Let's Talk About Sex...

They knew exactly what they were thinking when they chose that paddle!

...err how about we don't.

I am far from being a prude, trust me on that one, but it seems like in this day and age it's the 'fashion' to talk about your sex life on Twitter/Facebook or any other place where people [may] pay attention to you.

I've spoken with friends about these 'Twitter antics', I've also tweeted the odd @ reply or DM [Direct Message] to other people on Twitter about the same said thing and not a lot of people are impressed by it or the usernames who feel the need to constantly chat about it.

If it's not that, it's people on BBM [Blackberry Messenger] posting sexual picture after sexual picture, or telling us in their status they want, are about to, or have just had some [sex]. 

I mean WHAT THE F*** IS THIS SERIOUSLY? 

I equate this to one of the highest forms of attention seeking f**kery. Well you got my attention, I find you pathetic! 

Moving on...

Some people are on a tip that they feel the more they talk about sex, or seem open about sex that they are some type of liberal sexpert, and anyone that doesn't agree or like what they do is a prude bordering on being a nun. 

It's not about that at all, it's more a case of:

• We don't want to know about your sex life as it's extremely boring to us, and quite frankly we aren't impressed.
• You may be getting some, but we don't believe you're any good at it, based on your incessant bragging.
• Whether some of us are saving it for marriage or having sex outside of marriage, some of us realise the IMPORTANCE of keeping a vast majority of our relationships/unions PRIVATE, and don't see the need for it to be cheapened in 140 characters or less for strangers to know about.
• We respect our partners and don't feel the need to chat our business which is essentially their business too.
• We just don't give a f***!!

Carrie Bradshaw - Sex & The City

As wonderful as Sex & The City was, I think some women got the wrong end of the stick [no pun intended] 6 seasons and 2 movies later and tried to become their very own Samantha Jones, or chat their arses off like Carrie and use Twitter and Facebook as their very own sex column. It doesn't work ladies. Running your mouth doesn't equate to being sexually liberated. We CHOSE to park our asses in front of the TV for 22 minute episodes, and paid to see the movies voluntarily. When I sit down in the morning and go through my timeline, I don't want to get visuals of your boney arse bonking your boyfriend, talking about how sore you are, or making references to semen whilst eating my bagel.

Sex is intimate. Save that intimate part of your relationship for your damn selves and don't be so quick to pick up your phone and tweet that element of it to a 657 strangers. We're not impressed, we actually think you have little to no shame to be quite honest. Even the ones probably egging you on to continue talking about it think the same and just wanna be 'all up in your business'. And speaking of being 'all up in your business', if you're going to be sharing those intimate parts of your relationship with strangers, please don't get mad if people ever ask you questions pertaining to your relationship. After talking about your sex life, are you really in a position to be demanding respect for your privacy?

I think not!

Attention Seeking: Karma & The Bitch

The attention seeking is astounding. If it's not celebrities on Twitter re-tweeting compliment after compliment from 'fans', people posting 200 new pictures a day from their night out on Facebook, or people just chatting their personal business on social networking sites, the level of attention seeking is becoming way too much.

I use Twitter on a daily basis, and have got back into checking in with Facebook on the regular again too. When my new love (Twitter) came on the scene I abandoned Facebook like a worthless ex-boyfriend. Now we seem able to happily co-exist once again after working out our issues and we are now on an even keel.

There is one person in particular (a female) on Facebook whose mission it seems is to humiliate her boyfriend PUBLICLY. Now as a woman, it doesn't make me 'pro-woman' to everything  that we do. A wrong is a wrong in my eyes, and that's just how I see it whether you're black or white, male or female. In this case this heffer is just dead wrong!

From what I can see, this guy seems really sweet and is trying to communicate with her. In a day and age where there are so many men trying to cover up their public feelings and emotions for their women for fear of looking like pussies, this guy didn't care. He seemed really good for her and her off key psychotic state of mind. Shit, they say there's someone for everybody (I don't believe that), but even nutcases need love too I suppose.

She is ignoring every form of communication with him. She adds a picture, he 'likes' it. Tells her he loves her. She ignores him. Tells her he misses her. She ignores him. She writes a status, he comments, she talks to everyone else BUT him in the comments. Other guys come on there telling her how hot she is, she's arranging meet ups with said dudes on her damn wall. I'm shaking my head like 'nah son this ain't right, and I CAN SEE WHY you (the female) got cheated on in your last relationship if this is how you carried on.

This isn't a one day thing, this has been going on for a weeks. I can't stop watching, as it's become a case of will she acknowledge him coupled with what's gonna happen next? Almost like a reality TV show being played out on Facebook.

Why put all your business out there?

Why play the dude like that?

From my Facebook status today

This guy is allowed to be lovesick, but he's not a pest, and I say that because she has the option to remove AND block him. She doesn't. She's keeping him around on a tight leash to purposely humiliate him and that just isn't right. Are you that starved of attention and affection that you need to treat someone like that, AND do it publicly? I tell you if the roles were reversed and a guy did that to me, I'd screen print his crap as evidence and remove myself from his page and his life to avoid further humiliation. What next, being humiliated in a public place? YOU.CAN.ALWAYS.DO.BETTER!

Men are not the only ones capable of being a bastard in a relationship, and this right here is case in point. I understand that sometimes people need that time to themselves whether it's bullshit on your mind, PMS, other hormonal crap going on that's putting you in bad funk, that you just want to be alone. She's not having one of those days. She's having one of those months!

I have a STRONG feeling that this chick (woman is too powerful of a word to use for her) is going to have a shitty year. And come December 30th and 31st she'll be leaving FB status messages about just how shit the year was and that 2012 is going to be her year. It won't be, unless she severely learns some serious lessons in life, about the way to treat people and actually remove negativity from her entire existence. But saying that, I think she'll always be about the bullshit. One of those women who thinks screaming and shouting is effective in relationships and as long as they are both doing it then the relationship is somewhat functional.

I personally DO NOT CARE if she is reading this. I REALLY DON'T. I actually hope that she or someone like her does and actually acknowledges their bullshit and does something to fix it and not treat people who dedicate their lives in trying to make you happy, like absolute shit! Karma works and is ALWAYS in effect. What you put out, you get back equally unto you in some way. Remember that!

