16 Feb 2010

What Do You Know About The People You Leave/Trust Your Children With?

I’m not yet married, nor do I have any children, but Lord help me Jesus when that day comes.

I’m not a very trusting person, and when children are involved you better believe I’ll trust you even less. Just the mere thought about leaving my children [who I don’t even have yet] at a day care or someone other than myself or their father actually makes me sick to my stomach.

I was on ‘the forum’ last week and reading a thread about the molestation episode on Oprah. I didn’t see it, but I think it may have been about fathers that were molesting their children. I created a spin off thread asking the ladies who would they trust/not trust with their children. The answers were eye opening and even though I’m not yet a mother I was glad I wasn’t alone in my way of thinking. I thought maybe I’m going to be a little too over-protective or over reacting. That thought had to erase quickly because I’m reminded of all the stories that I hear that make me think this way in the first place.

Here is a breakdown of some of the responses:
  • Some didn’t even trust their mothers to look after their children as they had boyfriends they didn’t trust, husbands with drink/drug problems or mothers who failed to protect them from sexual abuse as a child.
  • Some taught their children not to just be so open and go to just anyone. You know when you have a family gathering and there are those small babies or children who go to uncle x and aunt y for hugs and kisses and get passed from hand to hand..? Well some were not keen or happy about their child getting into a pattern where that behaviour was normal for them.
  • Some trusted very close friends over their own parents.
  • There were A LOT that said they trusted NO ONE other than themselves and their husbands, and if they have to go out the child goes with them.
  • Some had it planned before they had their children that they NEVER had to go into day care and worked from home or worked shifts.
  • Some mothers mentioned they would turn up at the day care at random times to check in on the staff unexpectedly, and said if they so much as noticed a shift in their child’s behaviour the day care would have a lot to answer for.
  • Some mothers only put their children in day care which they could monitor at home via webcam on the internet.
  • A lady mentioned she left her toddler with family and the grand mother was aware of the cousins letting the child watch porn. They thought it was funny. Yes including the grandmother!
  • A lady mentioned she left her child with her mother who she trusted, but the mother had on a previous occasion dropped the child off at someone’s house who the mother didn’t know.
  • There were also a lot of women that said they trusted certain friends but it was still a no no because they didn’t know nor trust the visitors she had come to the house.
  • One went as deep as saying she wouldn’t trust someone she knew in particular to watch her TV let alone her children.
There was a recent case of day care workers in the UK molesting the children and taking intimate pictures on a camera phone. None of the parents know if their child has been a victim of abuse because the abusers refuse to name the children they molested. And yes it was females too doing this.

Some may say all of the above and then some is extra. But let’s be real, child abuse is also very real. A majority of it is carried out by family members and don’t forget women are not exempt from being abusers also. EVERYBODY gets the side eye from me, not just men, women too! I’d rather be extremely protective than have to answer my child when they ask me “mummy why didn’t you protect me?” and have a lifetime of issues and counselling trying to repair something that could have been prevented. What if my child was abused then goes on to become an abuser. It’s time preventative measures were introduced to break this harmful cycle.

I know of more people that have been a victim of abuse than those that haven’t! So what is that telling you?

I swear some people would leave their child with just anyone, but would think, two, three or four times before letting you borrow their car or even walk their dog!

Here’s my personal take on it.
  • My child is NOT going anywhere or being left with anyone unless their name is mummy or daddy.
  • No random folks will be escorting my child to the bathroom or changing their nappy [diaper] out of my eyesight.
  • Junior is not about to be left with a friend or just any family member because myself or my husband share the same DNA.
  • Every day whilst my child is at day care I will be having a heart attack, so that’s a no no! I would be watching that webcam like a hawk and if that’s the case, then I might as well have Junior at home with me where I can watch him.
  • My child would not be left alone in a room with other adults/children. DON’T FORGET teens and children also can abuse small children. How many times do you go to big old family gatherings and the parents just leave the child and go off and mingle? All it takes is for one nasty bastard to take your kid in to a room or the bathroom for a few minutes.
I’m so sorry but some of my family and friends will just have to be offended. Yes there are some that I trust implicitly but I don’t know your man, husband or teenager like that. And who else is coming up in your house around my child? If people are going to be so thorough with a background check on someone who works with children, then I’ll keep you even further away from those that don’t, as you aren’t qualified and I don’t know your background. Plain and simple. Be offended, because that’s MY child. I know if I’m a protective sister, Lord knows I would die and kill for my kids. Yes he/she maybe cute so coo, compliment, but don’t touch their face with your dutty hands [but that’s a whole other blog].

I don’t want my children to be ‘go to’ children. An adult outstretches their arms then bam cuddle time. Back the HELL up! Not on my watch! Not with my kids! One of the first phrases I’m teaching my child is “Give me my personal space!”

And as for sleepovers FORGET IT!!! The same goes for friends of his who don’t like me or talk to me, but want to look after my child, I’ve known this happen to a few women. Their husband’s sisters or friends don’t even fart on them but wants to coo over their child? UMMMM NOOOOO, GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS! If you don’t have a vested interest in me then you’re not really going to be overly concerned with the safety of my child are you?

I don’t plan to shelter my children from what’s going on in the world; in fact I’d want my children to be VERY aware about the dangers out there. There will be none of this molly coddling business about “there are some bad people out there Junior.” And “don’t talk to strangers.” NO! The lessons between parents and child will go deeper than that, but not at the rate of giving little Junior a heart attack in the process. Proper terms will be used and he will be free to come to us to ask questions, that level of openness is important because the first thing abusers tell children are “mummy & daddy would be mad or not believe them if you tell them.”

