"Seein' Right Through You Like You're Bathin' In Windex"

I don't think I've ever quoted my own Facebook status in the few years I've been blogging.

"The transparency of certain individuals NEVER ceases to amaze me. So, so, so transparent even Stevie Wonder can see it! To shake my head, laugh or do both?? Rev Run, Joyce Meyer, TD Jakes I've quoted quite a fair bit. Today Facebookers, the quote comes from the one and only..."Seein' right through you like you're bath...in' in windex" -Mariah Carey. Never has such a JOVIAL lyric in a song made SO MUCH SENSE."

It's not about the song 'Obsessed' more so just that line. Yeah the song is fun and light hearted, and the most jovial line in it is the windex line repeated throughout the chorus. When you kick off your shoes and relax your feet, sit and observe, it really is a trip at the lengths some people go to and coninue to go to. Masquerading behind a facade, trying to appear to be the person they are NOT for alterior motives. I can see it, and it's pitiful. It's funny for a millisecond, then just really not so clever after that. Then my temper kicks in and I want to scream "what kind of a fool do you take me for?"

Luckily for me I've learnt to ask for help, whether it's something so small or absolutely huge. Praying boldly is my new thing. The Lord knows my tolerance and patience is very low at most times.

My bold prayer for today will center on that transparent person just getting out of my face...for good. A long trip down some raging rapids with a strong current would be nice also. I don't think God will adhere to that request but the getting out of my face part I'm sure he can handle.

At least with these type of people you are never surprised by their actions. Funny thing is I've been kind of 'warned' by several people about this person. My response was "I already know," they weren't telling me anything I didn't already know. I told y'all I was an observer. I can only watch for so long till you get on my damn nerves that's for sure.

God can fight my battles. I'm sitting this one out. No need for raised blood pressure this early in the morning. I am NOT trying to be Madea, but if I need to be....that side still exists.

Just Another Girl On the G.O.D. Tip

When I hit 30, I thought this would be the age of a new dawn. I thought that it would be the time that God was going to bless me with everything I’ve ever wanted and from here on now it would be the best damn time of my life right up until I draw my last breath. Yes, I know you maybe giving me the side eye right now. I am too, at my damn self!

What is it with this age 30 anyway? Why do we use this age as some type of benchmark for everything to be OK and wonderful in our lives of where it‘s going to get so much better? I like to pride myself on being an intelligent woman, but I was actually dumb enough to believe this to be true, that 3 decades in I’m going to be rewarded some fantastic prize JUST for making it through 3 decades of walking the earth.

I have been 30 for just under 4 months, and boy oh boy let me tell you, it doesn’t go downhill but it doesn’t get any easier either.  When I refer to the term ‘easier’ it’s not that things are so bad you just want to curl up and die, but I think it’s an age of serious reflection but on a scarier level. You’re out of your 20’s, a comfort zone, a decade where you know the difference between right and wrong, although during this time it’s OK to get it wrong and screw up “cause you’re in your 20’s” so you get a pass. 30 is that responsible age, where everybody expects you should have some idea of where you ought to be and if you’re not there then shame on you, and better get moving quick time, or else you‘ll be deemed a failure.  I don’t want to be pressured with my 30’s and all of these false expectations that come with it, but I sure don’t want to be that dumb naive idiot thinking that it becomes perfect from here on out, and that life will be a bunch of roses going forward.

There are many things I do not like about myself that I want to change, and am in the process of working on. One of them, which I’ve mentioned before is my mouth…the cursing **draws a line across the neck several times** It has to stop. I’ve been doing pretty well actually the past few days, and long may it continue.

Another thing, being ‘strong’ when it wasn’t necessary. Strong and a problem solver. I was trying in many instances in my life to solve my own problems, rather than doing what I should have been doing, pray about my problems, and hand them over to God. I didn’t want to ‘bother him’ I’m sure there are times when you’ve felt that your problem was insignificant compared to those losing their homes, starving or living in war torn countries. Your prayer was to maybe find a way to get that car, promotion or pay rise. It all seemed too selfish to even bother God with.  It has taken me a VERY long time, but I can actually say that it is OK to ask for things and it is OK to feel deserving of things from God. I’m not destitute, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot want more from God, especially if it’s in his plan to give it to me.  It’s not a sin to want certain things…(within reason of course) I’m not talking about “Lord bless me with a big house, a fancy car, a lottery win and a luxury holiday please.” I think we’re grown to know what are genuine wants and needs from God through prayer. And if you don’t…well I’m sure you can pray for help in that arena.

Why is it when we do something that is good for us, and we feel better because of it that we stop and fall off? Even when we see results?
    For me my ‘good thing’ or should I say ‘great thing’ is prayer. When I pray, I talk aloud walk around my house, clean and tidy and talk to God as I would to a girlfriend on the phone. I ramble, I lose my place, and I deviate from what I’m saying. Even when I lose my wording I look up and say “Ummm well you know what I mean even though I can’t get it out” And trust me God knows what I’m saying even if it is gibberish. I used to be able to do this for hours. I couldn’t wait to get home and just talk to God aloud, and the feeling that I felt afterwards, I was ready for anything.

