1 Dec 2010

Jealousy & The Other 'Woman' In Your Relationship...PORN!

It's been a long time since I've blogged and had many a topic in mind. I just couldn't decide on what exactly. So this afternoon, I decided to ask some of my Twitter followers for topics to blog about, and this is one of them.

“Should partners get jealous when/if the other half watches porn?”

Oh boy!


OK, I will personally answer this one for myself before excluding myself and answering generally.

Note: this isn't my situation, just my thought and feeling behind it.

I wouldn't be down with it in my relationship or future marriage. I believe that due to knowing myself very well, it would turn into a very serious problem down the line between the two of us BECAUSE OF WHO I AM. I know me. I am VERY sensitive, I get upset easily when it comes to feeling hurt by people that I care about, and if I feel my feelings are being shat on then that would not make a happy home at all.

As a woman, if my husband was getting off on watching big breasted, big booty women having sex with other people, then that is not going to give me a good feeling about myself, our relationship or do anything to raise my self esteem. I don't care what size she is to be frank, I’d be left wondering continually, "what is it that he sees in her and not me?" amongst other things. Yes women can get jealous and be left feeling insecure, and I'm sure men would too if we [women] were left on our own or together salivating over another man's appendage and getting off on it.

I would feel insecure, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Why should I? That's just how I would feel. I'm a human being, not Super Woman. No matter what straight talking things you read written by me on here, that's just one facet of many that I possess. If your man is turned on by looking at a certain type of woman, then naturally you are going to question the differences that you have, whether it's between a woman on the street or in porn. If a woman catches his attention, his attention is being caught because he likes what he sees, and at that time it's not you! And yes we have heard the bullsh** about men being visual creatures...well what do you think we women are? The walking dead?

There are a ton of women that feel this way but keep quiet let their men do it and say nothing, because they (a) don’t want to admit possible insecurity (b) let him do it because they say and think ‘it’s a typical man thing.’ I believe if it bothers you and he knows this, it should be a 'respect thing.'

Is logging onto a porn website that important to him that he can’t consider how bad that may possibly make his woman feel? (If she has a problem with it). Isn't it part of his job and duty as a man to make his woman feel totally loved and secure? It's not all about how much he can bring home, and throw down in the bedroom. Emotional support is paramount to a relationship with both parties. If it is that important to some men, then what they REALLY love would need to be questioned. Is it the 10 minute thrill or the emotional concern of your partner who is probably dedicating their life to you that's more important? Some things [when it comes to love and relationships] need to be sacrificed, and if you went through your single years jacking off to porn, then good for you, but this may not have any place in a long-term relationship or union and may need to be discussed in relationships.

I feel it is an important subject which can lead to a lot of hurt, disrespect and insecurity along the the line if it is not handled sensitively. I personally would not be going into a marriage without bringing these issues up beforehand. I’m a firm believer in being verbally open to discuss these things and EVERYTHING. [Notice I said discuss and not argue.] When it comes to any sensitive topic, especially where one party is not happy about something, a delicate approach, empathy, understanding and communication is key.

I will never tell a man what he can and can’t do. If he wants to watch it KNOWING how I’d feel about it then fine. I will do what I need to do in response to him doing whatever he’s doing, as for every action there is a reaction. It’s that simple. I just know for me that it’s a big deal and will choose not to be with that person. I couldn't. At that point it won’t be about the porn, but the lack of regard for my feelings which I cannot accept nor tolerate. I will find a man who puts me before porn and leave him to satisfy himself continually on a daily basis spreading his seed all over his keyboard. Let him cuddle up to his laptop at night. It won't cook, it won't clean, it won't rub your back and comfort you when you've had a bad day.

I remember a lady who used to be on a forum I frequented in the past. A naturally long haired, beautiful, black woman. I remember looking through her online photo albums she posted links to where she was always loved up with her fiance. A while later I checked back and saw she had since married and had a baby girl. I said “oh you guys finally got married. How sweet.” She told me she found out he had an addiction to porn, broke it off, found someone new and got married. [Now I don't know if she used the word 'addiction' loosely or not. Some women would find one magazine and scream ADDICTION.] The ring she had was from her new man [husband], as was the child. She said she couldn’t have a man like that in her life and got rid of him. My eyes were open wide in shock because this woman WAS IN LOVE with that man! I commend her for knowing her own self worth and moving on to something better for her. It lucked out for her it seems, and sister girl didn’t wait too long for it either. For her it was damaging and something she wasn’t going to put up with in her life. That was her right, as it was her man’s right to watch porn. We all have rights to do certain things in life. He chose to watch. She chose to leave. If she voiced her disdain for it and he chose to ignore her, then the consequences ensue. If it was something she was into then it would have been a satisfying relationship for them both, but it wasn’t.

