots for my liking from the 1st movie. Only Bumblebee and Optimus Prime are pretty much featured, the others take a back seat [very disappointed by that]

Visually the film was amazing. Some people say "there is too much CGI" It's a movie about robots for the Son of God's sake! What are they to do? Cut back on the CGI by bringing in the R.E.A.L. Optimus Prime to shoot on set? Dumbasses. Too much CGI!! It's supposed to as THESE TRANSFORMERS DO NOT EXIST!! NO CGI! NO MOVIE! For the love of all things holy!

I've never complained about CGI in a movie. If it's needed bring it on. Like folks can really tell these days between CGI or not in every scene. You can't...watch the extras on Bad Boys 2 a lot of cars in the chase scene weren't even on the road. You'd never guess. It's not just used for superheroes in flight or explosions. Some are used in scenes you wouldn't think needed it.

I digress...Umm...to sum it up. Great hype. Brilliant trailers. They kept us waiting. Let us down. First movie was better!

I appreciate the first movie so much more now, and after writing this blog I'm going downstairs to actually watch it again. Seriously. Because the letdown of that movie has thrown me deep into the arms of the first one, which I liked but was not that attached to. Now I'm clinging onto it for dear life.

I think a lot of Americans are going to "love it" and think "It's amazing" Europe and USA have different tastes I've noticed. I actually will look at anyone sideways who thinks this film was "amazing, awesome, brilliant or fantastic" I will simply think in my head you need to get out more, cause that didn't flutter anything in my belly at all.

I love movies, I love cars, I love comic adaptions on screen. I did not love this movie. I stated it was good on my Twitter, but I have to retract that. It was OK.

Well I have to see it again next weekend, as I'm taking my little cousin. I know what to expect sooo I can either sleep through it or give it another chance. And to think I was looking forward to seeing it again for a second time. This will be a chore for me.

Fave action movie of 2009 so far [bear in mind I'm seeing Terminator Salvation and Star Trek this weekend so that may change] is Fast & Furious.

Fave drama of 2009 so far has to be Gran Torino.

Megan was hot...swear she had those lips done for the film though. Notice how I said that without all that 'No homo' stuff when talking about Megan Fox. Women, it's OK to say another woman looks/is hot without all that 'no homo' crap...I hate that. Women have been complimenting other women for years, we can do that, so why all of a sudden in 2009 we gotta defend our sexuality, I don't know.

I can't believe that cutie pie Josh Duhamel [Captain Lennox] is married to Fergie. She looks so off, and dare I say very man like.

MAJOR PROPS to my girl Megan for actually being seen in a movie with her shoes in her hand and running barefoot. If you're running from a ghost, bomb, bullets, a 60ft robot, please ladies tek off the stilettos and run for your life.

I like this Megan, the other one with the extra 'a' in her name, with last name 'Good' but is a 'Bad' actress needs to retire. Can't stand her wannabe sexy ass!

When you get around to seeing it. Let me know what you thought of it.

Movie Review: Watchmen

What did you think of it??

From MTV.com

"...Critical reaction to the film has been split into three camps: those who immediately loved the book and now immediately love the movie (our own Kurt Loder called it a "monumental accomplishment"), those who love the book so much they believe the movie should never have been made, and those who never read the book and now are wondering, "Really? This junk is what everyone's so excited about?"

I fell into the latter. Never read the book and wondered just WTF was this junk all about.

Don't even get it twisted. I have watched pretty much every comic book to big screen movie from DC Comics and Marvel without ever having been a comic book fan or known much about the background of the characters. I've loved some, liked others and thought the rest were crap. [DC Comics should just stick to the Batman franchise and just leave it the hell alone]. When making these movies, they are and usually made from the perspective of the audience not having any background into the story. You don't have to have immersed yourself in Batman, Spider-Man, The Incredible Hulk to get it once it hits the big screen. If they do a good enough job then everyone watching will 'get it' whether a DC/Marvel geek or not. I got this story I just didn't like it.

Watchmen falls into the piece of shit and crap pile for me. So much so I'm not even going to do a review. I hated it. One of those films that tries to grab you on the damn movie poster and the trailer alone by putting all of the best bits into it.

But don't let my dislike of the film stop you from spending 2 hours and 43 minutes watching Watchmen. It may just be your cup of tea. [I bet they'll release the 191 minute Director's Cut on DVD though].