Why that stopped, I don’t know. Soon after I was conscious, it had been months since I said one prayer. It didn’t bother me as much because my mindset then was, “well if I’m making it without prayer, then I’m stronger than I think and doing pretty damn well on my own.” Things may not have been going bad for me during my prayer drought, but they could have been greater. I was coasting in life.

I’m tired of coasting.

I said something to God (aloud) today that even surprised me. I said “Lord I want to change my life for the better.” Trust me for a hard-headed person like myself that was like the equivalent of a desperate plea.

I’m tired of coasting.

Just as I need to eat and sleep to function physically as a human being, I need prayer and God in my life daily, or spiritually I’m going to be always running on empty.

I want great things in my life. I’m actually ready to receive them and be thankful for them. I’m even prepared for the hardships that come my way. I’m ready for when things go well that the devil rears his ugly head and fills my head with reasons to turn and run in the opposite direction of something that God has prepared for me. The devil doesn’t want you to have what God has in store for you. I was sometimes under the impression that God puts us through difficult situations to punish us for something that we‘ve done. That’s actually not the case. It’s the devil making us think that God is punishing us. If you think someone is punishing you, do you really thing they will be the first port of call for solace and advice?
    When you think that way you either go to God asking “Why? Why? Why?” So consumed with the “why?” that you haven’t taken a moment to listen to the stillness (of which God regularly speaks to us in) and try to hear him and understand his teaching and purpose, or… we don’t go to him at all. The devil loves when we don’t seek solace in God. It’s more time for him to plant seeds of doubt, frustration, anxiety, and depression in all of us. We spend one day away from God, still mad or scared that we’re still in the ‘false punishment’ phase and then another day and another. We get to a point of false security within ourselves where we try to become our own saviour. I’ve done that. It doesn’t work. Trust me, trying to be a Mr/Miss Fix-It person will eventually cause you to become a broken person. YOU CAN’T FIX YOU! When you’re done being everyone else’s crutch, who is there for you or when you have one problem that you can’t fix? You get to a point where still you’re too proud to take it to God, but something eventually has to give.

I’m TIRED of being tired. You get to a point in life where you think every day, week, month, year it’s something. Just be gone, gone, gone, seriously BE GONE! Arguing, bad feeling, resentment, worry, depression and all that other crap, just piss off! If I have to pray for hours every day, listen to Joyce Meyer podcasts, read her daily devotional book, read excerpts from Joel Osteen, read inspirational quotes from the likes of TD Jakes, Rev Run and the like on Twitter just to get me through the damn day, that bit closer to God and keep the devil off my back then, you know something, that’s what I’m going to have to do. I don’t find it extreme, not compared to doing nothing at all and worry worry worry about everything I have no control over. It will spiritually cripple me and lead me into that cycle of only praying about stuff when I’ve exhausted every resource and pray as a last resort instead of my first and only solution.

Maybe I’ve had so many damn problems, because I’ve tried to solve all my damn problems. Right now at this moment, I’m at peace. I prayed for others and myself today, faithfully. I gave it to God, and to be honest I can’t even remember all of my worries. I’m done with trying to be my own hero. 

Without going into detail, the past few weeks have been a very eye-opening lesson and experience for me. Most people would say for the worst, but I know for the better. I’ve learnt a lot about myself, some parts I’m comfortable with, other parts that I’m not. The parts that I’m not, I’m definitely willing to work on and have already started. I found myself in a situation where I wanted to turn around and run away from it because I knew that’s what would have made me feel comfortable. That would have been my peace. At that point, I was not in my comfort zone. Any kind of insecurities, doubts that could have risen from within rose right up and stayed there simmering. I don’t like pressure, anxiety and everything else that it brings, but I think due to the circumstances God put me in a position where running (for once) wasn’t an option and I actually had to work through it the best and worst I could from start to finish. I didn’t like that one bit. I got to a point where I was so overwhelmed with asking question after question, talking about it to try to gain some clarity and understanding that I was exhausted in every sense. I wore myself out. My sleep was constantly broken; every time I woke up I was reminded why after every few hours I was awake. Some mornings I woke up feeling a little sick to the pit of my stomach. Now I know, had I been able to ’run away’ from it, being the person that I am I would have drawn a line under it, washed my hands of it and slept like a baby. Cause that’s me, that’s how I deal with things. “Not this time.” That was what God said to me. “You always run, and cut people off to solve your problems, how about you come to me for once and let me deal with it for you?” That was my ‘exhausted’ moment. God is sitting there tapping his fingers waiting as soon as it hit’s the fan for you to go to him. Instead you put yourself through the motions trying to make head and tail of everything until you’ve had a fair go of it, then are like “OK God, over to you. Sorry it took so long I didn‘t want to bother you.”