Not ALL men indulge in watching porn.
Some women enjoy porn just as much as men.

The couple that watch porn together:
Jealousy won’t be a problem, and it will probably work out for them in their relationship. There are some that see it as nothing harmful. They’ll watch it alone, together, in the house, out of the house, wherever and whenever.

I don’t know if couples like this will function forever, will there come a time when one party wants out and becomes bored by it? Who knows?

The couple where neither party watches porn:
Either it’s just not for them or it’s down to religious beliefs. For them they'll probably be the type of couple where regard for each others feelings are important. They do what they can to ensure they are happy and make one another happy without the use or need for porn in each others lives.

The absence of porn won’t play a part in any jealousy so I guess they’ll be fine in that regard. This may also be the type of couple who are so into each other that they don't need porn to 'spice things up' and do quite well spicing things up in other ways between them in the bedroom.

The couple where one party watches porn, and the other doesn’t:
You’ll have two types here: One where the other party doesn’t mind, and one where they will mind.

Miss/Mr "I Don't Mind"
The sex life maybe bordering on boring between them. For some, the porn may be a godsend especially where the idea of sex with their partner now bores or sickens them. Some people just don’t want sex with their partner anymore and see porn as a means for them to get off without them. These types unfortunately are probably more than likely in a loveless relationship/marriage.

There may also be the "I Don't Mind" type that are cool and think nothing of their partner watching porn without them. Water off a ducks back for them I suppose.

Miss/Mr "I Do Mind"
This may be the kind of person I described myself to be in the first part of this post. It could be for many reasons including it makes them feel less worthy. They feel it's an abomination due to religious beliefs. They may feel like they are being cheated on. The idea of their partner lusting over someone else and watching them have sex just doesn't make them feel good, period! It may lead to a serious porn addiction and them acting out sexually outside of their marriage, always looking for that bigger sexual buzz. Plus many other reasons that I can't think of to list right now.

So to answer the question, should a partner get jealous if their partner watches porn? If they want to be/are jealous, then they have every right to be jealous. You cannot control or tell someone how to feel. An emotional reaction to anything, happens for a reason. It's not right to tell someone to get over it or that they're acting jealous over foolishness. That's not the way to handle the situation. Do you think people like being jealous when it involves someone that they love? Of course not! They don't want to be jealous anymore than you not wanting them to be [well some people do actually, but those aren't people you may necessarily want to be with.]

It's down to you to get to the bottom of what's making your partner jealous, and it's also down to your partner to communicate said feelings to you. Find out why it upsets your partner and come to an understanding of how to make things better between the two of you to eradicate that feeling within them. If it's a serious problem bordering on addiction then counselling would need to be sought. Brushing it off and continuing to do what upsets them will only make matters worse in the long run.

Just because porn is mainstream, there is less taboo about it and it is easily accessible, it doesn't mean that every person has the same views about it, especially in a relationship. Chances are that there are many couples who have/do view porn and it maybe wise to find out what place it has in your relationship, if any at all.


  1. Porn is a no go for me in any of my relationships. I was married to a man who was addicted to it. It drove a huge wedge between us and left me feeling insecure. In my opinion, if you have to look at other people to get arouse then there is a major problem.

  2. Interesting post and thanks for sharing.

    I disagree with you on your central theme but I do understand your insecurities. What women will never understand is that men don't watch porn because of a desire to see big tits and arses, that just makes it more glamorous in much the same way women would find it more attractive to watch Tyra's Americas Next Top Model than Gok's How To Look Good Naked. Those women in porn, I'm sorry (but not ashamed) to say are not women. They are purely sexual objects of desire. As my woman you have emotions, a mind and an intelligence I connect with and love, as well as your body. Porn actresses allow men to satisfy our non-comittal desire to hit it and quit it. In this way, accepting your man's propensity to porn can be very helpful to your relationship.