I'm no saint myself, but I tell you this, I'm aware of God, the power of how The Universe works and karma. I sit and think very hard before I do certain things because I know within my heart of hearts it's NOT the right thing to do and do not want the negative repercussions happening to me.

I might just say a prayer for Mr X and put him on my prayer list, cause I'm feeling real sorry for him right about now, and he needs out of that situation. It's not love, it's not respect, and from what I see he seems heartbroken. Cut him loose, let him get over it and find a woman willing to work things out with, rather than hit him over the head Madea style with an emotional skillet. If he's a genuinely good guy, it's women chicks like this who can turn these men into the men that real women don't want....a scorned man. It works both ways with women too. 

"Gettin' Madea wid it!"

Over dinner last night with Mrs H in Satay Bar Brixton, she told me when it comes to love you give that person so much power to hurt you by allowing yourself to be so open and trusting them with all that you have. And that when it comes to loving someone especially within marriage it really is a leap of faith. 

Well his dude needs to act froggish leap his way on out the damn door and go and find someone worthy of his time. 

Time is precious. Life is too short. So find someone worthy of both, your time and your life! ~LondonDiva

Jealousy & The Other 'Woman' In Your Relationship...PORN!

It's been a long time since I've blogged and had many a topic in mind. I just couldn't decide on what exactly. So this afternoon, I decided to ask some of my Twitter followers for topics to blog about, and this is one of them.

“Should partners get jealous when/if the other half watches porn?”

Oh boy!

**Exhales**

OK, I will personally answer this one for myself before excluding myself and answering generally.

Note: this isn't my situation, just my thought and feeling behind it.

I wouldn't be down with it in my relationship or future marriage. I believe that due to knowing myself very well, it would turn into a very serious problem down the line between the two of us BECAUSE OF WHO I AM. I know me. I am VERY sensitive, I get upset easily when it comes to feeling hurt by people that I care about, and if I feel my feelings are being shat on then that would not make a happy home at all.

As a woman, if my husband was getting off on watching big breasted, big booty women having sex with other people, then that is not going to give me a good feeling about myself, our relationship or do anything to raise my self esteem. I don't care what size she is to be frank, I’d be left wondering continually, "what is it that he sees in her and not me?" amongst other things. Yes women can get jealous and be left feeling insecure, and I'm sure men would too if we [women] were left on our own or together salivating over another man's appendage and getting off on it.

I would feel insecure, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Why should I? That's just how I would feel. I'm a human being, not Super Woman. No matter what straight talking things you read written by me on here, that's just one facet of many that I possess. If your man is turned on by looking at a certain type of woman, then naturally you are going to question the differences that you have, whether it's between a woman on the street or in porn. If a woman catches his attention, his attention is being caught because he likes what he sees, and at that time it's not you! And yes we have heard the bullsh** about men being visual creatures...well what do you think we women are? The walking dead?

There are a ton of women that feel this way but keep quiet let their men do it and say nothing, because they (a) don’t want to admit possible insecurity (b) let him do it because they say and think ‘it’s a typical man thing.’ I believe if it bothers you and he knows this, it should be a 'respect thing.'

Is logging onto a porn website that important to him that he can’t consider how bad that may possibly make his woman feel? (If she has a problem with it). Isn't it part of his job and duty as a man to make his woman feel totally loved and secure? It's not all about how much he can bring home, and throw down in the bedroom. Emotional support is paramount to a relationship with both parties. If it is that important to some men, then what they REALLY love would need to be questioned. Is it the 10 minute thrill or the emotional concern of your partner who is probably dedicating their life to you that's more important? Some things [when it comes to love and relationships] need to be sacrificed, and if you went through your single years jacking off to porn, then good for you, but this may not have any place in a long-term relationship or union and may need to be discussed in relationships.

I feel it is an important subject which can lead to a lot of hurt, disrespect and insecurity along the the line if it is not handled sensitively. I personally would not be going into a marriage without bringing these issues up beforehand. I’m a firm believer in being verbally open to discuss these things and EVERYTHING. [Notice I said discuss and not argue.] When it comes to any sensitive topic, especially where one party is not happy about something, a delicate approach, empathy, understanding and communication is key.

I will never tell a man what he can and can’t do. If he wants to watch it KNOWING how I’d feel about it then fine. I will do what I need to do in response to him doing whatever he’s doing, as for every action there is a reaction. It’s that simple. I just know for me that it’s a big deal and will choose not to be with that person. I couldn't. At that point it won’t be about the porn, but the lack of regard for my feelings which I cannot accept nor tolerate. I will find a man who puts me before porn and leave him to satisfy himself continually on a daily basis spreading his seed all over his keyboard. Let him cuddle up to his laptop at night. It won't cook, it won't clean, it won't rub your back and comfort you when you've had a bad day.

I remember a lady who used to be on a forum I frequented in the past. A naturally long haired, beautiful, black woman. I remember looking through her online photo albums she posted links to where she was always loved up with her fiance. A while later I checked back and saw she had since married and had a baby girl. I said “oh you guys finally got married. How sweet.” She told me she found out he had an addiction to porn, broke it off, found someone new and got married. [Now I don't know if she used the word 'addiction' loosely or not. Some women would find one magazine and scream ADDICTION.] The ring she had was from her new man [husband], as was the child. She said she couldn’t have a man like that in her life and got rid of him. My eyes were open wide in shock because this woman WAS IN LOVE with that man! I commend her for knowing her own self worth and moving on to something better for her. It lucked out for her it seems, and sister girl didn’t wait too long for it either. For her it was damaging and something she wasn’t going to put up with in her life. That was her right, as it was her man’s right to watch porn. We all have rights to do certain things in life. He chose to watch. She chose to leave. If she voiced her disdain for it and he chose to ignore her, then the consequences ensue. If it was something she was into then it would have been a satisfying relationship for them both, but it wasn’t.

FACT:

Not ALL men indulge in watching porn.

Some women enjoy porn just as much as men.

The couple that watch porn together:

Jealousy won’t be a problem, and it will probably work out for them in their relationship. There are some that see it as nothing harmful. They’ll watch it alone, together, in the house, out of the house, wherever and whenever.

I don’t know if couples like this will function forever, will there come a time when one party wants out and becomes bored by it? Who knows?

The couple where neither party watches porn:

Either it’s just not for them or it’s down to religious beliefs. For them they'll probably be the type of couple where regard for each others feelings are important. They do what they can to ensure they are happy and make one another happy without the use or need for porn in each others lives.