Yes, the past few weeks I have learnt A LOT, more than I’ve probably learnt in one go at any one point in my life. What I personally learnt and came to the conclusion about is the true meaning of NOW having to let go and let God and more importantly that it’s OK EVERY TIME a problem arises to say, “I don’t want to deal with this. I’m not going to deal with this. Lord I’m trusting you in faith to work on this for me.” After doing that it is then OK for me to turn and run to getting on with my life and to try and “enjoy the moment.” (Another lesson I’ve learned and trying to get the hang of).

Let's Have Some Church Up In Here!

Why does what I choose to believe in bother YOU so much?

I'm not bothered about atheists, agnostics, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists or even devil worshippers for that matter. Funny that people who have a problem with a religion as a whole are never bothered with the Buddhists and the Hari Krishna's of this world, but choose to be offended by God.

A war happens. Blame God.

People are murdered in their homes. Blame God.

Everything bad that happens. Blame God.

Ever heard of the damn devil? Somehow he manages to get a free pass in all of this and the one who has your best interests at heart gets dogged on. Some people are so dumb, blaming wars created in the name of religion. Umm I could say I'm going to kill you in the name of Jesus. Jesus isn't giving you a pass just because you said it's in his name. A sin is not discredited because you did it in the name of Jesus. Those that cause conflict in the name of religion are idiots. Those that don't understand that ARE idiots.

I don't care personally. People can choose what they want to believe in. HOWEVER what I do care about is people 'in my face' and whether that be in real life or over the world wide web trying to sway my thought process toward my belief. Not gonna happen. You may as well give up because you're wasting your time. The same way you can hear God, you can hear the devil too. And they both talk through people. Anyone trying to steer me in another direction is being used by the damn devil himself to sway me.

Let's look at Jade [Goody]. 27 years old with two young sons with about 1 month to live. People want to whine "this is so unfair, if there was a God then why isn't he doing something?" He's done a whole lot if people would shut up for a damn minute and think about it. Jade is dying, but look how many lives SHE'S SAVED from losing her own. Not saying she's a modern day Jesus but *cough* he did the same thing didn't he? Although Jade isn't dying to save us from all of our sins, all of these women are now getting screened for cervical cancer when all they did before was ignore the letters that came through the door. The screenings registered are through the roof! There has been a push to lower the age for screening [to hopefully save more lives]. Look at that. A possible government intervention all because of a loud mouth South-East London Reality TV star. Donations have gone up to Cancer charities since the news broke. And Jade herself is getting christened along with her sons. Luckily for her in God's eyes it doesn't matter when or how you come to him, as long as you come, even if it is at the last minute. Good for her if that's what she wants to do, I just hope it's in her heart and she's able to find some peace in her last days.

Look at that in the scheme of things. Whoever thought that from one of the original Reality TV shows [Big Brother] that started 10 years ago it would actually serve a REAL purpose. If there has to be a purpose other than to reignite or create a celebrity career, then let's hope that this decade long format of entertainment was drummed up in some weird way by God to change the lives of many through one person. Jade. If this is her life purpose, then so be it. I believe everyone is here for a purpose and although her end is tragic, she must feel great knowing her situation is highlighting a major issue not just in the UK but around the globe now. The rumours are that Oprah and Larry King are bidding for her last interview [money that would go to her children]. I don't know how true this is though.

If there was NO Big Brother, there'd be NO Jade. No Jade thrown into the spotlight [who didn't even win the show], NO REAL awareness of how serious this cancer actually is. She would have still probably gotten cancer had she still of been a dental nurse, but I wouldn't be blogging about her last days, and women wouldn't be clambering to the hospital to make sure they keep up with their cervical screenings. This is being talked about everywhere, newspapers, magazines, the radio, Parliament, on the Internet. The reason why it hits home more with Jade is because she's a regular girl from South London, who we've watched rise, fall, then rise again during her last days. This hits home with a lot of people. She's no Hollywood starlet and at 27 it shows us that no amount of celebrity or money is going to make you exempt, especially at your prime, millions in the bank, two children later and countless column inches. If it can happen to Jade it can happen to you and me [a regular South-East London girl] too.

I get it now. After us losing Roman at 9 weeks old, I was mad and faithless for the longest. He wasn't taken from us to punish us at all, in fact him being here and going has done a lot more for me than anything in my life. I won't go into it all, as I've gone on enough, but there are some things that I'll never understand as to 'why' they happened. You can't understand greatness like God's. All I know is the bad stuff that I've been through I now know why I was in that situation, and why I am the person that I am today. It's not necessarily a case of 'what I'm going through' that is the problem or the issue, but more so 'how I choose to handle what comes my way, and who I decide to lean on and ask for help.' Do I walk in faith and give it over to God and use him as my crutch or get all despondent, pissed off and why me me me, and not being able to see the TRUE meaning of why my black ass is going through some crap?

