My Phone Number/BBM/E-Mail address Is Not A License To Me And My Time!

Which part of “I am busy” do people men not understand? Can I please get in my front door, take a shower then breathe before I get a barrage of Blackberry messages asking in desperation “are you gonna call?” “Call me.”

OH.MY.SWEET.JESUS!

Or when I do call (or he calls), the conversation ends…yet going on midnight he wants me to call him back later???? What is with that??? I am going to my damn bed! AND before bed I need some time to myself!

If I say “I’ll call you tomorrow” please don’t ask me why? It’s like going to a store and asking for credit; ‘don’t be offended if you get an answer you may not like.’

I don’t have to be doing much of anything.

I don’t answer to anybody so chances are I’m not going to be answering to you either.

You don’t need to know that I want to watch my favourite TV program.

…that I want to take a long bath whilst listening to a Steve Allen podcast.

…that it’s movie time

…that I just want some damn peace and quiet and may want an early night and don’t want to speak to anybody!!

I have those moments. I am used to being with someone and liking it and I am used to being by myself and liking it too. I like ME time. I really do. I am very comfortable by myself in a space where I don’t have to answer to anybody.

GOT IT!!!

The other night I was speaking to this guy and he was getting off work and asked me what was I doing later. I said I was going to wash my hair and then chill and watch a movie. Bear in mind it was 22:30 at this point. I am A BLACK WOMAN; we aren’t on some Vidal Sassoon Wash n Go ish like our Caucasian counterparts. Washing our hair IS AN EVENT. *All my sistas who agree with me say AMEN!* By the time I’m done washing, conditioning, detangling, moisturising and styling my hair the birds are up and tweeting going on 6 in the morning. So even after I throw in ‘wash my hair and watch a movie’ line this guy is on a “text me when you’re done and we can talk later” flex.

**BLINKS**

WHICH.PART.BRUV? Did you not hear “watch a movie”? A movie lasts on average 100 minutes and it’s already 22:30. After 45 minutes and 18 seconds, I’m quite alright after speaking to you, thanks. I don’t need anymore tonight!

Needless to say I didn’t wash my hair and I didn’t watch a movie. I hate that feeling where you feel like you have to rush what you’re doing to call a person back or even lie so you don’t have to call back. I’m not down with that at all. OK I may feel differently if he would have said “no worries take your time I’m up until ‘X’ o’clock” or “if you’re too busy tonight, we can talk tomorrow.” THAT I am open and more receptive to. All of this demanding, I can’t stand and I don’t like it. It’s a turn off. I’m sick of dealing with men with no damn consideration, especially for my time. My time is PRECIOUS and recently enough of it has been wasted. The Lord God is not giving me back that time either, so going forward I need to invest it wisely.

If a day goes by without me replying to some guys e-mail I get some message back on this, “oh so it’s like that?” tip. *insert screw face here* I don’t even respond I simply DELETE.

As much as I want to say, “I had x, y, and z to do as well as, I have a life in between me logging onto my computer and a full-time job,” I don’t. The old me couldn’t wait to tell some of these dudes about themselves. Now I get more pleasure hitting the delete button. Actions speak louder than words. My lack of action in dealing with certain individuals speaks volumes these days, trust me.

I had an old friend pop up out of the blue a short while ago. I installed my instant messenger accounts back on my Blackberry and must have left it on whilst I was asleep. I wake up at 4:02am [yes very precise I know] so we get to talking, it had been a couple of years since we last caught up. The next day he messages me saying that he’s going to make more of an effort to keep in touch this time around. I responded positively, and because I say the exact same wording as I had to a previous message hours before, he took that as me wanting him to leave me alone.

**BLINKS**

I guess being repetitive to a guy means “she’s bored or lying.” I was too through, but had to break it down to him rather than hit delete because he is the sweetest thing since sliced bread a Gregg’s Belgian Bun and I didn’t want there to be a misunderstanding. I noticed that with both of us being typical Cancers we are sensitive as hell. I have time for him because he’s cool and decent, but with some of the others my patience just wears very thin, and I really have no time for it at all.

I’m putting my foot down a lot harder than I ever have done before. Some of these traits need to be nipped in the bud with a quickness. I don’t know what kind of woman some of these dudes were with before but I am not the one.

Just for the record fellas if a woman tells you her name. We’d like for you to use it please unless she states otherwise.

It’s not: Babe/Babes, Baby, Sexy Lady, Fine Ass or Hun.

As for pictures, we don’t mind you sending pics of yourself either, but taking your shirt off is not a good look, whether you’re buff or not. It screams conceited. It really does. And not all women faint like a stan at a Michael Jackson concert circa 1988 at the sight of firm abs and a chest.

Be yourself, stop with the demands, insensitivity and PLEASE for the love of all things holy, keep your damn shirt on.

