Were You THAT Girl?

Mrs H, always says it "hindsight is a beautiful thing." And she's not lying. After you regain the sense in your head post-relationship you look back and wonder "who was that person? I don't want to meet her or even be her again?" Sometimes you need to experience a little bullshit [even self inflicted] to appreciate the person that you are.

When I was 16 I was with my then-boyfriend for nearly 9 years. Looking back as a 29 year old woman we had a very mature relationship back then, more so than some of the men I've encountered since I must add. I was the young woman to woman who was the person that Sherry Argov wrote about in her bestselling book 'Why Men Love Bitches' I never changed myself, asked for permission, did as I pleased, and let him do as he pleased, vacationed and partied with our own friends. It wasn't a problem or an issue. We were two very independent, secure individuals who just got on with it.

I had every single hairstyle going during our time together, shoulder length relaxed, very short Halle cut, texturised, natural fro, locs, braids, twists, weave. I had em all. Every chop and change I had, I never once felt to consult with him or discuss MY decision to change something about myself. Maybe because I knew he just loved the hell out of me he really didn't care. I never felt THAT pressure to please him on every level or check in with him. Just being myself was pleasing enough.

Then I meet this guy and on and off, [more off than on] we're involved. There are no tags, no titles, just um long distance occasional fun. Friends with a 'grey area', we kept in contact daily and saw each other a few times a year. And when we did...it was ummm well ya know.

Going back to quote Mrs H's "hindsight is a beautiful thing" I can honestly say I was a straight up fool with this guy. I was not the LondonDiva I knew and loved. On and off for three years I became the woman I despised. I've mentioned it before and I'll mention it again those books I read were a godsend. It was the best Valentine's Day present I bought myself and on February 14th I got stuck into 'Why Men Love Bitches' by that Friday Miss D had her copy and was in bed reading it and singing it's praises, and after reading 'He's Just Not That Into You' the light bulb above my head came on and I knew exactly what I needed to do. Claim the old me back and shake this shit off. I made a bold move to not accept this awkward and off key 'friendship' that we had which had the typical clichés of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and by him wanting to remain friends but not letting me visit again was the best thing I needed to hear. I can say that now, but when you're crying at Houston's George Bush International airport on a 28 minute long distance call to your best friend back home you're like "what? I don't understand."

That LondonDiva is dead and gone. I had to just cut the communication totally and move on. The thought was harder than the actual doing, but now I have no regrets it's almost like he was a dim flittering of a flame in a very large open space. No huge impact has been made for me to live in regret or even miss him. I don't think of him the same like I used to. When it comes down to it I was more mad at myself than anything. I compromised on small things which were huge to me, and I did it more than once because I thought that if I was one way he'd like or appreciate me even more and want to be with me, and think I was hard work if I was the 'do as I please' type that didn't hinder me for 9 years with my ex.

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  I compromised my celibacy, I had decided in the last year of my relationship to become celibate. Oh boy my ex was not happy about that but after a while he was fine with it. It wasn't what doomed the relationship at all. Within 2 hours of me landing in Houston to visit him, that went straight out the window.
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  I remember the day I was going to meet his mother and grandparents for lunch, he asked me to change the jeans I was wearing. Like a fool I did. Knowing his mother and his grandparents now I really don't think they would have cared. His mother [a former Jet centrefold and model] and grandmother [who had a semi nude pic of her in her twenties in her bedroom] are some very open minded and liberal people. In fact she told me over lunch once at Grottos her boys are so uptight they need to smoke a joint. I mean c'mon his mother commented on my shoes which she liked and referred to them as "fuck me shoes." Doesn't sound like someone who would have care I was wearing skinny jeans over relaxed fit Levi's.
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  I wore my hair out and free of braids on the last visit. Moan, moan, moan about me always being in kinky twists when I visit and never seeing my hair. My reason was practical. A black woman travelling with hair products ups her luggage weight by about 300lbs. The daily styling on a two week vacation is tiring beyond belief. I want to spritz my hair n go. I was hardly looking a H.A.M. [Hot Ass Mess] when I went. I cut my hair when I came back I was sick of it after that vacation and travelling. I was just effed off I didn't wear the braids like I always did.
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  I mentioned cutting my hair and going back short like I did back in the 90's. Met with disapproving no's and I should continue to grow it.
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  I remember talking to a girl when I was in Chicago who was doing pole dancing classes for fun and fitness and she said it's really boosted her confidence and that she loved it. I loved the idea of that and looked into taking up some classes. According to him pole dancing was far from sexy. You guessed it because of that I knocked the idea on the head.
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  I wanted to get my belly button pierced. I mentioned it in passing and he didn't think I should get it done. So I didn't.
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  I was making round trip after round trip. I'm currently on 57,000 Delta Skymiles…go figure.

All of those begin with 'I', I either did things I normally didn't do, or didn't do things I wanted to do. For every one of those things I have regrets. I never pleased myself, and doing them or in the case of the round trips 'not' doing them I would have been happier.

I still want to do pole dancing lessons and I want to get my belly button pierced. Ex-boyfriend wouldn't have batted an eyelid at either choice and he never once told me what I was wearing was inappropriate to meet any friend or family member. If I went to a short haircut again he'd probably get out his clippers and shape the back and sides for me rather than give his nonsensical 2 cents.

I've been both girls and I know which one made me happier, made me feel more at ease, and I know by being the girl I preferred I was able to have a longstanding meaningful relationship with him [the ex] as well as getting to know myself the best way I could when you are with somebody, and not as independent as you may want to be. This man wasn't even my boyfriend. He made no commitment to me, we didn't have a title, we weren't even official and I acted in a way which I thought he would approve both in and out of the bedroom. And trust me bruh was not clocking up any airmiles even for a long distance booty call.

This is why people, not just women need time to be by themselves after any kind of emotional involvement with somebody to learn and grow and check your mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I have definitely learnt from mine. Don't compromise or change anything about yourself. Please yourself. Take the vacations, the dance class, and wear whatever the hell you want. Look and feel great for you before you can look and feel great for anybody else. If you feel stunning, it will radiate on the outside and that's why at times when the hair is in a messy bun you have no make-up on and sweats he still thinks you look beautiful.

The belly button will get pierced and I'll be whining around a pole for the sheer hell of it [definitely not as a profession] for a fun way of keeping fit. You'll know about it when I blog about it. Any man that doesn't like my choices that are not detrimental to us as a couple needs to just grin and bear it. I'm gonna let you be you, just give me the same courtesy and respect and let me be me.

"Hindsight is definitely a beautiful thing!!!"