So mock me, roll your eyes, have an opinion because I choose to believe in God, I don't care. I remember that we were warned about people trying to stand in our way on our walk with God, and we'll be mocked, heckled, persecuted, even killed for our beliefs on a walk with the Lord. But like I do on the London Underground every morning, if someone is in my way, I walk AROUND them and keep on moving till I get to my destination. One things for sure though, the more I pray, listen to Joyce Meyer, remain positive, be thankful in his name, talk about God to my girls it pisses the devil off. It even pisses some people off too. Not my fault I'm at peace, blessed and highly favoured. I CHOOSE to be. Some can be at peace and blessed without God in their life. I have been before, but it feels better and different on a spiritual path. Some people know about God but can't be bothered as it involves too much sacrifice, too many rules to adhere to [I've been like that], but will have the energy to slate him and religion…whatever makes you happy folks. There are people prospering whilst your hating…get over it! So I prefer to 'keep it real' and remember that before I play the blame game that there are two sides, not just one. God and Devil at work vying for my attention and my soul. I know what team I'm on. The devil can tackle me on the playing field all he wants to trip me up. You just gotta get up, dust yourself off and keep on keeping on till the game is over and won.

A Message from Tyler Perry - TRY TRY TRY AGAIN!!!

I'm a PROUD subscriber to Tyler's newsletter. You never know when you're going to get an e-mail because

(a) He writes them himself.

and

(b) Whenever he gets a free moment he'll write and send one out to his subscribers.

Rich enough to make the Forbes rich list, yet still humble enough to interact with his people [fans]. He always sends out a 'thank you' mail for people going to see his movies during opening weekend. Shoot, if you don't know, now you know why I love Tyler P. Some people are so 'busy' they get PA's to do all of this stuff, not Tyler.

It's a long one, but he's always so inspirational in his messages. Enjoy...

Hi there,

I’ve been reading the message board and you’ve made it perfectly clear
that you wanted me to share with you, so here’s a long one...(smile). Now
you know we need to keep our jobs so if this is too long, then read it
when you get time and send it to some friends. Okay, here goes.

Every time I have a movie come out I do a press conference, and with MADEA
GOES TO JAIL it was no different. I’m always asked a lot of questions.
They're usually the same questions, but this time I was asked something a
little different. I was asked how did I get to be homeless. I told the
story but this part got left out of the article. When I talk about God
people don’t like to print that for some reason. Anyway, I ended up
homeless following what I believe to be the voice of God. I know that may
sound crazy, but hear me out. Here’s what happened.

I wrote my first play at 22. After I wrote it I prayed and asked God to
bless it and lead me in the right direction. No sooner than I said that, I
was in Atlanta visiting for Freaknick...(LOL). On this visit I realized
that there was a small theater called the 14th Street Playhouse that I
could afford to rent and perform my play in. So feeling led, I moved to
Atlanta, got a job and went to work on saving money to do my show. I just
knew this would work. Anyway, there were 200 seats. I thought I would do 6
shows and 1,200 people would come and I would be set. There was one
problem. I needed time off from my job to do it. I asked my boss and he
said no. I went to my desk and prayed. I said, "God, if this is for me to
do then lead me." I clearly heard the voice say, "Quit, it will be all
right." So I did. I did the play and instead of 1,200 people showing up
only 30 came over the entire weekend. I said, "Okay God, where are You?" I
couldn’t hear a word. Now mind you, I could always hear from God. You
remember my parakeet story?

Anyway, of course I was broken-hearted, but I picked myself up and went
and got another job. I got a phone call a few months later. Someone who
had seen the show wanted to invest in another show. So I was faced with
the same decision again. I had just gotten a job and they wouldn’t give me
the time off, so I had to quit to go and do the play. Same thing. I went
to my desk and prayed and heard that same voice saying quit. So I did.

Now from 1992 until 1997 this happened over and over again. I was only
doing one show a year, and every time the show failed. So, I would go get
another job. But there was always someone new who wanted to invest. I got
another opportunity to do a show, but I knew I would have to quit my "GOOD
JOB" as my mother would say. I was making $350 a week. Anyway, I went to
the boss and asked for time off so I could do the play. He said no. So I
went back to my desk and prayed. I said, "God, what should I do?" I
clearly heard the voice say quit. So I did.

I went out and did that show. I think it was in Spartanburg, South
Carolina. Anyway, I rehearsed, loaded the U-Haul truck and drove down
there. There was a little rain as I was going there. When I got there I
found out that a hurricane was coming through. Nobody showed up. I was
devastated! As I was driving the truck home through the rain, I was going
as fast as I could. I was so hurt and angry. I prayed and prayed and said,
"God, You told me to do this. Where are You?" I didn’t hear a word. It’s
scary when you can’t hear from God. Anyway, I got home and there was the
eviction notice. I went out looking for a job and found one, but by the
time I got my first check it was too late. I came home from work to find
all of my things out in front of the apartment building. I didn’t care
about the stuff. Let me take that back. My stereo, that I had bought from
one of those rent-to-own companies (where you pay five times more than
it’s worth), was ruined. I was mad about that...(LOL). Anyway, the thing
that hurt me the most was that I had so many scripts and songs and things
that were ruined from the rain. I sat there getting what I could together.
I put them in my car (that was up for repossession) and drove around all
night. Finally, I slept in the car. When I got my next check I started
staying at this pay-by-the-week hotel. There were drug addicts,
prostitutes, and any criminal element you could imagine there. During this
time, I was still praying and I still hadn't heard from God.