Most of all, have some consideration. We have lives and are busy. We don’t go home to paint our nails and sit by the phone all night like that girl in “He’s just not that into you” waiting for you to call. Sometimes WE’RE just not that into you, or we are but you’re just keen to the point of suffocation that it can be over bearing.

Basic things women do that men may have no clue we do:


Cook
Clean
Read
Watch TV
Have ME time
Go the spa/nail salon/hair salon
Wash our hair
Have personal projects going on
Spend time socialising with friends
Speak to people other than yourself
Go clubbing
Work on our business [so in the future we’re not dependant on you if you decide to run off and do a ‘Tiger Woods/Jesse James on us.]
Watch a movie
Plug OUT the phone/SWITCH the cell phone off/Put it on silent
Shop
Work out
Go to the theatre
SLEEP

For a lot of us modern day women all of the above are normal for us to do on a regular basis. During these moments we don’t really have the time to be speaking to you. Please remember that. We’re not trying to be cruel, we’re trying to have a life and live a life. The very thing you require that we have, so we aren’t clinging onto you 24/7. If you want an independent free thinking woman then know that sometimes her time maybe limited. If this isn’t for you then there are plenty of gold diggers with little time on their hands just waiting for you to call them at all hours of the day and night.

Comment Spinoff: Men, Paying & Dating

I always have an opinion on something, and from some comments I receive and read on other blogs it sometimes spurs me on to want to go a little more in depth about a particular subject matter. I've decided to make this a little new blog feature, so don't worry you're not be called out or picked on or anything.

"Don't be cheap if YOU ask me out, why am I paying?" This was on one on my Confessions. Admissions. What's On A Diva's Mind blog last week. In the comments John Boy responded with "But men do all the asking out. Does that mean we should do all the paying out?"

Good Question!! Here is my general take on paying, dating and asking out in general.
We've all heard of the 'unwritten rule' and here are a few of them.

To go out as a woman with a man who has asked you out. He pays.
To go out as a woman with girlfriends. You pay.

In this instance I have paid/treated my friends. I make it a personal rule that if I venture out to the cinema on a family outing or dinner my parents NEVER pay, and I always do the asking. If we go out on a girly outing, we pick a date which works for us all financially as we don't assume everybody has money for extras at that particular time in the month. If you ask a woman out you have the means, and she's expecting you have the means because before you approached her. Dinner was not in her diary as an extra expenditure and it's obviously in yours to be asking. Don't ask a sista out if you're broke and expect her to pay half or in full when you decided you wanted to wine and dine a sista, as this makes it seem like all you have in mind is the hope of a 69 thing going on, and that the wine and dine part is not all that important to you.
Let's be real now, I have been in relationships and I have paid when I HAVE SUGGESTED OR ASKED MY MAN AT THE TIME if he fancies eating out/going somewhere tonight. For me to say "Baby let's go to so and so" then sit there at the end of the meal expecting him to dig around in his pockets and pay is a no no. If you don't want to pay then please DO NOT ASK. It's as simple as that. To do so implies that you are aware of that other's persons financial situation. They maybe a little short this month or can't afford your new found taste for eating in restaurants in luxury hotels. The thought to do this screams nothing more than disrespectful and rude.

Men do a majority but NOT ALL of the asking out. There are some women bold enough to step to a brotha she likes and do the first date lead talking. It's rare but it happens. If sista girl asks brotha man out and he accepts, then by all means...sista you better whip out that Visa card. It's not my thing to ask a man out, but hey do you!

Let me ask you something? How in the hell are you going to step to me, exchange numbers, ask me out, pick a spot then pay for all of the things you ate and expect me to pay for the rest? There will be no date #2 after that. No sir! You're not out to impress. There is no woo factor. It's very un-gentleman like.

Here's a tip: Any woman that doesn't mind paying on date #1 after YOU ask her out BEWARE. This is the woman you'll never be able to get rid of, or have trouble breaking it off easily and gently with. She'll put up with anything. She's easy, a pushover, and impressing her will cost £0.00. She'll do anything to get and keep a man even if it means paying when HE asked HER out. May seem great to you at first, do anything in the bedroom. Just to please. Will pay for anything. Just to please. You'll stand her up, she'll get mad then forgive you. Just to please. She may even pay the hotel and airfare for a romantic getaway. Just to please. But come date #3 she's talking all kinds of marriage and babies and gets a little extra and obsessive that you cannot get rid of this overly attached, compulsive and very needy woman. Don't say I didn't warn you.

It seems men only want to flaunt their money to impress a woman, but only when they are spending on themselves.

"Look at my ride."
"Look at my rims."
"Look at my house."
"Look at my suits and fancy clothes."
"Look bitch you're paying for what you ate, and I'm paying for mine. We'll split the tax and the tip though…JUST to be fair!"