I haven't even got the energy to watch this again in the hopes of digging deeper into the storyline or the characters. I'm all for giving a film a second chance, but too much of my life was wasted the first time around. My mind was open, I took the film in and let the film take me to where it was supposed to go. It was like being stuck in a traffic jam. Like I said I'm open minded and would prefer to read the graphic novel, as many say it's better and the filmed failed it in it's adaptation.

This is just making me more excited for X-Men Originals: Wolverine. Come on Marvel, do what you do best this summer and kick the shit out of DC Comics.

Anyone in the US thinking of taking children in with you to see this DON'T. It's not a typical 'superhero' movie like X-Men or Spider-Man. It's very violent, bloody, gory, there is a graphic sex scene, an attempted rape, violence against women, full frontal male nudity...so don't even think about bringing a child to see this.

That R Rating in the US is just dumb to me...anyway that's another blog entirely. I know of one idiot in the US that took his 4 year old daughter to see Jeepers Creepers **shaking my head** 4 year olds have no business watching that. That's what Disney is for!

Movie Review: Gran Torino

I got to the cinema last night expecting to see Gran Torino first followed by Cadillac Records before it's [Cadillac Records] taken off at my regular Cineworld cinema on Friday. It was Orange Wednesday and the queue was horrendous, so had already missed a few minutes of Gran Torino for the 18:15 showing. So I started my Wednesday night double bill watching Friday the 13th. It was either that or Push, and I wasn't in the mood for a badly reviewed movie just yet. The beauty about my Cineworld Unlimited card is I don't mind seeing the box office stinkers, and I'm hardly disappointed if a movie really is that bad because I'm not paying £6.50 a time to see one. When you pay £11.99 a month you think "ah well that was crap/not that bad", you shrug and see what you can watch on your next outing. I've seen some movies I know I'd normally not pay for. I usually used to keep the cinema outings for the big summer blockbusters [usually Marvel or DC superhero type capers]. I love me some sci-fi, fantasy, action flicks.

Anyway onto Gran Torino. Now I'm NEVER one to spoil a movie so don't worry there will not be any spoilers in this blog. Starring, directed and produced by Clint Eastwood. Dig this, old boy Clint even sung the closing song which was nominated for a Golden Globe [Best Original Song - Motion Picture]. Now you got to hand it to the old man, he can still act his ass off and do it well. Never liked his westerns, but my favourite in the Dirty Harry franchise was The Dead Pool which was the first time I saw Jim Carey on screen, and the first time aged 8 or 9 I first heard Guns n Roses [Welcome to the Jungle]. Don't ask what I was doing watching Dirty Harry [and an 18 certificate like that] before I even reached my first decade.

Walt Kowalski is a widower who holds onto his prejudices despite the changes in his Michigan neighbourhood and the world around him. Kowalski is a grumpy, tough-minded, unhappy an old man, who can't get along with either his kids or his neighbours, a Korean War veteran whose prize possession is a 1972 Gran Torino he keeps in mint condition. When his neighbour Thao, a young Hmong teenager under pressure from his gang member cousin, tries to steal his Gran Torino, Kowalski sets out to reform the youth. Drawn against his will into the life of Thao's family, Kowalski is soon taking steps to protect them from the gangs that infest their neighbourhood.

I've read the reviews on this movie [I only do this after I watch a film, never before] and for once I was in agreement with the general consensus. It was a great movie. Now this film I felt was deep, but it was also very funny. It's funny when it isn't supposed to be, usually centred around Walt's [Clint Eastwood] racist and foul mouth and just on being a very miserable and an unhappy bastard. You're supposed to hate a man like this, one who if you came across in real life would really want to make his life hell. But you can't help but warm to him in some warped way and just want someone to love him other than his dog, and give him a big ol' hug.

Clint went gangster in this role. If you watch it you'll see what I'm talking about. You wish there were more people like this around, that stand up for what they believe in and want to right a lot of wrongs, as well as try and find peace and love in his life [that you assume he had before his wife died]. It's not an action film, so don't think from the title of the movie and the car that this is some old man version of The Fast & The Furious. It's not. It's a drama, which is funny albeit serious. You'll know when you're supposed to laugh [even though you're laughing at everything which is inappropriate] and you'll definitely know when to be still and silent. It's not a complex movie, you may know what might happen, or in some parts not. It's a slow paced movie, but don't let that put you off, because although it's not an 'all guns a blazing' film I found I was glued to the screen, I wasn't clock watching and I certainly didn't drift off. Certain films are made for certain types of people. Those that can appreciate a drama for 116 minutes and not kiss their teeth at the lack of something, and just sit there and take in the story and be able to actually understand what's going on.

