29 Dec 2009

"Welcome To The Real World"

Ever gone to open up your mouth to speak, you're about to say the first word then you clamp it shut?? Well that's how my fingers have been acting toward this keyboard and typing up a blog post. I click on 'new post' then hit the X in the top right hand corner and log straight off.

I love my blog I really do. I love the people that take the time to read about me rant, rave, recommend, inspire [I hope], and just be myself and [kinda] love me for...hell just being me. I'm using love in the like sense here folks.

Out of all of the months in 2009 I think December has been the most challenging for me personally. I knew I was a thinker, but damn I didn't realize just how much. In limbo, out of sync, indecisive, up and down...whatever you want to call it I have been it. Don't get me wrong I haven't been depressed or anything, I've actually been enjoying myself a hell of a lot, but you can't do that for every minute of the day, and when I'm not, that's when the brain gets to ticking. Thinking about where I want to be, where I don't want to be, where I want to go, where I don't want to go, and just figuring out what do I want in life to make me blissfully happy and content.

One thing I've learnt is that you can't rely on other people to determine your happiness. Even if they do make you happy, you have to be content and happy with yourself first and foremost, and I think that has been my biggest problem in my 30 years of existence on this earth. I've always relied on other people to make me happy, and when they don't it's a major let down. I've become the best type of selfish there is, and that's by putting me first. It doesn't mean to hell with everybody else [not at all] but it just means that I cannot put my wants and needs aside to tend to somebody else's ALL OF THE TIME like I used to.

My major issue used to be never knowing what I meant to certain people in my life. Kind of like wanting and needing some validation and acceptance. I've come to a point where you know what, you either tell me with sincerity or you don't. I'm not about to dig and ask people anymore what value I hold to them. The way they are towards me will be validation enough. I don't need to seek for that validation anymore, because it really does ring true about "it's what you think about you that matters, not what anybody else thinks." And for the first time I actually 'get it, think it and feel it.' I think highly of myself, love myself, deserve the very best and want the best. I always thought and felt it was wrong to think and feel that way, like I needed people to give me those things *shakes head* I don't. What they add onto that is a bonus and I'll accept it gladly if and when they decide to give it to me, but it's not about relying on it or seeking it anymore.

This is not me feeling or acting cold, it's just the reality kicking in. Does this officially mean I'm a real grown up? That the internal 18 year old has caught up with the external 30 year old? Who knows. I'm sure forever there will always remain that youthful and at times childlike element to my character that won't hurt or hinder the little picking of wisdom I'm gathering along the way. But truth be told, I honestly don't like this grown up feeling [YET], but it is something I'm going to have to get used to, because if I want the things in life grown ups are supposed to have then I better get on with it. Hadn't I? And for once...I know exactly what I want.


  1. *gives a standing ovation*..
    LD, you know I love your openness and honesty, but this post is GREAT, and I hope that I get to a point soon where I too become the 'best type of selfish there is'.... I'm nearly there, but every time I start to put myself first and foremost, something happens in someone else's life that makes me backslide and start putting others needs before mine again.

    *raises a glass* - here's to embracing the fact that our internal teenagers (mine is 19, btw), are actually grown a** women.

  2. "I've become the best type of selfish there is, and that's by putting [my needs] first,[not]somebody else's ALL OF THE TIME like I used to."

    That isn't coldhearted bitchery, nor is it true selfishness; it's just valuing and loving who you are.

    This is the classical lament of one of life's 'givers' - you give and give, and feel bad when the time comes for you to take. Don't.

    I learned early in life that putting yourself first isn't a bad thing; my mother gave up a lot to raise me and my siblings, and nothing was ever too much trouble. But she refused to be a martyr, always looking after herself and making it clear that, sometimes, what she wanted to do was important, too.
    Having just turned 30 I've come to appreciate this pattern of thought more than ever. It's a great place to be in when you can demand certain things from people from a place of want, not need. You can fall back on a solid rock of self-worth - not to be confused with an inflated sense of worth, or arrogance - come success or setback. And that, in truth, makes me happy to leave my gauche, awkward inner teen (and child) behind - I'll always be young at heart, though.

    This post has really got me thinking...

  3. Hmmm...I can see what you mean and I also think it's a process of growing up and realising that we're on our own in this world. Naked and alone we came and so we must go too most times.

    I wish you the best in 2010.


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