It's been a long time since I've blogged and had many a topic in mind. I just couldn't decide on what exactly. So this afternoon, I decided to ask some of my Twitter followers for topics to blog about, and this is one of them.
“Should partners get jealous when/if the other half watches porn?”
Oh boy!
**Exhales**
OK, I will personally answer this one for myself before excluding myself and answering generally.
Note: this isn't my situation, just my thought and feeling behind it.
I wouldn't be down with it in my relationship or future marriage. I believe that due to knowing myself very well, it would turn into a very serious problem down the line between the two of us BECAUSE OF WHO I AM. I know me. I am VERY sensitive, I get upset easily when it comes to feeling hurt by people that I care about, and if I feel my feelings are being shat on then that would not make a happy home at all.
As a woman, if my husband was getting off on watching big breasted, big booty women having sex with other people, then that is not going to give me a good feeling about myself, our relationship or do anything to raise my self esteem. I don't care what size she is to be frank, I’d be left wondering continually, "what is it that he sees in her and not me?" amongst other things. Yes women can get jealous and be left feeling insecure, and I'm sure men would too if we [women] were left on our own or together salivating over another man's appendage and getting off on it.
I would feel insecure, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Why should I? That's just how I would feel. I'm a human being, not Super Woman. No matter what straight talking things you read written by me on here, that's just one facet of many that I possess. If your man is turned on by looking at a certain type of woman, then naturally you are going to question the differences that you have, whether it's between a woman on the street or in porn. If a woman catches his attention, his attention is being caught because he likes what he sees, and at that time it's not you! And yes we have heard the bullsh** about men being visual creatures...well what do you think we women are? The walking dead?
There are a ton of women that feel this way but keep quiet let their men do it and say nothing, because they (a) don’t want to admit possible insecurity (b) let him do it because they say and think ‘it’s a typical man thing.’ I believe if it bothers you and he knows this, it should be a 'respect thing.'
Is logging onto a porn website that important to him that he can’t consider how bad that may possibly make his woman feel? (If she has a problem with it). Isn't it part of his job and duty as a man to make his woman feel totally loved and secure? It's not all about how much he can bring home, and throw down in the bedroom. Emotional support is paramount to a relationship with both parties. If it is that important to some men, then what they REALLY love would need to be questioned. Is it the 10 minute thrill or the emotional concern of your partner who is probably dedicating their life to you that's more important? Some things [when it comes to love and relationships] need to be sacrificed, and if you went through your single years jacking off to porn, then good for you, but this may not have any place in a long-term relationship or union and may need to be discussed in relationships.
I feel it is an important subject which can lead to a lot of hurt, disrespect and insecurity along the the line if it is not handled sensitively. I personally would not be going into a marriage without bringing these issues up beforehand. I’m a firm believer in being verbally open to discuss these things and EVERYTHING. [Notice I said discuss and not argue.] When it comes to any sensitive topic, especially where one party is not happy about something, a delicate approach, empathy, understanding and communication is key.
I will never tell a man what he can and can’t do. If he wants to watch it KNOWING how I’d feel about it then fine. I will do what I need to do in response to him doing whatever he’s doing, as for every action there is a reaction. It’s that simple. I just know for me that it’s a big deal and will choose not to be with that person. I couldn't. At that point it won’t be about the porn, but the lack of regard for my feelings which I cannot accept nor tolerate. I will find a man who puts me before porn and leave him to satisfy himself continually on a daily basis spreading his seed all over his keyboard. Let him cuddle up to his laptop at night. It won't cook, it won't clean, it won't rub your back and comfort you when you've had a bad day.
I remember a lady who used to be on a forum I frequented in the past. A naturally long haired, beautiful, black woman. I remember looking through her online photo albums she posted links to where she was always loved up with her fiance. A while later I checked back and saw she had since married and had a baby girl. I said “oh you guys finally got married. How sweet.” She told me she found out he had an addiction to porn, broke it off, found someone new and got married. [Now I don't know if she used the word 'addiction' loosely or not. Some women would find one magazine and scream ADDICTION.] The ring she had was from her new man [husband], as was the child. She said she couldn’t have a man like that in her life and got rid of him. My eyes were open wide in shock because this woman WAS IN LOVE with that man! I commend her for knowing her own self worth and moving on to something better for her. It lucked out for her it seems, and sister girl didn’t wait too long for it either. For her it was damaging and something she wasn’t going to put up with in her life. That was her right, as it was her man’s right to watch porn. We all have rights to do certain things in life. He chose to watch. She chose to leave. If she voiced her disdain for it and he chose to ignore her, then the consequences ensue. If it was something she was into then it would have been a satisfying relationship for them both, but it wasn’t.
FACT:
Not ALL men indulge in watching porn.
Some women enjoy porn just as much as men.
The couple that watch porn together:
Jealousy won’t be a problem, and it will probably work out for them in their relationship. There are some that see it as nothing harmful. They’ll watch it alone, together, in the house, out of the house, wherever and whenever.
I don’t know if couples like this will function forever, will there come a time when one party wants out and becomes bored by it? Who knows?
The couple where neither party watches porn:
Either it’s just not for them or it’s down to religious beliefs. For them they'll probably be the type of couple where regard for each others feelings are important. They do what they can to ensure they are happy and make one another happy without the use or need for porn in each others lives.
The absence of porn won’t play a part in any jealousy so I guess they’ll be fine in that regard. This may also be the type of couple who are so into each other that they don't need porn to 'spice things up' and do quite well spicing things up in other ways between them in the bedroom.
The couple where one party watches porn, and the other doesn’t:
You’ll have two types here: One where the other party doesn’t mind, and one where they will mind.
Miss/Mr "I Don't Mind"
The sex life maybe bordering on boring between them. For some, the porn may be a godsend especially where the idea of sex with their partner now bores or sickens them. Some people just don’t want sex with their partner anymore and see porn as a means for them to get off without them. These types unfortunately are probably more than likely in a loveless relationship/marriage.
There may also be the "I Don't Mind" type that are cool and think nothing of their partner watching porn without them. Water off a ducks back for them I suppose.
Miss/Mr "I Do Mind"
This may be the kind of person I described myself to be in the first part of this post. It could be for many reasons including it makes them feel less worthy. They feel it's an abomination due to religious beliefs. They may feel like they are being cheated on. The idea of their partner lusting over someone else and watching them have sex just doesn't make them feel good, period! It may lead to a serious porn addiction and them acting out sexually outside of their marriage, always looking for that bigger sexual buzz. Plus many other reasons that I can't think of to list right now.
So to answer the question, should a partner get jealous if their partner watches porn? If they want to be/are jealous, then they have every right to be jealous. You cannot control or tell someone how to feel. An emotional reaction to anything, happens for a reason. It's not right to tell someone to get over it or that they're acting jealous over foolishness. That's not the way to handle the situation. Do you think people like being jealous when it involves someone that they love? Of course not! They don't want to be jealous anymore than you not wanting them to be [well some people do actually, but those aren't people you may necessarily want to be with.]
It's down to you to get to the bottom of what's making your partner jealous, and it's also down to your partner to communicate said feelings to you. Find out why it upsets your partner and come to an understanding of how to make things better between the two of you to eradicate that feeling within them. If it's a serious problem bordering on addiction then counselling would need to be sought. Brushing it off and continuing to do what upsets them will only make matters worse in the long run.
Just because porn is mainstream, there is less taboo about it and it is easily accessible, it doesn't mean that every person has the same views about it, especially in a relationship. Chances are that there are many couples who have/do view porn and it maybe wise to find out what place it has in your relationship, if any at all.