You know when you're going to see a Clint Eastwood film, especially those made in his later years, that you are going to see something moving and thought provoking. I was moved and my thought was definitely provoked. When the credits rolled, there were a few people who didn't move, I had to move and go to the bathroom to compose myself. If you like movies that are well acted, well scripted and not about the fancy effects [for once], then this is a movie for you.

Another movie snubbed by Hollywood and the Academy Awards. **Shakes head** Yep another man who should have been up there in the acting stakes nominated for his portrayal in this movie over the over-hyped performance of Mickey Rourke. I've now seen two performances which overshadowed Rourke's [Will Smith and now Clint Eastwood] that were royally snubbed. Shame on Hollywood, they really were smoking something this year and it was probably laced with PCP.

What can I say, I loved this movie for all the right and wrong reasons. It actually makes me want to go back and watch the older Clint Eastwood films around the Million Dollar Baby era that's he's starred in and directed. I should just go and add them to the DVD rental list. I haven't seen a Clint Eastwood film since March 2005 and that was in fact Million Dollar Baby, I remember because I was in Barcelona at the time and so depressed and sad after watching it [my friend was too] that we had to go and see Hitch the next day to pull ourselves out of it. Seriously it got to us that badly. I felt so broken and sad after watching that film. Either Clint acts his way through some really serious subject matter really well, or he chooses those pull at the heartstrings type of movie. Maybe it's a bit of both. All I know is I have a new found respect for Clint Eastwood and his work and seeing as this maybe his last outing in front of the camera I'm definitely going to have to take a look at his back catalogue. He definitely went out of the Hollywood limelight in style if Gran Torino is the last role he'll play.

I was more moved by this movie than I was by Slumdog Millionaire which I'd seen the night before [and it was nothing to do with Slumdog hype at all ruining it for me]. I was moved by both, but this gripped me more. After another viewing when it comes out on DVD it maybe one that I'll add to my favourite movies, which will be a change considering my favourite films [from a storyline and visual perspective] are both Sci-Fi/action flicks [Terminator 2: Judgement Day and The Matrix]. If you're smart enough to figure it out these movies are more than guns and special effects. The story, the underlying message and the meaning are all there. Especially with The Matrix. I can't go into it, it's too long and quite deep.

"It isn't his late masterpiece: I think his Iwo Jima movies fit that bill better. But it is almost certainly Clint Eastwood's final acting appearance: a must-see on that account if nothing else."

I'm Really Feelin...Noel Clarke

I stayed up in the early hours watching Kidulthood [again], as I received Adulthood in the post from Play yesterday and decided to watch them both back to back. It had been a while since I'd seen Kidulthood and wanted to get familiar again with the characters and the story. I missed Adulthood in the cinema but would have been adding it to the DVD collection at some point, which was now.

I honestly think that any American who watches it won't have a bloody clue as to what is going on with regard to the dialogue. I don't use it a whole lot but I pretty much understand London street slang/UK Ebonics or whatever the hell you wanna call it so for me it was a breeze. I thought if I recommended these films to my US friends would they need to use the subtitles feature on the DVD? Probably, if they have a problem understanding people from Manchester, Birmingham and Scotland, then they are going to have a hell of a hard time understanding kids from London.

Noel Clarke is a very talented [and fine, yet very married] 33 year old actor, writer, director and producer. I really love the grit and honesty he brings to the screen in both movies, although the acting as a whole improves greatly in the sequel. He rarely leaves anything to the imagination on screen or when it comes to the dialogue. I've seen a lot of movies and compared to the US 'street' films produced I've not seen any come close, gritty or real compared to his writing and directing credited movies.
People overseas seem to have a one track view of London as being very civilised, populated by well educated and well spoken individuals. It couldn't be further from the truth and some of these characters in the film are very representative of some 'bad man' wannabe youths in good ol' London town. A town where the girls are slack and will sleep with a ton of men with a quickness. White girls adopting some broken down Ebonics laced dialect. And a bunch of youths whose national dress seems to involve a hoody or pants slung down below their buttocks, wielding weapons, selling, robbing and cussing anyone who as so much dares to look at them the wrong way. God forbid if you're from SE15 and you and your 'manz dem' decide to venture into the wrong area [endz] in SW9 you might end up beat up, maimed or worst still, dead.

