13 Nov 2009

Just Another Girl On the G.O.D. Tip

When I hit 30, I thought this would be the age of a new dawn. I thought that it would be the time that God was going to bless me with everything I’ve ever wanted and from here on now it would be the best damn time of my life right up until I draw my last breath. Yes, I know you maybe giving me the side eye right now. I am too, at my damn self!

What is it with this age 30 anyway? Why do we use this age as some type of benchmark for everything to be OK and wonderful in our lives of where it‘s going to get so much better? I like to pride myself on being an intelligent woman, but I was actually dumb enough to believe this to be true, that 3 decades in I’m going to be rewarded some fantastic prize JUST for making it through 3 decades of walking the earth.

I have been 30 for just under 4 months, and boy oh boy let me tell you, it doesn’t go downhill but it doesn’t get any easier either.  When I refer to the term ‘easier’ it’s not that things are so bad you just want to curl up and die, but I think it’s an age of serious reflection but on a scarier level. You’re out of your 20’s, a comfort zone, a decade where you know the difference between right and wrong, although during this time it’s OK to get it wrong and screw up “cause you’re in your 20’s” so you get a pass. 30 is that responsible age, where everybody expects you should have some idea of where you ought to be and if you’re not there then shame on you, and better get moving quick time, or else you‘ll be deemed a failure.  I don’t want to be pressured with my 30’s and all of these false expectations that come with it, but I sure don’t want to be that dumb naive idiot thinking that it becomes perfect from here on out, and that life will be a bunch of roses going forward.

There are many things I do not like about myself that I want to change, and am in the process of working on. One of them, which I’ve mentioned before is my mouth…the cursing **draws a line across the neck several times** It has to stop. I’ve been doing pretty well actually the past few days, and long may it continue.

Another thing, being ‘strong’ when it wasn’t necessary. Strong and a problem solver. I was trying in many instances in my life to solve my own problems, rather than doing what I should have been doing, pray about my problems, and hand them over to God. I didn’t want to ‘bother him’ I’m sure there are times when you’ve felt that your problem was insignificant compared to those losing their homes, starving or living in war torn countries. Your prayer was to maybe find a way to get that car, promotion or pay rise. It all seemed too selfish to even bother God with.  It has taken me a VERY long time, but I can actually say that it is OK to ask for things and it is OK to feel deserving of things from God. I’m not destitute, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot want more from God, especially if it’s in his plan to give it to me.  It’s not a sin to want certain things…(within reason of course) I’m not talking about “Lord bless me with a big house, a fancy car, a lottery win and a luxury holiday please.” I think we’re grown to know what are genuine wants and needs from God through prayer. And if you don’t…well I’m sure you can pray for help in that arena.

Why is it when we do something that is good for us, and we feel better because of it that we stop and fall off? Even when we see results?
    For me my ‘good thing’ or should I say ‘great thing’ is prayer. When I pray, I talk aloud walk around my house, clean and tidy and talk to God as I would to a girlfriend on the phone. I ramble, I lose my place, and I deviate from what I’m saying. Even when I lose my wording I look up and say “Ummm well you know what I mean even though I can’t get it out” And trust me God knows what I’m saying even if it is gibberish. I used to be able to do this for hours. I couldn’t wait to get home and just talk to God aloud, and the feeling that I felt afterwards, I was ready for anything.

Why that stopped, I don’t know. Soon after I was conscious, it had been months since I said one prayer. It didn’t bother me as much because my mindset then was, “well if I’m making it without prayer, then I’m stronger than I think and doing pretty damn well on my own.” Things may not have been going bad for me during my prayer drought, but they could have been greater. I was coasting in life.

I’m tired of coasting.

I said something to God (aloud) today that even surprised me. I said “Lord I want to change my life for the better.” Trust me for a hard-headed person like myself that was like the equivalent of a desperate plea.

I’m tired of coasting.

Just as I need to eat and sleep to function physically as a human being, I need prayer and God in my life daily, or spiritually I’m going to be always running on empty.