Decisions on who our child/children stay with [if anybody] would have to be 100% agreed on by both parents. If the husband is not for day care but you are, I don’t think it’s fair to please only one party when it comes to the concerns of your child. Imagine you’re fine with the decision but every day he’s fretting about something potentially happening to his child? That’s not fair, and vice versa. If he has a sister or a best friend willing to baby-sit and you’re not comfortable with it, then I don’t agree with that either. So you go out on a date and you can’t enjoy yourself because you’re not comfortable with who your child has been left with and that’s all you can focus on and think about? Again…not fair, and potentially could cause strain or problems on your own relationship. If you both agree on someone you trust, then that’s fine, both parties are happy and the decisions are respected mutually. Now if you both can’t agree on someone you both trust, then hey that’s how it goes then I’m afraid, Junior will be around an awful lot.

For me, a HUGE deal breaker would be going against my wishes when it comes to the children. I would not be playing! I think it’s key and paramount when it comes to the safety and concern of your children to talk it out with your partner or husband, not go on the “it’s my way or the highway” tip and because you’re cool with it then that’s the end of discussion.

So ask yourself the following question “what do I know about the people I leave my children with?” If the answer is nothing or not a lot, then maybe you should rethink your childcare arrangements.

“Do I IMPLICITLY [unreservedly, absolutely, wholly, totally, utterly, perfectly, unconditionally] TRUST the people I leave my children with?” If the answer is don’t know or no, then the same thing applies, seriously rethink your childcare arrangements. That alone should be a SOLID and resounding YES when it comes to trusting someone with the care of your children.

You should always ask yourselves those two questions before you leave your children with anyone.

In closing, let’s keep it oh so very real. A background/police check doesn’t mean you aren’t an abuser of children. It simply means IF you are one, you just haven’t got caught yet!

Keep your eyes and your ears open when it comes to your children. Talk to them and have them talk to you. You have been given the most precious gift and entrusted by God to do so. Like any gift you receive, cherish it, treasure it, look after it. 



  1. Growing up we NEVER went for a sleepover, EVER because my mum told me she didn't trust what would happen there. I thought she was most uncoolest mother there was but now, I'm glad I never did go because some girls I know were abused at those sleepovers!
    I'm so with you about police checks..its checking what's already on file so how many more harmful folks haven't been caught?
    In my job I do come across abused children's cases and most often its those close to the children hardly the strangers..the parents, the uncles, the step parents, etc...its very sad!

  2. LD and Shona I am SO with you re: sleepovers. My daughter and any future kids I have, Lord willing are not going to ANY, and my husband is in full agreement. When I was a child, I only ever stayed at my aunts' or sister's house.

    I thought my sister was overprotective over my nephew but now that I'm a mum, I'm with her 100%, and she's one of the very few I'll trust with my little one.

    My girl is almost 3. I work part time and my mum or sister have her when I'm at work. She does go to playgroup for a couple of mornings per week, this is run by close family friends. I intend to equip my child with appropriate knowledge to protect herself. I don't encourage her to hug or kiss anyone if she doesn't feel like it. I have already bought this book called "Your Body Belongs to You" for my godsons and nephew and have one for her also:


  3. @ Shona I was raised EXACTLY the same way and thought my mother was trying to kill my social life but I get it now. My mother never allowed sleep overs whether we were in Zambia or living in Australia. She couldn't care less who it was. Her reply was always the same "I don't know those people". I didn't even have sleep overs with my own cousins because she didn't trust anyone but herself and my dad to look after us. On top of that from an early age she taught me how to look after myself so that she knew if she had to leave me alone there was no way I was opening the door for anybody, I wasn't going to people's homes to eat or drink anything she herself had not sanctioned. I say protect your children to the nth degree because its better you have a child growing up within boundaries and being safe.

  4. Here is a comment from someone who wanted to remain anonymous

    Great blog... Agree with much of what you have said. Being a parent (especially of a girl child), has made me question EVERYBODY !! As far as I'm concerned, EVERYBODY (family or not) is capable of harming my child, be that physically, emotionally, or otherwise, and my child is too precious to trust just anybody.

    A lot of people feel no way about leaving their children with family members/ friends/ associates/ Mrs. X down the road with no second thought to who else may be present in, or a visitor to the house. Not me !!!!!!!!

    I'm not saying I don't trust family members or close friends enough for my daughter to stay with them because I do, but unless there is a real need, then my child doesn't need to stay anywhere (especially overnight), apart from HOME !!!!!!

    I'm separated from my child's dad, so obviously some of that decision making is taken away from me when she is with him, but I have made sure that my daughter knows how to wipe herself when she goes to the toilet, and I've told her that NOBODY is to wipe her, and if anybody asks why tell them 'because my Mommy said I should wipe my Vagina myself'. Yes, we use the word Vagina (She's not even two yet), but I felt it important that she knows the correct name, so there could be no tom-foolery from someone trying to turn any nastiness into a game with her 'fairy' !!!!

    Nursery is a WHOLE other issue, and although she does go, it was a struggle to begin with, and whilst I trust them (as much as I can), I DO make sure to just pop in at random times !!! LOL. She loves it though, and I do think nursery/playschool is important for a child's social development.

    I didn't realise I was SO distrustful until I had a child.

  5. Ladies, My mother too NEVER allowed sleepovers. They never happened at our house and we were NEVER allowed to attend. I thought it was simply a case of my mother not wanting me to have any fun as a child. As you grow up you realise the reasons for pretty much everything that they said and did. Funny when I speak to a lot of my friends now and we have discussions now surrounding children, the answer is a resounding HELL NO when it comes to their children attending sleep overs. I guess little by little we take on some of our mother's traits as well as rules.


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