Yes it all goes on here, we have our fair share of bullshit with the 'new generation' of youths and all the troubles that come with it and these films depict a handful of characters who unfortunately are representative of inner city London life for a lot of kids growing up. Don't get me wrong there are those keeping their head down and out of trouble [I was one of them] but whether you were brought up in the suburban areas or a crime infested council estate chances are you were pretty much close in association to some of these characters and knew of them whether you were involved in that lifestyle or not.

If you haven't and want to see a film depict teen London life in a more real way that hasn't been done before then check out Kidulthood and Adulthood. Listen closely and pay attention if you're not used to hearing our 'street' slang. There's sex, drugs, violence and blatant disrespect, but the film does serve a purpose and deliver a message.

Major props to Mr Clarke [who also stars in the film as Sam], I definitely look forward to his future projects coming and will be paying close attention to this young man's career going forward. Doghouse will most certainly get a look in from me because it's also starring in my East London white boy geezer crush Danny Dyer [who also has a bit part in Adulthood]. Sorry, you can't get more Canning Town than Danny 'Double D' Dyer.

You can check out his filmography on IMDB

Here is the Kidulthood and Adulthood trailers. Only watch the Adulthood trailer if you don't mind knowing what happened in the first movie as there maybe some spoilers with regard to the ending of Kidulthood.

Kidulthood

Adulthood

Movie Review: The Quantum Of Solace

Absolute Shit!

All that hype about the theme tune for about a year, Amy Winehouse. Mark Ronson. She's too cracked out. Mark is pissed at Amy at a half done track. 10 other names get mentioned. Alicia and the weird dude who married his [not real] sister from the White Stripes came up with the with the worst Bond Theme tune EVER created. Bring back Shirley effin Bassey and YES TJ I agree with your blog...GO BACK TO THE OLD Bond format. Although not a fan from when I was a tiny tot and we had 4 channels every Bank Holiday I was glued to a Bond movie.

Can't review the movie because it was god awful. What in the hell was the storyline? Was there even one?

CACK!!

PURE CACK!!

Movie Review: The Day The Earth Stood Still

More like 'The Day I Wanted My 1hr & 45 Minutes Back'

I've not seen the 1951 original and I don't want to. This movie was straight up pants. The trailer looked good the cast line up I didn't have a problem with. Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly's acting were fine in this movie. The actors WERE NOT THE PROBLEM. Will Smith's son Jaden was a main character and let me just say this little boy can act. He's a little black, male Dakota Fanning [meaning a great child actor] and if both of these actors keep up the good work in good roles I can see Oscar nods heading their way in years to come. He was a little natural and very convincing not like that Macauly Culkin in 1990 who said his lines like he was reading them from an autocue all still and stiff. To be honest I was scared by little Jaden because he was excellent in his role as the spoiled brat stepson. He has acting in his blood no doubt about that. I love all the Smiths Jada, Will, Willow and Jaden but not biased enough to differentiate good acting from bad. He even cried with conviction. Will and Jada have taught him well. If you've got Hollywood parents you may as well get in the game because with Will Smith as your dad, your life isn't going to be normal anyway, so whats a few movie roles thrown in here and there.

Back to the movie

**crickets**

............OK it started of like "yes I can see this being really good" you squirm in your seat, munch on the popcorn, sip on the coke, then 40 minutes pass. "OK this is just a little lull, all movies dip then peak again. It'll bounce back." Munch some more popcorn, drink some more coke, eyes glued to the screen "I've been in here an hour and thirty minutes and there are 15 minutes to go and 12 of those minutes are credits, what the fuck is happening in this movie? No....No....tell me this isn't the end??? This dry ending can't be it? This is supposed to be a Hollywood blockbuster. Why aren't there no busting of blocks going on?"

Darkness falls across the whole cinema.

**crickets**

Credits roll.

People get up. Moaning. Cussing. Kissing their teeth.

I sit in the darkness thinking magically someway, somehow the credits are an early April's fool joke on December 10th and it will dart back to the movie.

It doesn't happen. This is the end of the movie. I have to accept that it was indeed shit.