The absence of porn won’t play a part in any jealousy so I guess they’ll be fine in that regard. This may also be the type of couple who are so into each other that they don't need porn to 'spice things up' and do quite well spicing things up in other ways between them in the bedroom.

The couple where one party watches porn, and the other doesn’t:

You’ll have two types here: One where the other party doesn’t mind, and one where they will mind.

Miss/Mr "I Don't Mind"

The sex life maybe bordering on boring between them. For some, the porn may be a godsend especially where the idea of sex with their partner now bores or sickens them. Some people just don’t want sex with their partner anymore and see porn as a means for them to get off without them. These types unfortunately are probably more than likely in a loveless relationship/marriage.

There may also be the "I Don't Mind" type that are cool and think nothing of their partner watching porn without them. Water off a ducks back for them I suppose.

Miss/Mr "I Do Mind"

This may be the kind of person I described myself to be in the first part of this post. It could be for many reasons including it makes them feel less worthy. They feel it's an abomination due to religious beliefs. They may feel like they are being cheated on. The idea of their partner lusting over someone else and watching them have sex just doesn't make them feel good, period! It may lead to a serious porn addiction and them acting out sexually outside of their marriage, always looking for that bigger sexual buzz. Plus many other reasons that I can't think of to list right now.

So to answer the question, should a partner get jealous if their partner watches porn? If they want to be/are jealous, then they have every right to be jealous. You cannot control or tell someone how to feel. An emotional reaction to anything, happens for a reason. It's not right to tell someone to get over it or that they're acting jealous over foolishness. That's not the way to handle the situation. Do you think people like being jealous when it involves someone that they love? Of course not! They don't want to be jealous anymore than you not wanting them to be [well some people do actually, but those aren't people you may necessarily want to be with.]

It's down to you to get to the bottom of what's making your partner jealous, and it's also down to your partner to communicate said feelings to you. Find out why it upsets your partner and come to an understanding of how to make things better between the two of you to eradicate that feeling within them. If it's a serious problem bordering on addiction then counselling would need to be sought. Brushing it off and continuing to do what upsets them will only make matters worse in the long run.

Just because porn is mainstream, there is less taboo about it and it is easily accessible, it doesn't mean that every person has the same views about it, especially in a relationship. Chances are that there are many couples who have/do view porn and it maybe wise to find out what place it has in your relationship, if any at all.

OK, So We’re Family, But Are We Really 'Family'…?

I am family oriented, but only family orientated to those that play their role within the family. I’m not one of these people that feel the need to respect you or take sh** from you just because we share the same blood line. You know some people have really 'out of order' family members who let their behaviour slide because they don't want to disrespect them? Yeah, that's NOT me. My family members aren't like that...but if they were...

So here's the story in a nutshell [written in the third person]:

LondonDiva is organising a liccle gathering.

LondonDiva is pretty much paying for this/organising this out of her own pocket and the goodness of her heart. I do that sometimes...ya know.

LondonDiva does the rounds and makes the calls to invite the necessary people i.e. friends and family.

One family member takes it upon themselves to ask me am I inviting ‘family member X’

LondonDiva pauses and says “err I don’t have their phone number’

NOTE!

**That wasn’t said for me to REQUEST their phone number in order to invite them, but me saying in not so many words “if I don’t have their phone number, why would I invite them?”**

Family member proceeds to tell me they will text me their number after harping on how nice it will be with them there, and totally missing the point.

LondonDiva thinks "is it really now? I don't think so! I’m not ringing the number to invite anyone, anywhere, anyway.”

LondonDiva leaves it at that.

A few days pass and LondonDiva gets the text

**IGNORE! Dashes BlackBerry down on the desk and continues working [aka surfing the Innernets]**

LondonDiva ain’t dialling no number. What do you think this is?

Come the weekend LondonDiva gets a call from the family member who told me that they “think they may have put their foot in it” and told ‘family member X’ about the gathering, by asking them had LondonDiva called to invite them?

"Excuuuuuuse You???"

*Exits ‘in the third person’ mode*

I did not kiss my teeth, or get vex because I KNEW this would happen, and in a way I wanted it to.

I told them I hadn’t, but wasn’t phased about them now knowing. Nothing had changed, I wasn’t going to invite them, nor pick up the phone, and for what? I had to explain myself [something that I don't like doing] and made it clear "if your number isn't in my phone and you're not checking me for me....laters!"

LOOK!!!

If your name/number isn’t in my BlackBerry chances are you aren’t going to be invited anywhere.

If the last time you came to my house was 6 years ago and I’ve never been to yours chances are you aren’t going to be invited anywhere.

If we see each other once a year due to the birthday party of another family member, and that’s where the interaction begins and ends, chances are you aren’t going to be invited anywhere.

You had a family gathering, and neither myself nor my immediate family were invited so please, where are you going coming up in the one I'm reaching in my pocket for?

Granted, I actually have no problem with 'family member X' in this scenario, it's with the one who tried to force the issue of inviting them upon me.

We are family by bloodline, not by interaction or association. It’s not that I dislike this family member or that I don’t get on with them, in fact it's quite the opposite. They're cool, they're nice, we get on when we rarely see one another and that's about it. We just aren’t in each other’s lives. We don’t speak, we don’t go raving, we aren’t on the phone in each others business lending an ear in times of need or trouble. We don't drop each other the occasional e-mail or text, and I don't even know the exact date of their birthday. I don't know the date of their children's birthdays and when the second child was nestling snugly in the womb I heard about it through another family member, so you get the picture folks. It’s just not like that, so no I won’t be spending any of my money on them. That’s just how it goes. No apologies, no explanations, nothing, and if I’m forced to explain to them LondonDiva style, then I will. I'm not bloody soft, and nobody can make me do something I don't want to do.

FACT: I have friends who should be family members and family members who should be acquaintances. The friends who I have invited are people who take the time out to check up on me, drop me an e-mail, text, phone call, listening to me ranting and raving when I have had a bad day, join me for lunches, dinners, help me out with favours. These are the same friends who I would do the exact same thing for and will, with no effort at the drop of a hat. I don't think twice about inviting them anywhere because they play a role in my life and don't even have to for no other reason than wanting to. It's called an effort. Born of different parents ,but choose to act like family in some way, shape or form.