I want great things in my life. I’m actually ready to receive them and be thankful for them. I’m even prepared for the hardships that come my way. I’m ready for when things go well that the devil rears his ugly head and fills my head with reasons to turn and run in the opposite direction of something that God has prepared for me. The devil doesn’t want you to have what God has in store for you. I was sometimes under the impression that God puts us through difficult situations to punish us for something that we‘ve done. That’s actually not the case. It’s the devil making us think that God is punishing us. If you think someone is punishing you, do you really thing they will be the first port of call for solace and advice?
    When you think that way you either go to God asking “Why? Why? Why?” So consumed with the “why?” that you haven’t taken a moment to listen to the stillness (of which God regularly speaks to us in) and try to hear him and understand his teaching and purpose, or… we don’t go to him at all. The devil loves when we don’t seek solace in God. It’s more time for him to plant seeds of doubt, frustration, anxiety, and depression in all of us. We spend one day away from God, still mad or scared that we’re still in the ‘false punishment’ phase and then another day and another. We get to a point of false security within ourselves where we try to become our own saviour. I’ve done that. It doesn’t work. Trust me, trying to be a Mr/Miss Fix-It person will eventually cause you to become a broken person. YOU CAN’T FIX YOU! When you’re done being everyone else’s crutch, who is there for you or when you have one problem that you can’t fix? You get to a point where still you’re too proud to take it to God, but something eventually has to give.

I’m TIRED of being tired. You get to a point in life where you think every day, week, month, year it’s something. Just be gone, gone, gone, seriously BE GONE! Arguing, bad feeling, resentment, worry, depression and all that other crap, just piss off! If I have to pray for hours every day, listen to Joyce Meyer podcasts, read her daily devotional book, read excerpts from Joel Osteen, read inspirational quotes from the likes of TD Jakes, Rev Run and the like on Twitter just to get me through the damn day, that bit closer to God and keep the devil off my back then, you know something, that’s what I’m going to have to do. I don’t find it extreme, not compared to doing nothing at all and worry worry worry about everything I have no control over. It will spiritually cripple me and lead me into that cycle of only praying about stuff when I’ve exhausted every resource and pray as a last resort instead of my first and only solution.

Maybe I’ve had so many damn problems, because I’ve tried to solve all my damn problems. Right now at this moment, I’m at peace. I prayed for others and myself today, faithfully. I gave it to God, and to be honest I can’t even remember all of my worries. I’m done with trying to be my own hero. 

Without going into detail, the past few weeks have been a very eye-opening lesson and experience for me. Most people would say for the worst, but I know for the better. I’ve learnt a lot about myself, some parts I’m comfortable with, other parts that I’m not. The parts that I’m not, I’m definitely willing to work on and have already started. I found myself in a situation where I wanted to turn around and run away from it because I knew that’s what would have made me feel comfortable. That would have been my peace. At that point, I was not in my comfort zone. Any kind of insecurities, doubts that could have risen from within rose right up and stayed there simmering. I don’t like pressure, anxiety and everything else that it brings, but I think due to the circumstances God put me in a position where running (for once) wasn’t an option and I actually had to work through it the best and worst I could from start to finish. I didn’t like that one bit. I got to a point where I was so overwhelmed with asking question after question, talking about it to try to gain some clarity and understanding that I was exhausted in every sense. I wore myself out. My sleep was constantly broken; every time I woke up I was reminded why after every few hours I was awake. Some mornings I woke up feeling a little sick to the pit of my stomach. Now I know, had I been able to ’run away’ from it, being the person that I am I would have drawn a line under it, washed my hands of it and slept like a baby. Cause that’s me, that’s how I deal with things. “Not this time.” That was what God said to me. “You always run, and cut people off to solve your problems, how about you come to me for once and let me deal with it for you?” That was my ‘exhausted’ moment. God is sitting there tapping his fingers waiting as soon as it hit’s the fan for you to go to him. Instead you put yourself through the motions trying to make head and tail of everything until you’ve had a fair go of it, then are like “OK God, over to you. Sorry it took so long I didn‘t want to bother you.”

Yes, the past few weeks I have learnt A LOT, more than I’ve probably learnt in one go at any one point in my life. What I personally learnt and came to the conclusion about is the true meaning of NOW having to let go and let God and more importantly that it’s OK EVERY TIME a problem arises to say, “I don’t want to deal with this. I’m not going to deal with this. Lord I’m trusting you in faith to work on this for me.” After doing that it is then OK for me to turn and run to getting on with my life and to try and “enjoy the moment.” (Another lesson I’ve learned and trying to get the hang of).

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