The analogy I gave my buddy on Facebook to sum up the film. Imagine the finest man you've ever seen. You fall in love and get to the bizness only to find out the dinkle resembles a baby carrot!! Great build up, HUGE letdown, and left saying "what the hell is that?"

Movie Review: Max Payne

Max Payne

First off let me start by saying that the most enjoyment I got from this movie was Mark Wahlberg. I've been a HUGE fan of the both musician turned actor Wahlberg brothers since day one. I'm talking about when a lot of people didn't even know these brothers were even acting. I think I've seen pretty much every budget to independent to mainstream movie to TV show these brothers have laid their hands on. Fear, Southie, Basketball Diaries, Runaway, Saw, Entourage, Boomtown... so for me I always get excited when Donnie and Mark are on the big or little screen.

Mark's walk and his swagger were the best things about this movie...Oh and his leather jacket too. I'm sorry but that is one fine ass white boy. That was it. I only knew that this film was based on a video game, and being a non-gaming kind of girl I had no clue about the plot. I had no idea what the plot was and it should be pretty much self explanatory to a point when watching a movie that if you don't know the background then you could pick it up pretty easily. I had no clue where this movie was going to, and if it was even going to get there.

If you want to know the plot spoilers and all go here.

I saw a 2 out of 5 stars in the paper and thought typically based on a crap rating from a critic then this movie will be excellent, as they never get it right. Even Mark Wahlberg said himself that although different, Max Payne would be a character to rival Batman if those two ever had a showdown. So when I read this a few months prior to seeing the movie on Friday night my interest was piqued that Mark is gonna be playing a badder than bad character. Great, I love to see cans of whoops ass just opened up in a good old fashioned good vs evil action flick. Boy was I unimpressed and Mark must have been on the stuff when he said that. Batman to me is the most boring superhero [good films, just boring superhero] and so is Max Payne as an action hero. So maybe they are similar just in a different way than what he was talking about.

Firstly, Max Payne isn't even all that of a bad man. He's just pissed off trying to find the third person responsible for killing his wife and child three years ago. I've seen more people just straight up angry for being short changed at the supermarket. I can't place the sole blame on Wahlberg because he played the character the best he could and it was a good performance, I just think he was let down by a shitty plot and direction to be honest.

Without being too direct when watching a movie I like to know two things specifically to set the scene:

• Is it in the past, present or future?
• Where [location] is the story set?

Well I have no idea if it's present day, or not and it was in NY which looked soooooooo un-NY like I'd ever seen in a movie. A murder takes place in East Harlem, and you only know it's Harlem from the newspaper headline other than that I would have been clueless. That was not blasted Harlem, which led me to be confused again about the era in which this movie was set, whether present day or in the future. It's almost like whoever directed and produced this was under the assumption that everybody knew the Max Payne history from the video game and any other cinema goers simply had to catch up. I never knew the X-Men or Iron Man background but it was entertaining enough to know what was going on where and when.

I was glad to see my man from Prison Break, Sucre played by Amaury Nolasco in this role as the bad guy Lupino. He was the most convincing although I think a little underused in this movie. Too much of Beau Bridge's character B.B. and don't even get me started on Ludacris in this movie, what was up with the hat and the slight over acting that had the whole cinema crack up at one point...when you see it you'll know what I'm talking about.

Max Payne has the post credits 30 seconds like a lot of movies like Iron Man and X-Men: The Last Stand have. So stick around after the credits to see that if you go and see this movie. I think it's safe [or unsafe] to say there maybe a sequel to this dreadful film which led me to think was this film just slow at getting up off the ground on purpose to make way for an even better sequel or was it produced in the hope of being great and just simply wasn't?

I have a thing about movies, if there is a sequel and the first one I didn't rate that much or even like I have to go and see the second one in the hope that it will make me view the second installment with more of an open mind that this can actually go somewhere. Surely you can't have two pitiful movies back to back in Hollywood...or can you?

It was $35 million to make and made $65 million gross. I'm just happy that cost was recouped. The critics reviews definitely got back to the director [who wasn't happy] and if he has plans to make a sequel then he listens and takes notice. Go on message boards and see what the fans are saying. Hollywood must know by now that opinions by the fans help steer or even write the movies in a much more positive direction. Snakes on a Plane was one of them that had a huge influence and cult following before it's release from online regulars regarding the movie.