I called home for a family member to send me some money and I was told
that I should give up this dream and that I was never going to make it. I
was told to stop doing this play bull$#@t. I think that was one of my
lowest days. I cried like a baby because this was someone that I truly
loved.

I was working at UPS. Now I was up to about $400 a week, but I couldn’t
seem to get ahead enough to get my first and last month's rent. This kind
woman (who I have been looking for for years) named VIRGINIA HARDIMAN, in
Atlanta, loaned me the money. She told me to hold on and that God would
see me through. I didn’t want to hear that. I felt like He was the reason
I was in that situation.

Anyway, I got an apartment. The one I showed you the picture of. And was
so happy to have a roof over my head. My thought was, "God, even though I
can't hear from You, thank You! Thank You for this place!" I was grateful.
Before I knew it 2 years had passed by and I was getting comfortable in my
place. It had become safe. I stopped dreaming. I was taking the advice of
the family member. I had settled in and didn’t want to dream anymore. It
hurt too much. I was 28 at the time (you have to be careful when you get
comfortable in a place that’s not your home).

Anyway, life was okay, but I was so unhappy. By then I had moved on to
another "good job" and I walked into that place everyday miserable. I knew
there was something more for me. I had gotten so depressed. All I would do
was work, come home, eat and sleep. Thank God I have never done any drugs
because I know I would have been strung out. You also have to be careful
when you’re not happy or you will find yourself in some situations that
you never thought you could be in. And I did. I started drinking pretty
heavily back then. Saturday night I would drink, but Sunday morning I was
at church still trying to hear from God. I had given up. Some kind of way
the rent got behind again. When I think about it, the rent was $425 and I
was only making about $1,200 a month. I had a car and gas and food to buy,
so I guess it was easy to get behind.

Around this time I got a call from someone else who wanted to invest, and
she said we had an opportunity to do the show at the House of Blues in
Atlanta. I said no. I SAID NO! Oh God when I think about this I get a
chill. They had to beg me to do the show! It hurt too much to have that
dream be revived in me and not make it. I just couldn’t do it. I said no.
With a lot of coaxing I finally gave in. Can you imagine if I wouldn’t
have?

Anyway, the night of the play I remember sitting in the dressing room
getting ready for the show. I was playing old man 'Joe' at the time. I sat
there complaining and talking to God saying, "You always get me out here
and You leave me, and I’m 28. This is it! I’m not doing this anymore!" Can
you imagine me talking to God like that? That’s crazy! But I was so mad at
Him then. So, I was saying what I wanted to say and in the middle of my
rant I heard Him. IIIII HHEEAARRD HIIIMMM!!!!! Somebody knows what I’m
talking about! He said to me, "I AM GOD. YOU DON'T TELL ME WHEN IT’S OVER.
I TELL YOU WHEN IT'S OVER, AND THIS IS THE BEGINNING." I sat there crying
like a baby. Then He said, "Get up and look out of the window." I got up
and looked out and there was a line around the corner trying to get into
the place! I still get a chill when I think about it. If I had given up on
dreaming... If I had not tried one more time... I wouldn’t be here in this
place. I wouldn’t have seen all that I’m seeing now. For that matter you
wouldn't be reading this email.

So, sometimes following God will lead you into places that you don’t want
to go. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It hurts. But if you can just hold
on you will see there is another side to it. What you're going through is
not in vain. Hold on! Keep the faith! And learn to be thankful for
whatever situation you may be in. It’s not over until God says it’s over.
And this is just your beginning. TRY AGAIN!!

There is so much more to this story, but I know you have other things to
do. I’m writing all of this in my book so you’ll be able to get the full
story one day. I just wanted to share a little bit with you. Please share
it with someone, okay?

Be strong and stay well. AND TRY AGAIN, AND THEN AGAIN, AND THEN AGAIN!

Tyler P.

Thoughts Of The Day

"If I start my day hearing about the word of God, and I end my day hearing about the word of God, then your irrelevant words I hear in between mean nothing to me. For no word is greater than the word of God." - LondonDiva

The Act Of Giving - This Weeks Donation - Joyce Meyer Ministries

I didn't have much time to research it this week to donate to a Cancer charity, but low and behold, this morning I saw my friend on the train and she works for a non-profit organisation Breast Cancer charity. We've lived in the same area for years and never bumped into one another. In fact the last time I saw her we were in Dallas last May for my friend's wedding. Just a coincidence I see her on my weekly Friday payday and she just happens to be working for a non-profit Cancer charity? I don't think so!!