    Of course I'm not comparing porn with fashion, but the point is men have a deep desire to watch and engage in sex. That's it. Men have a deep desire to have sex with lots of women too. That's it. End of. And no matter how beautiful, lovely, attentive, tremendous in the kitchen, boardroom and bedroom a woman is, ALL men will still have these urges, Eric Benet will testify to that. I don't for a minute doubt for a moment that Jay is getting piece outside too (See Beyonce's Why Don't You Love Me? - or whatever it was called). It's NEVER going to change. It's not a game, so I despise the term "cheating", I think its lame. Infidelity and adultery, yes, that's what it is, but its not cheating. There are no rules to a game that doesn't exist.

    When men watch porn its not a reflection on their women. Even if he is dating the chick in the glamour porn film he's still going to watch girl next door amateur porn. It's not a reflection on you and there's nothing you're doing wrong. If you dump him over it, you're only doing so to find a new man who is either better at hiding his desire to watch porn or is sufficiently emasculated enough to withstand the urge, but trust me the urge is there.

    Women will never understand this, and mainstream or underground, bullying your man into denying his desire to watch porn is not healthy. You don't have to watch it with him, you don't have to like it but that's just what it is. Sorry to break it to you

    I hope this is coherent, I've bashed it out quite quickly as I need to get back and unpause my DVD player. Now, where's that vaseline?

  3. Let's Go Deeper, no where in my post did I mention about bullying any man or woman who watches porn into denial. If you want to leave a man/woman based on their interaction with pornography then that is a right, not a weapon to try and get what you want. If a woman wants to leave a man because of something she doesn't agree with, that's simply because it's not for her and she doesn't have to put up with it, get used to it, or feel more comfortable with it. Are we supposed to feel the same about strip clubs as well?

    Your comment came across as a put up or shut up type response to women who maybe left feeling insecure or jealous as a result. "You don't have to watch it with him, you don't have to like it but that's just what it is." Are you also saying that if we don't allow them to 'hit it and quit it' in the fantasy sense of watching porn, then they just may step outside of the relationship and do just that with another woman?

    **bangs head on desk**

    Like Candice and the other woman who I mentioned in my post it became a problem which cost one their relationship and another their marriage. This wasn't an over exaggeration to them and probably not a little snoop and wank over a magazine. It was something which hurt them deeply. Deeply enough to leave these men as it was damaging to their relationships and self esteem.

    I appreciate the response to the post, but you seemed to give us ladies a 'lesson' into believing this is something that ALL men do. So whether in front of you or behind your back, get used to it ladies because this is how it's going to be type response. And if you leave him, then you're only going to move onto another man who's gonna do the same.

    Sorry but I don't agree. I don't believe the 'all men' mantras. All men are dogs, all men cheat, or all men watch porn etc. Is it common for men to do? Yes. Have a lot of men indulged in watching it at some point in their lives? Yes.

    We aren't naive, we know this.

    Are there some men out there if it upset/bothered their partner they would refrain from doing so as it just wasn't a big enough deal to wreck their relationship? Yes. Not every man is cut from the same cloth. Men need to realize, not every man is alike based on what you and your homies may/may not do.

    I have a male friend who admits to not liking or watching porn as it does nothing for him. He has nothing to gain from admitting this to me and my female friends as he's not out to try and lull us into a false sense of security in the hope of dating him by putting on a facade to impress us. He just doesn't like it, he gets nothing from it, and I don't find that hard to believe either. Why? Because I'm not under the mindset that all men are the same, never have been, never will be. There are always exceptions to the majority and exceptions to everything.

    Although a detailed response, it was a rather lazy outlook on it. So rather than listen to the potential concerns of your partner in a scenario I laid out, you'd explain to a woman why men do it, say baby it's not about you, expect her to be cool with it and adopt a "it's what men do" stance on it, and carry on?

    To each their own I suppose, that may work with some women, but not all of them. I have read long drawn out threads on forums on-line (by men) where porn just is NOT their thing, so you can't generalize and speak for the whole of mankind on this one I'm afraid. There is are even anti-porn organizations created by men, so already that dispells this 'all men' thing which I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing.

    Not every man has this craving or desire to be aroused by pornography and the sooner some men realized this, the better.

    What gets me sometimes is, as much as men do not want to be generalized by women and lumped into the same category, when trying to get your point across all of a sudden you yourselves generalize your own gender group.