I've read some reviews on Flickster where I'm a member at, and what in God's name are those who gave it a 5/5 smoking? Best Action film? High Octane? They are lying. There was no balance. Too little action and when it happened it was like 'so what.' I ended up taking my Blackberry out of my bag and going on MySpace during one of the final action scenes. If I'm more gripped to my handheld device than guns going off then what is that saying?

Movie Review: Saw V

I was supposed to be going on my own,but the friend that invited me to the showing at Croydon Grant Vue cinema changed plans, so intended to go solo then she changed her plans back again, so there were 6 of us right at the back of the cinema watching the flick.

With or without folks I was a little shaken when that Twisted Pictures logo comes up on the screen, because that sums these movies up nicely. A twisted picture it surely is.

I heard that the first 5 minutes of Saw V (as usual) was a little gruesome. It always is, nothing changes. I had my jacket in front of me for those quick pull em over the eyes tricks and held my breath when it got a little too much. Not even five minutes in and I'm talking to the screen "What? No! But why hasn't it shut down? Oh Lord Jesus what in the...Ugggggggh!" The pendulum [that's all I'm gonna say] didn't have to be so graphic. The first five minutes wasn't as graphic as I thought it would be but kudos to the make up artists...seriously.

But if you want to read the whole synopsis of the movie then click here, if you haven't seen it be warned, for it will describe the whole plot.

All in all I heard not so good reviews about this movie. I have no expectations when it comes to Saw except for:

• Be prepared to feel queasy and look away at times.
• Expect to be duped throughout the film thinking you know the plot.
• Just expect blood and very gross inhumane deaths...or lessons as Jigsaw likes to call them.

I was pleasantly surprised 5 movies in and I'm still hooked, I loved it. I'm a Saw fan and IMO this franchise rocks as it has a solid and concise storyline that flows and rarely trips up. If you are seriously hardcore like the House of Jigsaw crew of fans then they'll be able to tell you any and everything that you missed or didn't understand. Trawling through this forum alone will stir up your interest to revisit an installment to see what you didn't even realise you may have missed.

How they come up with these plots, twists and trap aka games I don't know. Considering every year without fail every October [Halloween week] another Saw movie is released.

This one was made in less than 2 months, and yes Saw VI [6] is on the way and I'm guessing as usual an October 2009 release. Two characters have signed on the dotted line for the next one, but won't spoil it by saying who. If they have the stories and the fan demand then carry on making them I say. I for one love the concept over the gore factor of these movies. It's brutal yes, but the underlying message really makes you think about yourself and how you live your life and treat others. Like Jigsaw said it's about 'rehabilitation' he gives people the chance to reform, it's not about killing them and as always he gives them choice, he's just a lil fucked up in the way he does it. And as much as I've watched these movies, it became clear that seriously anybody who came through one of Jigsaw's games and survived would never fuck up again. What kind of rehabilitation is that? Although brutal, a successful one and you'd have a permanent physical reminder never to commit a heinous crime again.

I shudder to think.

I cannot really review the movie as much as I'd like to, because I don't like to be someone who gives anything away and the plots with Saw are pretty much the same so if you don't know by installment number five then...but I'll say this, the ending in my opinion was probably the slickest ones I've seen out of all of them. It really was a WTF moment. I never saw that one coming.

Movie Review: Eagle Eye

'If you want to live you will obey'

Eagle Eye

Well, well, when did Shia get La Buff with his fine lil Jewish self?? Facial hair the works. This young tenderoni I'll be watching out for in the next Transformers installment that's for sure. So far I've seen him in Transformers, iRobot, Disturbia and now Eagle Eye. He's one of those up n comings who have been around since they were a child but are now blossoming by Hollywood standards, headlining and making the girls and grown women swoon.

So without giving too much away. And it's hard not to. Shia plays Jerry Shaw a young guy with not much money who works at the Copy Cabana. After returning from a depressing visit back home [won't go into specifics on that one], he deposits a cheque from his father at the ATM only to discover he has $750,000 deposited from nowhere. His little crusty apartment is filled with poison, bomb making equipment and some state of the art weaponry, and he receives a call from a mysterious woman telling him that the FBI are coming to arrest him in 30 seconds.


OK from this point on you are like WTF. Why do they want him? What's the connection between him and the leading lady? What is their 'mission'? Who is the voice on the other end? How are they doing all of this and pulling the strings?

It's one of those thrill rides that keeps you guessing till the end. It's well acted, a great script and enough action to keep you on your seat till the end.