She told me the name of the charity she works for but have sent her a Facebook message asking for the link as that will be the donation for next week. In the meantime I've decided to donate to Joyce Meyer Ministries. You can either donate or buy something from her site. It all goes into the same pot. She has a Partnership program too for regular donations.

She is dedicated to making sure the money is spent wisely and has a 94 page PDF document put together telling people just how the money is used.

You can read all about it here in their Annual Report.

I bought 6 books and 1 4-CD package from the site. I thought if I'm going to donate let me get something out of it too. Postage and packing was FREE.

I wonder if Joyce has a book on how to stop cursing like a sailor?

This 'giving' feels pretty good. Therefore I know I was doing it for the right reasons and not to look good to anybody or God for that matter.

The Act Of Giving

Let me see if I can try and keep this one short. [Yeah right] This whole 10% tithe thing. Oh I've been in churches before and passed the plate right on by me for two reasons.

1. I don't carry cash.

2. I don't trust my money given to the church.

YEAH I SAID IT.

Money to fix the church roof fund? How many church roofs need repairing from London to Lagos. Japan to Jamaica?

I've wanted to give, but I am tight with my money. I like to keep it to myself and only spend it on others when the mood takes me [which in all fairness is a lot] I have no problem in treating those close to me. In fact that I can do with ease, and I like giving.

I just never liked giving to the church, because I didn't trust those in the church and a lot of the time still don't. I don't go to church but after listening to Joyce Meyer daily over the past week that's one thing I've skipped on and that's the whole 10% tithing. I hear it I know I've should do it, but I don't.

"Oh but I want those shoes. That DVD box set of CSI. That dress. More make-up from MAC. Shit, I just want to keep my money in damn bank account!"

That's how I feel. [I told you I was honest didn't I?] I have to make a little change and give more. Going to church and putting 10% on a plate is not the only way you can give to God or just giving in general if God is not 'your thing.' Well 10% to a different charity each week of my weekly salary is still doing God's work so that's what I will do. And to be honest I'll prefer to give to charity than to church to help others.

As Jade [Goody] is on my mind and I lost a grandmother to Cancer in 1985, I think my first contribution this week will be to a Cancer charity. I'll be posting about each charity I donate to [in case anyone who came across this blog wanted to donate to a particular charity], and look into how the money is spent. That's very important to me. If I'm going to part with my money then I need to know where it is going. Sorry the church roof fund is not seeing my cash.

Another Lesson Learned

Listening to Joyce Meyer is now my new addiction. I just can't get enough. Never have I been into the church type thing or the preacher thing, but there's something different about Joyce. She tells it like it is, honestly and with humour. [Ooooh a bit like me…hehehehehe] She's been through her fair share of woes and troubles in her life and since listening to her over the past three days I know she has come right on time.

My friend Hayley kept mentioning that she was going to go and listen to Joyce Meyer and there I was thinking she was some Neo-Soul singer [I don't care for Neo-Soul at all] but when I asked and she told me who she was and that she has free podcasts on iTunes the first thing I did on Tuesday was download the daily 90 second, 15 minute and 30 minute podcasts as soon as I got home. OH MY GOODNESS!! The evening after writing the God's Will, God's Hands blog was the first day I listened to what she had to say. The 18th February 28 minute podcast changed my life. It was about worry and anxiety [I have listened to it three times already!!], something typical Cancerians do all of the time. I can't go into everything Joyce said, if you really want to know then you'll go on her site and listen, but she spoke the truth, I was nodding, in agreement, doing my amens all over the house. Sister girl was telling it like it was supposed to be told! With none of this uppity, I'm better than you Christian mentality crap. Joyce even tells us to even be wary of church folks and their church faces too because there are plenty of nutcases in the church as well, so don't let that fool you. Joyce is as black as they come [in white body]. And she's southern [St Louis]. You know I have a soft spot for US Southerners.

Now you read my blog, you can see for yourself I'm a straight talking sista with a foul mouth on her. I curse, I have bad thoughts, can't nobody [bad grammar] tell me anything [bad] about me that I didn't already know. [Remember that scene in 8 Mile when Rabbit takes the Mic and talks about every bad thing about himself bringing it to light so the other MC hasn't got a damn thing to comeback at him at because it just can't hurt or effect him? Well that's my mentality about myself] No one could ever stand up in my face and cuss me about x, y and z and try to reduce me to tears. Never! Water off a ducks back…I digress though...My flaws I'm working on through God in private. I take my own notes on my own behaviour, I got this….aiiiight!!