  4. Fair comments. However, we all generalise, there's nothing wrong with generlisations or stereotypes as long as they're accepted as just that. Nobody minds positive generalisations or stereotypes, only the negative ones. Both are necessary

    You're right. Of course not all men watch porn, not all men like porn. I completely agree with you and I know men who don't watch porn or get anything from it just as I know women who don't adore shoes or get anything from shopping, yet women too generalise about "shopping" being a 'girl thing'. I digress

    My point wasn't that I was giving a lesson to women, or put up or shut up, and as I rushed my response rather than deliver a considered one I accept your rap on the knuckles.

    The point I was making is that women (and by that of course I'm generalising), feminists in particular, have been marching incessantly over the last couple of decades now about what women want and this has been to the detriment of consideration into what (their) men (might) want or desire. Or who men are. Men have had to completely change their approach in the way they understand relationships, much of this for the better - clearly, but a lot of it not. Women have not stopped to understand that men are different from women. They cannot want us to be more like women (more talkative, more open, better grooming, more sensitive) yet remain every bit a man. For many men, myself included, all of those things came natuarally but I write here in defence of those men who are a little less "in touch" and able to communicate it

    Men (generalisation) need to be allowed to be men without their women (gen) trying to change them. This still goes on and ultimately that is what your article is about. If all else is great in a relationship, well the porn still has to go because of my feelings. My. Mine. Mine. Mine. Change it or lose me. Ultimatum. Women (gen) need to understand that it takes two for a relationship to work. Compromise. This means accepting that men (gen) will have some habits they just cannot understand or appreciate. Rather than taking it personally because men may leave the toilet seat up, women might just wan to calmly put it down again and go about their happily congugated lives. It's not personal, its not about them, your man doesn't do it to hurt you, he does it because he is a man and that is a desire he (gen) has. He can (and should) take steps to comfort you about this and if you cannot stand it all then yes you both need to explore where to go from here. But it seems men (gen) always need to change fundamentally somehow to prove their love. Change religion, stop spending so much time with his friends, watch less football, stop watching porn (all gens). Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Change to suit me. Stop doing that. To suit me. Porn is just fantasy. Nothing more, nothing less. If a woman dumps her man because of it that's her prerogative and of course she needs to find a man who is more sensitive to her needs. But perhaps she could have been more sensitive to his? I don't know the situation you highlighted, maybe he was a little too chronic with it, LOL

    You are right, each to his/her own. But it seems to me that there are going to be a lot of unnecessarily single women because female empowering blogs are delivering a mantra of 'get what is right for you girl - at all costs - and be uncompromising with it'. I daresay it won't be too long before there'll be divorce petitions in courts because toilet seats were left up one too many times.

    ps. I do write in a very direct manner, please don't take it as instructive or callous. I'm actually VERY sensitive to people's needs and feelings, but I often write from a devil's advocate position. Tough love and all that...

  5. I originally bookmarked this post to come and comment on it later but throughout the day I have had this on my mind. To come and read the comment especially by Lets Go Deeper (LGD), I KNEW, I just felt it in my bones there would be the "all men do it, accept it" response.

    What's interesting to note, LGD is how you are so ready to speak on behalf of all "manly men" saying you all have the urge or do watch porn AND then you ridicule the man who doesn't watch or have the urge by calling him "emasculated".

    Golf clap to you for such an assessment. You have to present a little better than that in my opinion. Here's where your "all men have the urge" theory fails abysmally. No one man's sexual proclivities are the same. On a level of 1 to R.Kelly men's freak meter, what they are interested in, partake, get urges for varies. That is fact. So no not all men will have the urge for porn just as not all men will have the urge to pee on underage girls. The only difference is that one(porn) is so normalised in our society that certain people accept it as something that EVERYONE is up to. Erm no. If you find it normal and want to engage in it I hope you, your left hand and your DVD player enjoy your Ménage à trois.

    God forbid the day that golden showers are accepted as normal by society and thus labelled as an "everyday thing", "everybody does it" thing.

    That is how I view Porn. I do not view it as normal, I refuse to accept it and it is my choice to say to the man I love/like that it's unacceptable. Yes it is a deal breaker.