I did find with this movie it went up and down a few times in the thrill factor, but when down it was well scripted dialogue. And it did remind me of Enemy of the State. Unfortunately I'm a girl who loves a can of whoop ass being opened at every living moment of a movie. I need to get that in check and pay attention to what's being said.

Shia was very convincing in this role. Really well cast and the only other I thought who would have played this role well was Josh Hartnett or Jake Gyllenhaal. I wonder who was originally up for casting in this role, that would be interesting to find out.

Billy Bob Thornton, Rosario Dawson and Michael Chiklis were also starring in this movie. Michelle Monaghan played the leading lady alongside Shia. Julianne Moore played the voice of the Aria [uncredited].

All in all I enjoyed it, and I liked the trailer enough to venture out of my house on a Sunday night too. Definitely one for my DVD collection.

Movie Review: The House Bunny

The House Bunny

I needed a movie like this today and I'm glad I went and saw it, even if i did feel a little awkward asking for the ticket at the booth.

If you like Legally Blonde and Mean Girls, then it's up your street. Of course nothing to take seriously, and yes a predictable plot but it's a cute movie.

I was surprised to see Kathering McPhee (American Idol fame) in it, Rumer Willis (Bruce & Demi's daughter) and the girl from the group 3LW putting on a surprisingly OK British accent.

Quick summary: Anna Faris plays Shelley, who lives as a bunny in the Playboy mansion and gets told to leave. Homeless she stumbles on and very unpopular sorority house [ZETA] and pleads with them to become a house mother. The need 30 pledges in order to save their house, with the help of the Bunny to make them over into fabulous beings, and turn the Adamms Family reject lookalikes into popular hotties. - Predictable, yet fun to watch.

I must be making up for lost time with the chick flicks. I'd add it to the DVD collection and enjoy watching it again.

An Adam Sandler Production and Anna Faris got her name on the credits as a producer also...not a dumb blonde after all.

Looking forward to Sunday: Eagle Eye and Mirrors...can't wait

Movie Review: Death Race

Flixster - Share Movies

I was umming and aahing about whether to go and see this film. I can't believe I passed it up over Righteous Kill on Friday night which was dire to say the least. So I dragged my post Monday beginning of the week self to Cineworld Cinemas to pass the time.

Seriously this film was the shit (in my opinion anyway). It had everything I liked in a movie, cars, action, storyline, and eye candy. Although Statham's hair line is in dire straights he makes up for it with a fabulous body.

I have no idea if it was even released in the US, Statham is pretty much a straight to DVD actor, but this film I was pleasantly surprised. I wasn't expecting much and where cars and action flicks go this is now a sure favourite for me and I will be adding it to the DVD collection. Sometimes it's not all about deep and meaningful, sometimes you need 90 minutes of fast paced adrenaline fueled action, with a few cheesy quips, a predictable ending and a meaty middle. And Death Race gave me just that.

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are back in 2009 with Fast & Furious (part 4 of the franchise, and please don't be confused, the first installment was titled The Fast & The Furious). After seeing something on the Death Race scale, unless the cars, CGI and story are tight it's going to bomb big time, because I have been spoilt by Statham's offering behind the wheel.

Fast & Furious (2009) Trailer

Movie Review: Taken

They have taken his daughter

He will hunt them. He will find them. And he will kill them.

(click here to watch the official movie trailer)

Firstly I cannot believe this movie is officially released in the UK on 26th September 2009 and January 2009 in the USA. That's a big enough gap if ever I saw one. Why the studio decided on that I had no idea.

I had free tickets to see this tonight, so left what was a slow moving Monday at the office and headed to the cinema with Miss D to watch this film which has been on my list since of films to see ever since I first saw the trailer.

Now I don't give movie plots away, not even if the person begs. But I will say this, I watch and buy a lot of movies and haven't enjoyed a film like this since the summer release of Hancock starring Will Smith. I love an action flick, give me a plot to keep me gripped, car chases, fast cars, and some gunfire and I'm good to go.

The plot was original, and the first 20 minutes starts off setting the pace, but without boring you to sleep. What you get from it is Neeson's character, a divorcee with a 17 year old daughter, is trying to form a close relationship with her, but under the constant watch of the mother and step father, it seems Neeson's character can do nothing right, and at the end of the day just has a bitter ex-wife. His ex-wife is played by Famke Jansenn (and she's playing the same type of roles lately, bitter wife with a botox expression) it's almost like she came from the set of The Wackness onto the set of Taken because she was a miserable bitch of a wife in that film too. Someone give her a red wig and bring her back as Jean Gray please, because I'm beginning to believe she's a very one dimensional actress.