Look at the turn of events. From the God's Will, God's Hands blog came the Oh That Was A Bitch Ass Move Right There Blog the very next day. You see I listened to Joyce this morning and she was talking about when you're on your way to do God's work or to listen to God's word something bad always happens. OH HELL YES!!! That was part of my frustration yesterday. A HUGE part of it. After my godson passed my relationship with God was pretty much null and void around the same time I was also dealing with that fool in Houston. Fool gets kicked to the curb, don't want anything negative in my life or hindering my happiness in it!! GET OUT!! BE GONE!! STAY AWAY!! I didn't need to heal from my involvement with him. I was instantly at peace this time around as soon as I said "Bye!" It was coming to terms with losing a 9 week old godchild that I needed help on, which then in turn opened my eyes to looking at and loving life differently and making the most of it. So now can you see why his self absorbed self made me cuss the way I did? A year on no one was thinking about him. He was deleted and pretty much dead to me, how dare he try and worm his way in my life even if only over a few lines over an e-mail acting like anyone in the United Kingdom gives a shit about him! The day before that bastard e-mails me, was the night before I laid my head down to sleep I was feeling at peace, actually looking forward to waking up in the morning to start my day listening to the sassy southern preacher Joyce Meyer on iTunes whilst getting ready for work, and instead I'm cussing pure raas in an e-mail to him.

The devil got my black ass. And he got me good.

Back to what Joyce said "when you're on your way to do God's work or to listen to God's word something bad always happens." Whether you get into an argument, the car breaks down…always something. I didn't think so quickly would I be tested not in less than 24 hours. She said the devil uses the thing that will get to you THE MOST that will get you THE MOST UPSET and knock you off balance on your attempt to walk a straight path. His name was K****! Like I stated to you all yesterday. No contact for a year. I thought and HOPED TO HIGH HEAVEN never to hear his name in any capacity infiltrate my being in any way, and bam there it was with his foolishness right there on my Blackberry at 3:39am. GET OUT!! BE GONE!! STAY AWAY!! He needed to be T.O.L.D. I had to resort to a day filled with straight anger and cussing to make it clear to this cretin to CEASE AND DESIST FOR GOOD! No 'hello', 'hey', 'what's up'…. nigga get gone! After my 14 hours of incandescent rage at the gaul and temerity of contacting me, a self sufficient woman moving on very swiftly with her life, I managed to see through the red and see this for exactly what it was. I was being tested. Plain and simple. Tested beyond belief in so many ways, my temperament, my self control, my ability to not cuss so much. Ooooooh chile!! All of that went out of the window. Me and God may have to agree to disagree on this one but I felt my response yesterday was justified. Some people need to get the message, but I will pray with all my might God keeps that fool away from me, before he works on my temperament, before I cut somebody, namely him. And leads his black ass in the direction of a therapist because that boy child has I.S.S.U.E.S he thinks can be solved with new pussy and a cheap ass engagement ring.

When you get tested with the very thing you despise or in some cases don't despise, and you steer toward that anger and venom inside you, you are distracted and thrown off the path that God intended for you. I could have easily prayed yesterday morning and asked God to bless me, keep me calm and somehow send a message to that nucca someway somehow, Naomi cares nothing for you to even be contacting me. Joyce said WE CAN CHOOSE how we act and feel. We have our many 'faces'. In the midst of an 'episode' if someone important was in your presence see how quickly that 'episode' would dissipate. Oh I could rant on at my desk about if my mother or a friend ticked me off [and one has since writing this **SIGH**], but you better believe if my boss came to me, that mood would change. Joyce tells it to you in a way I've never heard it before. Real and uncomplicated. Oh I could rave on about Joyce all day, I really could. She reminds me of a straight talking black grandmother [only white]. For the past three days listening to her has been a help and a huge influence in my life, now I can't imagine a day not listening to her.

Reason, season or lifetime. I have a few friends I've never met in my life. NEVER! I've known a couple for over a decade from online forums/message boards, we've spoken on the phone, e-mailed and are classed in the friend category enough to even be on Facebook. The few I have met I've travelled to see them and they've travelled to London to see me [not fellas here folks aiight!] **smile** You don't have to have met someone to class them as a friend. You can still learn from, grow and inspire one another through constant communication. I have one friend and I'm gonna put her on blast. In a good way of course, who is an absolute sweetheart, we talk about all kinds of stuff from relationships to God, she vents I vent. But I just wanted to publicly say Thank You HAYLEY for introducing me to Joyce Meyer. You have NO IDEA how this has changed my life and way of thinking already. The same way you feel Joyce has brought you closer to God, well if it wasn't for you being 'on time' just by mentioning it, well it wouldn't have brought me feeling closer to God, and I haven't in a long time especially since Roman died. So thanks Hay!!! xxx

God's Will. God's Hands.

I've been sitting here [at work] when I should be actually putting the key in the front door to get on and start clearing out all the crap and doing a spring clean. I'll get onto it later and probably listen to my Law of Attraction Podcasts and check out Joyce Meyer. Thanks Hay! X

Well in a nutshell, we've moved departments. The 3 of us [1 permanent member of staff and 2 contractors] one of the contractors being me, have a new boss. So I leave something on his desk to check last night and he says he's going off to interview someone with the other big boss.