I felt slight insulted to be honest about the request to invite 'family member X' because if my family member knew the calibre of friends I really had, that it would be a NO BRAINER in why I chose who I chose over someone who shares the same last name as me.

End of...

What Would You Do If...? Friends With Benefits [Scenario]

It's been a little while since you've got a blog out of me, but today that's about to change.....err simply because I'm blogging today.

First things first...unless you want sh*t to come back to haunt you, don't tell your business on the world wide web aka innernets...YES I said innernets. The reason I say that is because, I'm using this scenario which was told to me through a third party and posted on the net. If it's about you and you're reading this, *BIG OL Kanye shrug* not my problem sweetie.

Scenario: (now this could be for a man or a woman, so here goes....)

You have a FWB ('Friend With Benefits' - someone who you have a sexual relationship with sans strings/ties/emotions/commitment) and they no longer have sex with you anymore, but only have you give them head....should you say something?

After a Jamaican roll of the eyes, a kiss teeth and a deep sigh here goes...

NO THE HELL YOU SHOULD NOT SAY A DAMN THING!

That is not your man/woman, that is simply your friend or an acquaintance that you have a sexual relationship with whenever the mood takes you both, or have it scheduled in your phone calendars. The dynamics/problems/concerns with your sex life are only to be discussed with someone who gives you more of their time in a non-physical capacity, and actually acknowledges you as their other half BOTH privately and publicly. The only thing you should be discussing is safe sex and sexual health testing.

Women especially never fair well when it comes to these FWB situations. Why? Women are emotional creatures, and as much as they start out with a male mentality when becoming a FWB, pretty soon they are going to want to spend time with more than just the dick itself and emotions will start to get in the way. The minute a woman starts staying over longer than she should, making plans outside of the sexual arena of the bedroom, thinking about how his last name will sound with hers, getting jealous, anxious or concerned about other women, wanting to know who just called his phone and why is when she should start to realise there maybe more going on with her with regard to her feelings for this man.

Simply put, when you are a friend with a benefit, that's exactly what you are. The only purpose you serve to that person is one of a sexual nature and nothing more. You are a time filler until something fulfilling comes around for them, and a body which they use for their own personal sexual gratification. People need to stop getting it into their heads (the one that rests on their neck) that the power they 'think' they possess with their nether regions is going to somehow snag and keep that person interested for a lifetime. It won't.

Any man that wants to be with you, will be with you for MORE than what he thinks he can get from you on the physical level of things alone. To him the sex will be a bonus, NOT the only deciding factor. To the ladies, your stuff ain't that great, it really isn't. It takes more than your vagina and labia to keep a man hooked and interested, and if you think that's all it takes then you haven't/aren't dealing with real men. Give them (the real men) some credit please! Real men are enticed and excited about a woman's mind, heart, body soul...EVERYTHING. If a man only talks about how you can benefit him physically, then just let it be known, he has shown you who he truly is....believe him. Don't get mad that a man starts off having a sexual relationship with you, doesn't put a label on what you are to him, has told you that it's just about the sex, be grateful you know you're dealing with someone who is honest and isn't stringing you along. 

If you are/have been in that scenario then the person you really should be mad at is yourself for sticking around when the signs are blatantly there. You want a man to be exclusive to you, be committed to you, be more than just about the sex to you, but you're dealing with a man who's just all about the sex??? Sista girl get mad AT YOU, because you're cock blocking your own damn self from the worthy man of your dreams dealing with a dude who won't ever commit to you, in the hopes that he will. There are plenty of men out there who want the commitment, the love, the romance, the relationship, who are willing to show you off to the world and not keep you permanently placed on your back or on your knees, and these men will do it without confusing your ass in the process.

So no you don't have a right to get all uppity if he decides he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and keeps it strictly on a giving head basis. You've allowed that to happen by limiting yourself to unfulfilling sex, so that's what you get...unfulfilling sex. Getting head for him is all about him and your accommodating his ass like a damn fool, then having the nerve to be mad or upset about it. You don't! One other thing you don't have to the right to be mad at...him having sex with other women. You aren't exclusive in a FWB situation, there is no premium FWB status, the only thing you can ask him to do and be is safe in regards to the sex itself. She has no claim on that man and he has no claim on that woman, what you have stands for nothing more than foreplay, sex, orgasms. That's where it begins and ends.

There are no emotions here, it's strictly physical, so if you decide to 'talk it out' with him, don't expect much as he doesn't even have to consider you or your feelings as this kind of relationship is a selfish one about pleasing the needs of yourselves. If he's not having to screw you anymore but gets head out of the deal then he's winning in the selfish scheme of things, and you my dear yet again have allowed yourself to be played in a game where you think you have rights to add rules to it. If  this scenario was in a relationship/marriage then yes, you definitely have a problem because you're in a valid partnership with that person where love, respect, feelings, emotions and consideration are present. If you're just another number in their phone, notch on their belt, name in their black book don't expect first class treatment when your ass paid for economy.

Some of you really need to check yourselves and who you mess with before you get mad when it comes to messing with men or women. A lot of these idiotic scenarios can be avoided if you remember what you signed up for and know what you're entitled to when delving into these situations. Especially when the status was laid out for you loud n clear in the beginning. 

If they use phrases like:

"I'm not really looking for anything serious right now."

"I just got out of a relationship."

"Why do we have to put a label on it, it only complicates things."

"We just f*cking."

"I thought we were having fun?"

"It's not black, it's not white, it's a grey area."

"You ain't got to go home, but you got to get the hell up outta here."

....chances are you maybe in a FWB situation. If you don't know, now you know.

*EXCLUSIVE* REAL SCOOP ON CHILD #3 SWIZZ BEATZ FATHERED WHILST WITH ALCIA KEYS!

This morning I received an e-mail from the friend of Jahna Sebastian. For all of those who do not know who Jahna Sebastian is, she is the mother of Swizz Beatz 3rd child who is pretty much unknown and accounted for amidst all of the Mashonda, Swizz and Alicia Keys ‘drama’. Swizz Beatz has THREE children and another on the way via the womb rental of Ms Keys. This will make Swizz soon to be a father of FOUR children to FOUR different women. Alicia Keys will be number 4.

It’s about time this beautiful baby girl, Nicole is KNOWN to the world and acknowledged.