I EXPECT a man to pay when a mans ASKS ME OUT. I DO NOT expect him to pay all the time because at some point there will be instances where I may want to put my hand in my pocket or situations where we will split it 50/50. Out at the movies one pays for the tickets the other the popcorn and snacks, you get to a point where it's not always an issue or a second thought.

I've dated black British and I've dated black Americans and so have my friends. And the winners are...

Sorry Brit brothas but American men [not all, but A LOT from what I encounter] are on another level ENTIRELY!

Buying something as simple as a drink in a bar is nothing to them. NOTHING! And they don't expect anything from it either. I find this is a struggle for a lot of British brothas, myself and my friends really do, we don't moan about it because after this long we know what to expect. In the UK no attention. Go to the US too much attention.

A hoard of us went to Dallas in May of this year for my friends wedding and we all said the same thing "What is up with these men over here? You don't even have to open up your mouth for them to know you're British and the attention is over whelming." And whether romantically interested or not, I've kept in touch with a couple of them. It seems after the same encounter with a brotha over here if they don't get what they want they aren't interested in getting to you know you on the friendship level at all. What happened to kicking it as friends even if you don't get that date you hoped for? Nothing wrong with the occasional meet-up or e-mail every now and then and who knows, it still may lead to something down the line.

"It's sad you have to fly 5,000 miles just to be appreciated."That's what I said and it's true. We're not teenagers, we are grown women and can see that the distinct contrast in the initial first approach rapport between the US and UK men is astounding. Typical experience in a bar would be.

US Men "Hey how are you? My name is ______. And you are? Nice to meet you _____. So what are you having?"
UK Men "Yeah yeah what you sayin? So what, can a bruvva get your number or what?"

Trying to convince a US brotha "it's OK, tonight it's on me" is like going at it with Mike Tyson in the ring. I remember my friend [a Brit married to a Texan] said letting him pay was something that took a lot of getting used to because she never really had to do it on that level before. I guess as far as Mr Texas was concerned she was his Queen and he was going to treat her as such. He got her, she let him and they are happily married. I love it!!!

It seems that men want to be the breadwinners. Take care of the family brood. Earn the most money and take care of his, but want to moan about paying for dinner/date and the first one at that? If I'm going to date you, I'm not expecting the earth. In fact it doesn't even have to be expensive YOU HEARD OF A PICNIC BRUH? Or an afternoon/interactive date like bowling, a museum, art gallery or ice skating [so when she falls you can catch her *wink wink*] just showing that you made the effort for a woman is enough.
If paying for dinner/cinema is a stretch for you [especially after you asking me out] then I'm sorry no more dates for me. Men woo the women, not the other way around. You see what you like, you ask, we accept, you woo, we respond in kind. Men are the hunters and the chasers by nature. Know your role and play it. Don't switch when money is involved and trying to get all 'equality and 'feminist like' talking about women in 2008 should be such and such…Oh really? So you won't have a problem with me earning more than you then? Be careful what cards you play fellas! Especially when it comes to the roles you think women should be adapting in the 21st century.

Back on topic: When it's a more relaxed and 'serious' situation then little by little the tables will turn. I'm not an ungrateful or unappreciative woman, I can pay and I can buy gifts and have no problem in doing so.

So in response to John Boy's comment and to the many other men that feel the same way:
*If you do all of the asking out and it's bothering you to pay, then stop asking women out, wait until they ask you. You'll be waiting a long time though.

*If you do that much asking out and a lot of paying on first dates, expect to. If YOU asked HER out.

*You can save yourself some money AND time, and tell her straight up when you ask her out that you'll be going Dutch. After that the chances are you'll not pay a penny because she'll end up declining the date.

*If she doesn't mind going Dutch or even paying in full then heed my warning above.

*Don't be surprised on the first date after ASKING HER out that she gets vex when she has to reach in her pocket. To all of her friends you're just another cheap n*****. You still may get laid as a result regardless because there are some women out there who are just like that.

*If you still don't get the 'frustration' from women about being asked out then expecting to pay after this then…….there's nothing more myself or anybody can actually say on this topic.

*If money is a problem, get her details and GET TO KNOW HER before payday, then suggest a date later on. By then you may decide she not dating material and strictly a new name for the friends category in your phone book or somebody who you'll have no problem shelling out on a meal for, because she seems worth it.

In the world of love and dating…a lot of Divalicious good luck to one and all.

"How Much Money Do You Make? What Car Do You Drive?"

Let me just start off this blog by letting out a big fat SIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!

I just asked my 3 male co-workers who are 30, 34 and 44 years old whether in their personal experiences of dating women have they ever been asked that question? They all said no. One stipulated he would actually be offended if he were asked that in an initial meeting of a woman. And quite rightly so.