So about an hour ago I ask him [blatantly like a black woman does] "so does that mean one of us are gonna be bumped to fill in this spot for the next person?" I don't mess about. If I want to know I'll ask.

He looked hesitant and said yes.

**LondonDiva VEX inside**

I've blogged about this before peeps, and as much as I'm prepared it still vexes me.

You want to interview all these candidates and you haven't even offered a perm position to one of the two sitting here? Why hire an unemployed person to make one of the 2 sitting here unemployed. If they want to go through the rigmarole of training someone then by all means.

The vex feeling in my stomach is wavering now. You know why? I give advice to people all the live long day. And I need to take my own advice. Sometimes I do. Sometimes it takes a little longer to kick in that I need to.

Before I leave this desk this evening I don't want to be going home vex and all "It's me. It's gonna be me. Yeah they're gonna get rid of the black woman over the white guy." But I'm not going to assume my job is safe either.

Now is a TOUGH climate to be unemployed in. But I need to remember and look back on all of the difficult times I've faced over the years and remember that God has never failed me. Never! If I was the one to go, well I look at it like this, room for a bigger and better opportunity from the man upstairs. It could even be his way of kicking my butt in a direction I should have taken years ago.

The Universe and God combined work harmoniously to give me what I want, when I NEED it. That I need to remember. I have one thing over my co-workers here faith and hope. I've been there with a ton of money in the bank I've been there with an overdraft and down to a borrowed £10 that I made last me the week the day I got a call getting the job at Merrill Lynch and Itsu [which I took in the evenings after Merrill Lynch] I didn't need the Itsu job but I was doubly blessed and worked two jobs. During those desperate times I never panicked, because I always said, God will provide for me! And he did, and he has.

For me to worry right now, today, lacks faith. Without faith there is no works. So come what may, certain decisions, the people that come into my life, the jobs I have, and the people I meet on my travels are for a reason, season or a lifetime. All serve a purpose at some point. Maybe I'm here for a few more months, maybe I'm not. But the next step will be bigger and better, that I definitely know.

So I'm going to remain FAITHFUL and not fearful.

Shoot, I may even pull out that Australia contact and see what the market is like there. Funny I picked up the Australia magazine last night and was having a flick through it for no reason, maybe there was a deeper reason behind it after all.

Knocking On Heavens Door

I don't want to write a thesis style blog like I usually do but this is my blog airing my opinion and I feel very strongly on this one.

A 13 year old girl wants to die in dignity and has turned down the right to have a transplant that temporarily prolongs her life.

OK I can see the argument, if she doesn't have it she's dying naturally anyway and it's not induced euthanasia by going to another country and dying peacefully by injection or pills, which as far as I concerned is suicide. They try and take the edge off it by calling it euthanasia.

Now not in this girls instance, as she's doing nothing to aid in her death, in fact after reading her story she's just had enough, but I wanted to comment on the many cases I am hearing of terminally ill people fighting in court to be allowed to kill themselves to end their suffering.

I've never been there although I have watched my godson die in his mother's arms and seen my friends daughter hours from death at 6 weeks old before undergoing heart surgery. Death is no joke and in my opinion neither is God.

God forbid I ever have to endure pain and suffering to get to the point where I just want to end it, but you're just going to have to dose me up with morphine as much as you can because as far as I'm concerned I'm not going anywhere until I am called. If I aid in my passing, as far as I'm concerned to me that's suicide and the last time I checked that doesn't get you a pass from God. I fear him more than that potential pain and it's funny I read one of the daily bible verses sent to me on my Blackberry this morning after I read the story about Hannah Jones and it was from John 14:2-3 "In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Broken down….

Mansions refers to dwelling places. Everybody has a longing for a permanent, secure place. Such places have already been set aside for all of God's children. Jesus has gone ahead to prepare our place. Peter never got over the wonder of his unfading, reserved, heavenly home (1 Pet. 1:3, 4). The Lord is telling them that though they are disturbed now, they will have rest and refreshment later.

With the whole religion debate, the "is there isn't there a heaven or a hell, a God or a Devil?" I look at it this way for myself. I am not perfect, my blog that shows part of me is there for the online world to see, I curse from time to time, may have impure thoughts about Obama, and want to slap a fool occasionally from getting on my damn nerves, but who is perfect? If there is a heaven [which I believe] then how is it hurting Christian/Catholic/Muslims [fill in the blank] people from practising a religion peacefully and being good and honest people? If there isn't a heaven well you lived your life a good person [hopefully] and if there is then you've got a great shot at getting in to the big house over than perishing in the fiery pits of hell. You have more to lose not having faith in my opinion than having faith, as you'll be blessed in this life and the next.

To sum it up: euthanasia/suicide I don't agree with it. Never have agreed with the whole 'playing God' role. I believe in too much to know there are consequences on the other side. Births, deaths and unions before God are already written. A lot of the rest is the gift of free will. I'm not interfering with the death side of things. All I know is I need to be prepared. And for me that's enough.

Everybody else can do and think as they please.