    Accepting porn in your relationship is a slippery slope. What happens when that isn't enough? You claim it's not about the woman who the man is in the relationship with but about gratifying some need to "hit and quit it". So in the same vein I should think you think the urge to watch strippers & frequent strip clubs is a normal part of "manly desire"?

    Last but not least, lets look at how the acceptance of porn in relationships will affect society in the long term. But oh wait...you don't care about the long term because ll you are worried about is the 1 to maybe 3mins of pleasure you might get from watching porn with your left hand and jnr.

    I say go read some studies and you'll find that while you are escaping watching porn it eventually creeps into your reality. It affects the way you treat the women in your life and the way you think/handle sex. There is a good reason why porn doesn't have stories about respect, love and its more about anger, aggression and domination.

    For those women and men who are naive enough to think that if he can watch porn that degrades women...yes degrades women and then say "Baby I dont think of you that way" then I feel sorry for you because he does or will soon come to that point.

    P.s Eric Benet as an example really? What other stellar people you want to give to assure us that the desire/urge is normal... Tiger? Charlie Sheen? Yeah stellar individuals there...porn no problem huh. I call bullsh*t and I see your swindle and raise you THE TRUTH.

  6. Not all men do it. In fact some men dont support it at all. I read this article last month - adds an interesting dimension to the debate:http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/oct/25/men-believe-porn-is-wrong.
    Nice post lady.

  7. What more can I add? Guess its already been covered. Porn does nothing for me, I actually end up analysing different things and you'd think I was about to write a thesis on it...yep it doesn't work for moi.
    Not all men watch it, and not all men are addicted to it...I know there are women out there who also watch it.
    This is another subject that I say to each their own because as much as some despise it, some 'enjoy' it...

  8. Hi Kookie

    On your point,

    "What's interesting to note, LGD is how you are so ready to speak on behalf of all "manly men" saying you all have the urge or do watch porn AND then you ridicule the man who doesn't watch or have the urge by calling him "emasculated"."

    If you would care to read my point again with an open mind rather than an attacked feminist stance you might see that these were two very separate aspects of a a point I raised. As I said, I generalised (gen) and I support that. But I said that men watch porn (gen) and that's that. Not all men, but for men who do that is all. It's not a slippery slope to golden showers, bukkake or sexually disrespecting the woman I love just as cannabis is not an automatic gateway to heroin and crack addiction. If you follow your argument to its logical conclusion, what you are saying is that people who smoke marijuana are unaware of how it creeps into their reality, making them deviant in their general behaviour and will "affect society in the long term. But oh wait...[they] don't care about the long term because [a]ll [they] are worried about is the 1 to maybe 3mins of pleasure [they] might get from" their puff. Please!

    The second point about emasculated men, well you can analyse my comment that way if it makes you feel better. My point is that men are highly sexed beings. Some men watch porn, some sleep around, others find their sexual satisfaction in other ways but we are genetically disposed to seeking to ejaculate as often as possible. Of course there are men with much lower sex drives and men with little or no interest in pursuing these urges, but so what? There are women that don't want to be mothers but does that mean its wrong to say its women's natural instinct at some point to crave motherhood? Of course its a generalisation but its still one we often make, and rightfully so. It is for that very same reproductive reason why its GENERALISATIONALLY a man's urge to crave sex.

    Thank you, I am widely read on the subject and additionally, having gone to university I was one of the enlightened ones who came away having learned that the whole point of higher education is to read and form ones own opinions based on the facts. Of course, one does not need to go to university to learn this

    Finally, Eric Benet. Surely, if you want to challenge that example you would be in fact attacking Halle Berry wouldn't you? Read that point again, how it was constructed.

    But if you want examples of stellar individuals how about Bill Clinton, Jacques Chirac, John Major, John F Kennedy, Prince Charles, James Cameron, Donald Trump, oh I could go on for freaking days. Oh, and the countless number of church ministers who have had affairs. And while I'm at it, I'm sure before the scandal broke even you were just as impressed by Tiger Woods and David Beckham as anybody else was. Their success and devotion to their families. And in spite of all these men's relationship infidelities they continue to be 'stellar individuals' who work(ed) tirelessly, championing heavyweight causes and setting (otherwise) formidable examples of achievement and altruism in society. Their infidelities actually serve to reinforce my point so thank you for highlighting the need for me to elaborate with examples of 'stellar individuals'.