Whenever I have ventured overseas to the US and spoken to guys, I usually hear at some point from pretty much every single one of them that they have been, or are continually asked that question. "How Much Money Do You Make?" or "What Car Do You Drive?"

Is this an American thing? As I don't find it that common or widespread in the UK.

I don't know of any woman in my family or social circle that feels the need to ask this question or even use it as a basis to determine whether somebody is worthy of dating or even speaking to.

OK, so everybody has standards, there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of us in our right minds aren't going to date a guy who's idea of a job is "a little of this and that" or "right now I'm pursuing other options" which is code for VOLUNTARILY unemployed, with no hope or desire in looking for work. But in the same breath I don't see how much a guy has or even what car he drives has anything to do with me or you for that matter, especially if I have my own shit together.

Do some women in the US really have a monetary limit on how much a guy earns as to whether she'd actually date him or not? Does it go something like "men earning under $60,000 need not apply?" What about the car? What's deemed as acceptable before he's worthy of dating and what is not?

Listen, when it comes to the car I'm not driving his. I'll either have my own or I'm getting around the same way I usually do via public transport. I don't own a car in London because I don't need to and it's also quite expensive as I'd only be driving it on the weekends. But I'm not about to date a guy specifically who have a vehicle for the sake of it. I don't even think Mrs H's husband had a licence when they first met. She would have passed up a great man if owning a car was on her list of specifications. And I would have slapped her.

What if a man earns $35,000 has a decent enough 2007 or 2008 model car but is $25,000 below your threshold. Does he get a pass? Does his personality, manners, respect, count for anything or is it not even considered if the salary just isn't right?

On the message board that I frequent which is geared to toward black women I've read some of the craziest things when it comes to parameters for dating men. One woman stated she would never date a man that didn't even own a car. Well good for her that she doesn't live in London because her black ass would be single for a very long time. It is not uncommon for men over here to not have a car, or have a drivers licence and no car. As long as they are smart, decent, respectful and are interesting in an initial meeting, that's all I care about.

If one of my girlfriend's met a man and we do the whole girly chit chat thing over the phone, how much he earns and what he drives has never come up before in conversation. Maybe it's because we were raised and not drug up. Our parents taught us to be financially independent, taking care of yourself and relying on the assets of another man is extremely alien to us. I think it takes some real balls to ask a man impertinent questions like that, and these are the same women who get offended when they are called or labelled a gold digger.

The way a man treats us and not what he can offer us in material possessions should be paramount. In this economic climate which may or may not at some point mirror the 1929 Great Depression, if you dated or married a man who had a decent level of wealth and then suddenly lost it all, the chances of you sticking around are pretty much nil, based on the very things that initially attracted him to you in the first place. I'm not saying that women have to marry dirt poor broke men in order to have a fulfilling relationship or anything like that, but sticking ridiculous parameters on how much a man earns is crazy to my ears.

For women like that, it's all about the bragging factor. You want to be able to showboat to your friends about his big house and fancy car, the restaurants he may take you or the gifts he occasionally surprises you with. Whoop-di-frickin-doo!! What's going on with your game that you cannot give yourself the big house, fancy car and the rest? Wouldn't you rather brag about your own creature comforts than that of a man? That's your man's stuff, not yours!

Then there's that whole other factor that if you're a professional woman getting with a construction worker just wouldn't work, and that a professional man is always better suited. Says who? If you click, you click. Professional men seem have no problem in dating strippers or waitresses. In the real world my longest relationship lasted whilst my ex was in college and university. Whilst I was working for Citigroup and Merrill Lynch, he had a bus pass and definitely no car in sight. If his status was a problem for me then that was my problem and vice versa. Luckily he was man enough to not let the fact he had student loans and I had a regular salary living in a 3 bedroom house be a problem. Of course over the 8 or so years it got a little frustrating but it was a minor factor if the relationship was strong enough. If you're mature enough to make it work, then it can and it will. In the fictional sense I remember on Showtime's Soul Food, Terri the successful Labor Lawyer dated Damon who was the delivery guy. Realistically her status caused problems for him and his male ego, but they worked through it. Tough, but not impossible.

Sometimes having a guy with money doesn't necessarily equal an easy life or an easy relationship. I have a general rule that I stick to when it comes to men and money, that as long as he can support himself via legal and honest means and he ticks all the right boxes in other areas particular to what I'm looking for in a man, then it's OK with me. The minute you start to get all technical with it you, you end up making a lot of wrong decisions. Just by being open and receptive to a nice guy who doesn't want to leech off you should be enough. If you close the doors on the ones that don't necessarily earn as much as you'd like, you could potentially be throwing away the best thing that could ever happen to you without you even realising it in the first place.