Like any good friend, the sender [who shall remain nameless] sent me the following e-mail setting the story straight on how Swizz met Jahna. The pregnancy, the paternity test, and ON-GOING court drama around supporting his child.

Questions we want to know that finally get answered:

• Did Jahna KNOWINGLY get with a married man?
• Was Alicia Keys present during the paternity test?
• Does Swizz Beatz have a relationship with his daughter and financially support her?

I have been given FULL permission to post this e-mail for from both the sender and Jahna Sebastian. I haven’t done the blog rounds and seen if the sender has sent this to other blogs, so as of now you’re reading it here first, directly and exclusively on www.iamlondondiva.com I have no reason to claim an ‘Exclusive’ if it’s from another source, I’ll state it’s from another source. This came directly to me today.

I’ve left it complete. No edits. Any spelling or grammatical errors have remained in place. 

Read my first exclusive to find out:

From: [e-mail address removed]

Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2010 10:39:39 +0100

To: iamlondondiva@gmail.com

Subject: Swizz Beatz is not paying child support to his daughter in London and Alicia going along with it

Hey London Diva,

I am close friend of Jahna Sebastian, the mother of Swizz Beatz's daughter. It's ridiculous how celebrities turn out to be the opposite to what they portray to the public.

Swizz Beatz might be busy getting ready for marriage and new baby with Alicia Keys, but he stopped paying child support to his only daughter with producer/singer Jahna Sebastian who resides in London. Paternity has been established via DNA test taken in August 2009 and Alicia Keys was present. Jahna has maintained independent parental responsibility for two years trying to reach Swizz Beatz personally but received no response. She then sought attorney’s help and filed petition in July 2009. Swizz first time paid child support in September 2009 starting with $1500. Many people in UK and Russia already know about their two-year old daughter and it seems strange that he still would not publicly acknowledge her. Alicia seems to go along with it too. In May Swizz did not attend his daughter’s birthday although he promised to through a Birthday Party.

Two days later he was in London visiting his fiancé who announced her pregnancy on 27th May when the same day he visited his daughter for three hours. During the past year Jahna Sebastian and Swizz Beatz have been in and out of court but Swizz did not provide required information. They are going back into the court again very soon as Swizz is not behaving himself as a responsible father.

24-year old Jahna Sebastian is a respected producer and engineer as well as a singer, who graduated from Russian Academy of Music at the age of only 20 and is known in the community as a very independent young woman.

More details:

Jahna Sebastian met Kasseem Dean, better known as Swizz Beatz, in August 2007 in London, UK, at the Ministry of Sound nightclub, after being introduced by his manager.

At this stage, Jahna Sebastian wasn’t a fan who had been aware of his career.

During Swizz Beatz’s subsequent performance at the venue, he invited Jahna Sebastian onto the stage to perform with him, which she did.

After this initial meeting, a short relationship followed during which Swizz Beatz failed to inform Jahna Sebastian that he was married and gave an impression that was at liberty to pursue such a course of action.

Upon his return to the US, Jahna Sebastian became aware that Swizz Beatz was married and broke off any interest in him, which wasn’t hard as they had no contact at this time.

Jahna Sebastian found out she was pregnant with Swizz Beatz’s child about six weeks later and there was no thought of having pregnancy terminated, on principle.

Jahna Sebastian was aware of the implications and possible effect on Swizz Beatz’s marriage, so when six to seven weeks pregnant, she initially privately made him aware of her pregnancy via e-mail, with the intention of seeking advice on how to deal with the situation, but received no response.

When three months pregnant, Jahna Sebastian was detained in Yarl’s Wood Detention Centre and subjected to Fast Track political asylum assessment protocol, an exercise eventually found to contain material error in law in the way her asylum application had been processed, a fact that led to her release, two months later.

Swizz Beatz’s name had been referenced as the father of their then unborn child, during interviews with the UK Home Office, at the time when Jahna Sebastian was initially detained.

Jahna Sebastian attempted to make Swizz Beatz aware of her predicament of being pregnant with his child and being detained, by writing him a letter from Yarl’s Wood Detention Centre outlining these facts, without response.

After her eventual release from detention centre and having given birth to their daughter Nicole, who was born in May 2008, Jahna Sebastian sent another letter to Swizz Beatz’s address to inform him of her birth, once again without response.

In spite of ensuing extreme difficulties, not least financial, as she was legally restricted from seeking employment as she fought a legal battle to clear her name, while providing for and raising their daughter, Jahna Sebastian sought no financial or moral support from Swizz Beatz for two years.

In July 2009, Jahna Sebastian instructed a US – based lawyer to contact Swizz Beatz’s legal representative with a view to establishing his parental responsibility.

Following this, Swizz Beatz promptly re-established direct communication, which was the first time he had done so since he had left the UK, after their first meeting in 2007.

In August 2009 Swizz Beatz came to the UK to establish paternity via a DNA test which proved that he was the father of his now almost two year old daughter. His girlfriend Alicia Keys was also present.

In the interim since giving birth, Jahna Sebastian had sold her previously owned apartment in the UK to buy a larger property, more appropriate for housing herself and her daughter, all without any assistance, financial or otherwise, from Swizz Beatz.

Swizz Beatz and his fiance; Alicia Keys have both subsequently visited Jahna Sebastian and her daughter in the UK.

In October 2009 Swizz Beatz was ordered to pay temporary child support, while given time to provide financial documents for a conclusive settlement figure and structure of child support, but due to adjournments for various reasons given, the case is still ongoing.

Swizz Beatz has not provided the required signature for his two-year old daughter’s birth certificate, to date.

It is also worth noting that Jahna Sebastian has three separate strands of employment as a freelance music producer, and engineer and an actress in films and commercials.

Truth be heard

[name removed at senders request]

First of all, let me say thank you to Jahna’s friend for e-mailing me this story and for allowing me to share it with my readers. I am all about the truth being heard and commend you for speaking up on behalf of your friend. Please continue to have her back through all of this.

Jahna I wish you the absolute best with raising Nicole, your career, and your legal battles in getting this matter settled once and for all.

I’m glad facts such as Jahna not knowing he was married and that she broke it off when she found out came to light. As well as not acknowledging his marriage, he didn’t even choose to acknowledge Alicia. And Alicia is sticking with him?

I wonder what story he spun Alicia to make her stick around, engage her and get her pregnant?