    However, thanks for your feedback on my comment, it was interesting reading your views and it has opened my mind somewhat. Thanks

  9. LGD correct me if I'm wrong (I'm sure you will)from your university studies O enlightened one are you saying that from your vast knowledge about this topic you never once came across studies upon studies that showed how young boys who started watching porn at a young age were affected by it? Even older men? Particularly in their sexual relationships with women? Are you seriously denying that there is no negative effect on society? You do realise people have become addicted to marijuana, lost their jobs and been unable to function in society right? So I'm going to say yes people who smoke marijuana are going to be unaware how that affects their reality. Having unfortunately dated someone in my younger years who was a weed smoker I was privy to his mood swings, his inability to relax without the drug, insomnia (I could go on). So yes I maintain that liking porn is a slippery slope just as smoking marijuana is because if the wrong man gets a hold of it sh*t happens that they can't always control no matter how inherently male it is of them to participate in said behaviour. Thats a fact.

    Secondly...my "attacking feminist stance?". Why is it that a personal opinion of mine that I came via my own reading of facts (sorry my knowledge is not as vast as yours) is labelled as feminism? At what point did I say I am feminist hear me roar? Oh because I am a female opposing an established male point of view with confidence it's now an "attacking feminist stance". Way to go Sherlock on your assumption of who I am and what I believe but no...that's not it.

    Here's what I hear you on. You say its inherent for a man to crave sex. Am I rejecting this? NO! What I'm saying to you is allow me to find the man whose burgeoning need for sex is not the be all and end all of his life which is only satisfiable by cheating, frequenting strip clubs, brothels, buying a whole bunch of porn etc. That's not normal for me. You can have the urge for sex but that's why you find a mate. A girlfriend. A wife. Friend with Benefits. Someone whose sexually compatible with you or willing to work that out with you. Women have urges too buddy and there are women with a HIGH sex drive. So I reiterate for the last time, having the urge for sex, even a lot of sex is fine and dandy if you can handle it. Some people have a high libido (all I ask is you share this little tidbit with me at some point). Where its a problem for me is that you seem to be saying that because of this inherent need for sex men must find a release in things like porn. *blank stare* No, I'm not buying that or the latest porn dvd for my man's birthday neither. *end of*

  10. I agree with Kookie especially with regard to the whole 'feminist stance' thing. It's offensive and you don't even seem to realise it.

    A man can have an opinion, and it is seen as just that...an opinion! The minute a woman has an opinion on anything to do with a gender based topic which we don't agree on and all of a sudden we are taking a feminist stance/are feminists.

    LGD to suggest that Kookie or any other woman with the same viewpoint/mindset is a feminist is the equivalent of name calling and I'll tell you why.

    Rather than objectively read the responses just as they are, as responses, you immediately take offense that this is some male bashed response and throw a label on it and call it feminism. In this context feminism is used as a 'dirty' word to undermine her response to yours in order to make your opinion seem more valid.

  11. It has been interesting, not only to read the blog item, but also to hear the discussions. As a Black gay man, the issue is a non-starter for me. Porn is considered to be an every day part of gay life. How much we accept or use it in our lives is up to us as individuals, but with gay men it’s normally how big your porn collection is that is the question, more than whether you watch/have it or not. Then again, gay men normalise sexual liberation and of the male gay relationships out there, exclusive relationships are the minority. So sexual imagery, adventurous sexual activity, naked bodies, mags, videos, online casual dating, sexual fetish clubs, sex rooms in normal clubs, saunas, group sexual activity, open relationships etc. are a part of our lives and often mostly about to what extent they are negotiated within relationships.

    To be honest, I shook my heard when I heard the expectations here. I empathise with two camps – the women here who have a right to have an expectation around the kind of man they want to be with and how he expresses himself sexually. I also empathise with men who are being encouraged and exposed to an increasingly sexualised society – this pleases them much! I see the problem to be the lack of development within heterosexual relationships. Too safe! Boy meets girl. Girl wants to know if you are her knight in shining armour and can treat her like her daddy did. Boy promises he will but knows in his heart of heart he wishes things could be different cos he isn’t like his daddy or hers. Boy dares not suggest anything out off cultural expectations so promises the world and secretly yearns for other ‘stuff’. Kettle filled. Switch on. Soon to boil…