Jansenn is in it when she needs to be and leaves Neeson to literally blow you away with his performance as an ex spy who has gone from California to Paris to track down the mob who have kidnapped his daughter who has gone to Paris on vacation with her best friend. And boy does he track them down.


The UK Movie posters are very Matrix like. Neo without the black glasses and a shorter leather jacket, I was wondering what could Qui-Gon Jinn (from the resurrected new age Star Wars movie) bring to this role? I mean quite frankly isn't Liam Neeson better reserved for dialogue laden roles and movies that bring in Oscar nods even if he's not nominated himself (think Schindler's List). Well let me tell you, Daniel Craig better bring it to the plate in The Quantum of Solace, because I was astounded. Yes astounded at a non-action actor whooping some serious ass in this movie. Liam can fight, bruck you up and kill you with his bare hands, knives, a pipe or a gun, and he makes it look so believable. And he's not going to stop until he's killed you, and it all done without any remorse either. If there were Academy Awards for action roles alone Liam would be in the running for 2008 and probably win. He is a cross between Bourne and Bond with a little of Jack Bauer thrown in for good measure.

You'll find yourself shouting at the screen like I did to "whoop his ass", "yeah that's right", "Oh my goodness he chopped him right in the throat" and I can tell you there were certainly faint voices heard around me in the cinema all rooting for Liam during his car chases and fight scenes which usually involved him and about 5 or 6 men. And when taken out, like Bourne and Bauer, seemed more believable like trained SAS soldiers and a little less Hollywood.

All in all I enjoyed myself for the full hour and a half, there was a story with no holes in it, easy to follow and good acting from a cast that didn't need 50% of A-Listers in them. I had no idea Liam was about all that, and with just over a month to go I really hope that the next Bond installment delivers on the car chases, fight scenes as well as a tight story otherwise it's going to flop in my book against an under rated less publicized film like Taken.


As much as I am a huge 24 fan I definitely would have to say if they ever went head to head who would win between a fight of Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne (my bet is Bourne), thrown Bryan (Neeson) in the mix and now I'm not quite sure who would win actually. Liam Neeson was definitely a dark horse in this movie.

I definitely had a favourite line in the movie and without giving anything away as it's already been shown in the trailer, he tells the voice on the other end of the phone "I will find you." The guy on the other end says "Good Luck." I'll leave it at that, because Liam delivers the line when you least expect it, but you will know what I'm talking about. And when he did it was most definitely on.

And the daughter Kim (a brunette) in the movie, if you can't quite place her. It's Shannon (a blonde) from LOST, and please don't even ask what was up with her awkward running about in this movie. She's 25 years old playing a 17 year old innocent girl and played it very well, because I had no idea till I came home and looked it her up on IMDB that it was actually her. She was a minx on LOST and an innocent Virgin in Taken.

Maggie Grace as Shannon in LOST and (below) as Kim in Taken

Would I see it again? YES
One to add to the DVD Collection? YES
Rating out of 10. 8.5/10

LondonDiva's 'DO NOT watch' DVD Recommendation

Children of Men

Cert 15, 109mins
Director: Alfonso Cuarón
Starring: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Michael Caine, Pam Ferris

I'm so glad I never went to the cinema to watch this. I'm even more frustrated that 109 minutes of my life are gone that I'm never going to get back. This is the first film that started out bad, had a bad middle and an even worse ending (the credits were the best part), that I actually sat through, and vowed to put on eBay to the highest bidder. Whether drunk, tipsy or sober, this film isn't that great, I'd be hard pressed to find somebody who actually enjoyed this thoroughly and give me a VALID reason as to why it was so good. It wasn't. I was actually looking forward to adding this to my collection, but it seems to be another one of those movies that was way over-hyped. It's not even a wait for DVD or cable movie, just avoid it, it's bad.

Oh and I used to like Julianne Moore, but she pissed me off real bad with this crap. I guess she figured it was a bad movie too and took the role for the paycheck and to die less than halfway through, so she wouldn't be 100% associated or responsible for it's turnout or lack of. Like I said the best bits are the credits at the end.