So Alicia and Swizz have been together for 3 years? Was this the same dude she sung ‘No One’ about? See everyone talks about ‘Karma’ but this one is a good’un when you check the lyrics. Released in 2007, I’d say it’s more about Swizz than her ex Krucial Keys considering she’s been with him for 3 years and some months.

I just want you close

Where you can stay forever

You could be sure

That it will only get better

Really Alicia?? Get better how?? All this sh** right here…a comedic soap opera of a sham relationship.

You and me together

Through the days and nights

I don't worry 'cause

Everything's gonna be alright

This chick is beyond delusional. Who is her crack dealer?

People keep talking

They could say what they like

But all I know is

Everything's gonna be alright

It won’t! And oh…you better believe we are talking and blogging till the cows come home. Your marriage will fail and he will cheat again. Why? Because all of the women, yourself included have and are giving him permission to cheat, over and over again. And like you told us “what goes around, comes around. What goes up, must come down.” The only thing getting plenty of up and down is Swizz’s erect penis.

No one, no one, no one

Can get in the way of what I feel for you

Yes you proved that with Mashonda and Jahna. No one is getting in the way of you and your baby daddy with the multiple women and children. Keep on singing that mess trick.

When the rain is pouring down

And my heart is hurting

You will always be around

This I know for certain

Always be around? Knows this for certain? Heffer he already stepped out on your arse once already….THAT WE KNOW ABOUT!

I know some people search the world

To find something like what we have

I know people will try

Try to divide something so real

So 'til the end of time

I'm telling you there is

Alright, let’s stop the FUCKERY RIGHT NOW…Ain’t no one searching for a man with 4 kids by 4 women, who’s cheated on ‘em all, searching for that sh**. The only thing most of us can admit to wanting what you have is your bank account. That’s about it.

I’m guessing I was contacted by Jahna’s friend after my usual LD type rant this week which you can check out here.

Err NO Alicia Keys Did Not!? Plus I Talk About Lauryn & Erykah

Also peep the full VIBE interview where Swizz Beatz ex-wife speaks [yet again]

Mashonda Speaks On Swizz, Alicia, Date Rape & Life After The Drama

The Dream’s Open Letter About His Shenanigans

I know I'm a week late with this...but still, some of you may have not seen it. 

A lot of people on the Internet, websites and bloggers alike called this an apology to Christina. It’s not. Not in my eyes anyway.

In My Own Words:

First I want to thank God for the trials of life, without them we can’t know purpose!

I would love to tell the truth as to why my relationship wasn’t successful, but today that is between me and Christina. Its easy to say that it’s because of another woman or a new relationship but truthfully, IT’S NOT.

I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for misleading everyone into thinking everything was fine and okay when 

we knew problems existed for awhile! I wanted to speak up but we decided it wasn’t for anyone to know. I would NEVER intentionally hurt a soul and everyone around me knows that! There was so much going on in me and Christina’s personal world that I tried to deal with it as delicately as I could and tried to regain my footing. Instead of being direct in order not to cause even more hurt or hurt someone’s feelings, I carried the weight in secret!

I am Human and people fall in and out of Love all the time… This is Life. Nothing’s promised or perfect, neither am I. I am not proud that I lost something we once had…LOVE! I’ve always been a Loving Father, Hard Worker, Generous, Stern and Eager to prove myself. My faults are I can be irresponsible and an ass sometimes, but I HAVE NEVER and WILL NEVER be a malicious person or wish harm to anyone, especially those I love or the mother of my child. I’m sorry for the embarrassment to everyone involved! If there’s anyone to blame and you can’t fathom this happening, please blame me and me alone for not being upfront! Even though we were trying to overcome personal things between us, I was just simply scared and embarrassed to let everyone know we WERE FAILING and HAVE NOW FAILED!

This is not to justify anything, it’s true emotion! It’s a real thing that involves real people! I’ve cried about this for months, after interviews, after prayer and I’ve tried to take my own life at a point because of the failure that was looming.

But I was reminded by my MOTHER that I am not “Superman” and its okay to lose sometimes…

This too shall pass! And everything will be fine!

~ Terius Nash ~

This is a bunch of bullsh**! First off this Care Bear, Ewok looking mutha needs to take his fat a$$ to Christina in PRIVATE and talk things out. 

You see how some people even during trials and tribulations are STILL all about them? Perfect example RIGHT HERE. Egotistical, narcissistic son of a bitch. 

He’s telling US…members of the public about his business. Even when trying to seem sincere, he’s actually doing the opposite.

“I’ve cried about this for months, after interviews, after prayer and I’ve tried to take my own life at a point because of the failure that was looming.”

LIES!!! Don’t you think a suicide attempt would have gotten out. I don’t believe him. He just wants us to feel sorry for him.

Damage control gone wrong in my eyes. No one is believing this crap and how long were they married for to be having such problems? He is writing this letter like they were joined together for 20 years.

Good luck to the next heffer that lets her vagina be penetrated by that soft plush toy looking bastard.

Errr NO Alicia Keys DID NOT!? Plus I Talk About Lauryn & Erykah.

A bunch of pseudo celebs decided to reach out and offer words of support to Christina and baby Violet after pictures surfaced of The Dream gallivanting on a beach in the Caribbean with his P.A.

Peep the tweet from Miss Assistant-Man Teef Alicia Keys herself. I’m still blinking profusely at this one.

You are a superwoman in every way and I dedicate this to all my superwomen. Have a positive outlook and remember "what goes around comes around."

Errr excuse me!!! WHAT???? “What goes around comes around” huh Alicia?

Super Woman?

There is nothing Super or Woman about this chick. I used to think Alica Keys possessed intelligence and really was one of these deep sistas with a message to empower young women through her music. Now I just realise Alicia Keys has no sense, substance or morals and is actually a rather simple piano playing, song churning, pigeon toed, skank, honing in on her acting abilities and fooling us all. 

Y’all can be fooled, but I am NOT!

Alicia who was WITH Swizz Beatz during his marriage to Mashonda, gave ADVICE to Christina Milian??? If I was Christina I’d be insulted. How you gonna assist to teef a man, yet try and console a woman whose husband has been with another woman and still wearing her wedding ring?? Please tell me??

Alicia Keys needs to sit the f*** down. I am so tired of this chick. I don’t care how much Kente cloth she puts on, head wraps she wears, or African ceremonies to bless her gaudy union she attends. I’ve lost ALL respect for her.

