PMS

Today is one of those days that if anyone even thinks of saying any kind of random idiotic bullshit to me, they better be prepared for something. Because I.AM.NOT.IN.THE.MOOD!

The older you get the worse it gets. And to the men out there you cannot control it, so stop asking such ridiculous questions thinking we play on it and just leave us the fuck alone if you know what's good for you. You really think it's fun to have no control over your tear ducts, mood swings or sweet cravings? I don't know whether it's a matter of coincidence but on Saturday Alexandra sung Listen on X-Factor and I'm crying when she starts crying. Ruth gets voted off and you guessed it water works. I'm out loud asking "what the hell is wrong with me?" Sunday whilst watching the Bucket List my black ass started crying, Yesterday I'm paying for my Sophisticate's Black Hair Magazine and reach for two Wispa bars, but put them back even though I feel the urge for some serious sugar beckoning. No crying yesterday though. And now to this morning, I go to bed last night with a real positive mood, wake up the same but as soon as I get in here and see these fools I realise after my boss asks me some foolish question I berate him like a 5 year old child telling him to check his inbox, that I think he's a straight up asshole and can't be bothered with his spineless ass today. Yesterday we were all having a laugh and a joke, today his coat is semi-in the recycle bin I move the bin as this ticks me right off, he moves it back five minutes later. I now want to put him in that bin. It's now that I've clocked from tracking the mental calendar in my head that Saturday plus Sunday plus Monday plus Tuesday equals the start of PMS.

The mood may dissipate over the next few hours, but it will come and go. In the next few days comes the sweet [candy] craving where I will eat sweets at dinner time and only sweets. I'll go to the supermarket and buy and embarrassingly huge stash and have the remainder for breakfast at work in the morning. This may last two the three days. For god knows how long all I can think about is sex, sex and more sex. Horny isn't even the word. The tiredness is a killer. No matter how much sleep I get I am always tired. I fell asleep in a meeting two weeks ago and got pulled up on it. I could hardly tell my manager it was because I was pre-menstrual. There is a difference to lack of sleep tiredness and PMS tiredness and after 29 years you get to know your body pretty well. The only plus point are the bigger boobies, but as soon as you're on Day 1 of the cycle no more cravings, sexual desires, mood swings, bigger boobs GONE, just a cramped stomach to contend with for about 2 days straight. I think we get about 1 week out of 4 off. The other 3 consist of the 2 week build up battling emotions, mood swings and bodily changes, and the other week consists of sheer inconvenience. Once you've 'recovered' it happens all over again.

I'm sorry men can act like they get the brunt of it all they want. They don't. We do. Know your woman's cycle, program it into your Blackberry and on certain days just stay the hell away. There is no advice we can give you other than that, and to be honest we don't really care about you during this time. No one is exempt either, women get pissed of at their girlfriends not just their boyfriends or husbands. Some months are better than others, and being forced into a bad mood when you don't want to be in one is difficult enough. When you have stomach cramps, backache, breast tenderness, mood swings, cry for no damn reason, have the need for sanitary towels 3-5 days out of the month, and eat the crappiest food for a reason other than just being a pig then we can talk, till then you have no clue, stop trying to understand, every woman has a different experience some get so sick they can't work, for others it's just plain uncomfortable to even sit in a chair. The most you have to contend with is losing your hair, teeth and getting fat and we aren't exempt from that either. We have to experience this on average between 420-500 times in our lifetime. Cut us from friggin slack and back the hell off!!

But remember this: Women ARE capable of being in a bad mood when they aren't being ruled by their hormones. Hence being asked "Is it that time of the month" pisses us off when we are not. Just accept the fact that at times you are a prize arsehole and that women are just pissed at you because it's well....you!