    I’m not saying that girls are wrong or boys are wrong. I’m saying that we as a society are developing at an amazing speed. Modern day living challenges every aspect of thinking. Who invited the cultural values around marriage, monogamy, etc.? why shouldn’t they change? The 60s saw a major blast of heterosexual people questioning sexual ideologies…then it died down…we’re having a new millennium blast methinks! Some of my straight friends are convinced they are frustrated gay men (running joke) and others might as wear Little House on The Prairie bonnets and skip cross a field every day to gather dandelions. Ok I jest…can’t resist a tummy-tickle. But really - straight folk need to synergise more in order to work through ‘must-haves’, ‘what ifs’, ‘no-ways’ and evolutionary ‘I was feeling’ discussion points. There are arguments both ways, I know. I can tell you one thing that gay men have learned to do though: accept the FULL SPECTRUM of expression of sexuality and try to encourage it into their relationships because we believe there is not sense trying to suppress something that is innately part of our true selves. Porn is the red-herring in the wider-scheme of a deeply serious matter. Men do not like to be stifled (straight or gay). Come on – you know that, don’t you? Don’t you?! I say to the sisters out there: if you’re stifling a man, you might win in your book, but you are less likely to be with that man in the long term. I say to the men out there: be honest in your relationships. Show who and what you are and incorporate your full sexual persona into your relationship – it is so IMPOTENT (another joke – I couldn’t’ resist..). EVERYONE: if you want to have a relationship, you have to be able to TALK ABOUT SEX. Words of the day: express, listen, synergise. Or buy some batteries to keep you company in your old age. Or some Vaseline. Ah-ha-haaaiii! Mi lion!

  12. I wasn't going to say any more because much as though I love to discuss and debate I hate when it gets nasty. About the only intelligent comment here is Spiritd's (over and above mine too). I also believe that the type of gay relationships Spiritd has alluded to demonstrates the way straight men's desires are seriously suppressed by relationships with women. Spiritd's account of the size of the porn collection being the question and the normalisation of sexual liberation and exclusive relationships being the minority is a perfect example of what is most men want. So women can continue to selfishly demand that men become more sensitive to their needs and settle for a life of no porn, no strip clubs, no brothels etc and a single partner for life while men don't really want that. But women don't care about men's needs, just me me me me me. Again. I stretched that point but fundamentally I'm serious. Ultimately, men do not want that no matter what civilised society has taught us is Kookie's "normal".

    Kookie and Diva, I didn't say anybody is a feminist, I challenge you to show me where I did. I said Kookie came at her particular point (I forget which and I'm not going to scroll up) from an attacked feminist stance, i.e a particular type of position. I actually started my second comment with a paragraph stating how my first comment was my opinion which should be respected as I respect others' views.

    Kookie's first response to mine was offensive at times, Diva it seems you overlooked that. Her 2nd comment again was quite offensive and that's been overlooked again too, however I didn't take these personally, why must you take a particular comment so personally? Instead an analysis of my comments has been made and we have a situation where the man is accused of being offensive. In a next breadth I'd expect to see the term bullying. Even if I did suggest somebody was a feminist, there is no suggestion from me that that is a derogatory term, I certainly don't think so, I firmly believe in equality of all types, racial, sexual, sexual orientation etc... Seems its the women here who have taken offence to the feminist march, not me. I don't judge, I just say it as I see it and that's how I saw it.

    Also, please. What's with the 'o enlightened one?' You suggested I go and read, I responded that I have and that a university education taught me to ask questions on what I read, I don't see why you felt the need to pick at that.

    Anyhow, I find it increasingly difficult to have these discussions with some women (yes, I'm generalising) who take any sort of criticism as some sort of condescending male superiority slur. It's not helpful, much like the "is it cos I is black" refrain. Much like the 'hater' thing. Boring

  13. I haven’t checked LD’s blog in a while…just saw the latest addition to this thread, to caca-fawt. How has the discussion descended into this? I totally understand that people become passionate about subjects like this because it touches on some raw issues. However we should all be able to have good dialogue in a way that respects each others’ opinions and brings us together even in our differences. So let’s keep debating and digging deep on all the issues…but try not to swing punches or react to punches thrown! Time out errbody :) *widens eyes waiting for the next blog post.* *presses play on the DVD until then…ahem*


    Twitter: spiritdstrength


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