This month Mashonda, ex wife of Swizz, gave an interview to Vibe Magazine. If you don’t believe that Alicia was knowingly messing with Swizz at the time, then peep this excerpt here:

If you were generously invited, would you attend their wedding?

No. Not out of malice, but because weddings are sacred. It's just not my place. The only reason I went to his birthday party was because he invited me and I did that for myself. I needed to see them together for it to transfer. And I was like ‘Wow, this is real.’ We were still totally married…We had a divorce that was nowhere near final, but I just needed to see them in action for it to be real to me, and it was definitely real. You have all these different types of steps that you have to set up for yourself until you get to that place where you are free. And I will tell you, after I got divorced maybe three weeks later I woke up and felt a weight removed. It was the first time I’d ever felt mentally free. And I sent him an email wishing him all the best in the world.

Since this Mashonda/Alicia mess surfaced a lot of women chicks with hoe mentalities have been rising to the surface, coming out of their hood rat infested holes all ‘Team Keys’ and telling Mashonda to get over it and move on.

THAT WAS A MARRIED WOMAN! HOW ABOUT YOU MOVE ON TO AN AVAILABLE MAN!

Are you all riding Alicia’s clit THAT HARD that you actually gave her a pass for her behaviour? Let a woman like Ms Key’s do you like she did Mashonda and you’d be telling a different story. Let Ms Keys be the woman that assisted in your father’s trifling behaviour and left your mama high and dry. Would you be telling your mother to just simply get over it, move on, whilst waving a placard in the air supporting the woman that ran off with your pops? 

Another thing people say….well what about Swizz? Everyone is going really hard on Alicia. You want to know the reason why…?? If a man married or otherwise is a cheating dog, then he’s gonna be a cheating dog. He will go out and sniff cooch after cooch until some woman helps him do the dirty deed on his wife, child and marriage. You don’t HAVE to be the woman that assists him in his cheating. Go and find yourself a single man and leave him alone! Tell him no, and he’ll move onto some next chick. That’s why I call her the ASSISTANT man teef. You can’t ‘steal’ a man from anyone, but a man cannot cheat by himself. Your presence and involvement sure can help him and tempt him along the way and eventually out of that relationship. That’s exactly what she did, assist him. It should have been a case of:

1. Married man is looking for some fresh poon-tang.
2. Woman knows man is married.
3. Married man comes onto woman.
4. Woman should have no further involvement with the married man. Draw a line under it right there and distance herself from him. No exchanging of numbers, texts, e-mails, dates…nothing. 

Why are you even allowing it to get to a point of love with a married man? If you adhere to step 4, then there should be no love in the first place. At that point there are no emotions, so go and take a cold shower, siddown and read a book.

MY stance on married, separated, soon to be divorced men:

• I don’t get involved with any of them and never will.
• I don’t care what problems they are having between them as a couple. It’s not right to be a third party in that union under ANY circumstances.
• If a man is married, separated and not yet divorced but on his way to being so, he’s STILL married, and as far as I’m concerned I equate that to adultery.
• I don’t even care if the separation/pending divorce has been drawn out for 15 years…he’s STILL married.
• I wouldn’t even date a man fresh out of a divorce.
• Married people are ALLOWED to have their bad times and rough patches without you using that as an excuse to sleep with them. Once they call it a day with ink on the dotted line of the divorce papers then he’s ALL yours.

What is it with some of these deep women and their off key personal lives that we would shake our heads at if they were regular women who lived round our way? Instead some of us give em a free pass because they put out a friggin album which is relatively decent?

Eykah Badu – 3 children by 3 different men. If she wasn't Ms Badu we'd be putting her in the same class as the chicks on The Jeremy Kyle show with no teeth. Wrap some cloth round her fake dreads all of a sudden we get her reasons behind her choices and decide she's free from the very same judgement that we do to the other women that walk the planet. My issue is not with Erykah's lifestyle choice but the hypocrisy in which people defend her choices where they wouldn't others. Thankfully [I'm hoping] no broken hearts occurred with other women as a result of her bearing 3 children. 

Lauryn Hill – 5 children by Rohan Marley. When she was running around with a very married Wyclef Jean [Wyclef confirmed their relationship in 2007], she got pregnant by a very married Mr Marley. Rohan never divorced his wife. Lauryn used to refer to Rohan as her husband on her Myspace page. Years ago I remember checking his MySpace page when I saw this on Lauryn’s page. On Rohan's it said he was single. It states the same thing on Wikipedia, but I can assure you I saw both their pages years ago within minutes of each other and that’s what I saw with my own eyes.

ISN’T ANYONE AFRAID OF THE AIDS??? YES I SAID ‘THE AIDS’???? ALL THIS DIPPIN’ N' STICKIN’???

Alicia Keys – got with Swizz when he was married to Mashonda, months after Mashonda gave birth to their son. Whilst with Keys, the human/rodent mutant has fathered a child [left]. Keys was supposedly present during the paternity test in London and will now be mother number 4 to child number 4 of his. So already Swizz has done the dirty on Alicia, and she’s sticking with him and sitting this foolery out?? 

Yeah you a Super something alright, a Super Trick who got played…What was that sh** she was singing about…A Woman’s Worth? There is no hope in hell that their marriage will last. And when it’s over Alicia will release a statement along the lines of

“We are no longer married on paper, but still bonded within the depths of our souls. We will continue to love each other, just apart as physical beings. No longer bound together by society’s ideals of marriage. Together as one in unity to raise our child with the love and respect of its parents that he/she deserves.”

And I can tell you now that will be the cover up statement for “he did it again and cheated on me. I feel so shame faced, and rather than the whole world 'tell me so' let me release this bogus statement to cover up all the shame.”

It’s all well and good to probably think I’m vilifying these women in this blog, but truth be told they and other women like them make choices in their lives. Picking and choosing unavailable men to procreate with, or choosing available, but multiple men to procreate with.

These same women, who if they lived in your neighbourhood you’d be gossiping about and shaking your head at. Just because they put out 15 tracks on an album that you can bop your head and sway to, all of a sudden you give em a pass, and make excuses for their behaviour. So it’s alright for us to make fun of Ulrika Jonsson and call her 4x4 [4 children by 4 men] but not say anything when it comes to Erykah?? 

Look, whether it’s our business or not, people are going to talk. That’s it. Bottom line. Plain and simple. I can’t be that hypocrite. If whats-her-face down the road in exactly the same situation gets talked about, so can the women listed above.

Poignant lines from Lauryn Hill’s smash hit Doo Wop That Thing

Girls you know you better watch out
some guys,some guys are only about
that thing, that thing, that thing

Plus when you give it up so easy you ain't even fooling him
If you did it then, then you probably f*** again

Girlfriend, let me break it down for you again
You know I only say it 'cause I'm truly genuine
Don't be a hardrock when you're really a gem
Babygirl, respect is just a minimum
Niggas f***ed up and you still defending them

The second verse is dedicated to the men
More concerned with his rims and his Timbs than his women

The pretty face, men claiming that they did a bid men
Need to take care of their three and four kids men
The quick to shoot the semen stop acting like boys and be men

Didn’t Lauryn end up with the same type of man she sang about in regard to the above?
Between her and Alica Keys singing and tweeting about Karma I’m through with these fake heffers.

Mashonda Speaks On Swizz, Alicia, Date Rape & Life After The Drama

Source: VIBE

Snail up Mashonda’s gated, mountain-top driveway and you’ll catch an unexpected sight. Weeds tall enough to kiss knees. An unused pool sad with leaves and dirt. Silence. However, the particularly glowing 29-year-old laughs off the scenery, dubbing her soon-to-be ex New York home (once owned by Madonna) a “ghetto mansion.” Inside, cardboard boxes stuffed with wineglasses, appliances... memories. It goes without saying—Mashonda has had more than a rough two years. You know the story. It lives in gossip blogs, tweets, and between the fingers of a showy A-list pair. Now for the first time ever, the ex-wife of Swizz Beatz is revealing the whole truth and nothing but. In a candid two-part interview, Mashonda opens up to VIBE's Tracy Garraud about her past, present, and why she’s more resilient than ever.

VIBE: How much of a burden is it to be referred to as Swizz Beatz ex-wife, rather than Mashonda?

Mashonda: I can't wait until that goes down. I hate that when [Swizz and Alicia Keys are] doing something I always come up. I can't wait for the day when we’re both in our own worlds. I’m a separate person and just want my own identity.

How far have you gone to regain your own identity? Have you still kept his last name, Dean?

I do. I kept my last name for my son’s sake, until I remarry. There's no need to rush to change it… that just complicates things for my son. That would be so petty of me. The only thing that could change [my last name] is a really good man.

Speaking of which. You’ve been spotted with producer, Michael Honablue. Going well?

Yeah. It’s only been two months, [but] Michael and I have a really good thing. I've been really private with my personal life, but I will say that Michael and myself share a lot of characteristics. He's just a good guy.

When did you feel you could comfortably date again?

I had to be fully divorced before anything because it was important to show my son that that's just not how you do it. You're not going to do this to your wife… over my dead body are you going to do this to your wife. If you don't want to be with her, you wait until your shit is right, [then] you do all your public stuff. That was really important for me to [be] an example for him. So I waited. It wasn't really an interest of mine to date anyways. I just really wanted to figure out me and my next move because I was so confused and hurt. If you're not complete with yourself there is no way you can be complete in a relationship. But now I'm in a really good place, and I only mess with positive people. I will not entertain negativity.

You were with Swizz for ten years, married for four, is it weird being with a man that isn't your ex-husband?

It is definitely weird. The first time I went on a date with somebody, I cried. It was like ‘Oh my God.’ I didn't even know how to talk to another man. It was just weird being there, but I knew it was something I had to do, a part of moving on. Thank God I've been blessed to deal with only good, educated, sensitive men. God will send the right person for me. [Right now] my son is my number one man.

How old is little Kaseem now?

Three-and-a-half. He'll be four in December. 

I know it was very important for you to sit down with Alicia if she was going to be around your son. Safe to assume that happened?

When I wrote her that Twitter letter everybody wanted to say things like ‘Oh, what do you need to meet her for? It's not her problem, it's Swizz's." I'm like, ‘You have a kid, go through what I went through and then talk to me.’ I'm not having my son around anybody I don't know. I don't give a shit who you are and how much money you have and what management he's going to be under when he visits you. I need to see you and I need you to see how serious I am about him. And that's what happened. We had to sit down, and I told her how I felt. I didn't mention anything else, it was all about my son and it was fine after that. I'm not going sit and talk to [them] about what happened between the three of us. This is about my son.

 How did you introduce Kaseem to Alicia?

‘This is daddy's friend Alicia… Daddy's girlfriend.’ I don't want him to ever go over there feeling uncomfortable.

 When did this meeting finally take place?

It took a good year and a half. I think that only happened in March.

 How was Alicia’s demeanor?

She just listened.

 This all sounds like a really awkward gathering…

It wasn't awkward; I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't ready. I said what I had to say as a mom. It was a whole sit down dinner. So you know how intimate that is. There are certain things we have to do as women in order to move forward.

Very true, have you received an apology from either one of them yet?

Nope.

 Surprising?

No, because I honestly feel like they think they didn't do anything wrong. I don't care about their apology. As long as he’s a great dad to my son and she's a good step-mom, they don't have to worry about apologizing because they will never understand or care about the pain I went through. That was a big thing at first, I felt like nobody was respecting me. He's not respecting me, she's not respecting me. [But] then I had to say, ‘Fuck my ego, because this can't be an ego thing. If it is I'm going to fall down and die.’ People feel that they are so happy and they are so in love, but what really happens is that real love does not come from a foundation when you hurt somebody else. Love does not happen like this. Love doesn’t involve hurt, lies, or destructing anybody else's soul. 

 If real love isn’t born from infidelity, are you saying it wouldn’t shock you if their soon-to-be marriage ended in divorce?

I don't think about it, it's not my concern. I don't think about them anymore. If there was no little boy involved in this, I would’ve probably moved to another country by now. I've thought about going to live in Europe, but I can't because his dad is here. I don't like confusion, I don't like drama, I don't like none of that stuff. I would have left before the divorce was even final.

How did you even find out that they were engaged and she was pregnant? Please don’t tell me the blogs.

I knew these things for a couple of months… I never talked to him about it though. It’s his life, but people talk. Nobody is nobody's friend when it comes to stuff like this. There are people in their circles that talk and it gets back to me and I'm like ‘Wow, okay.’ I still feel like we should tell each other…No, I don't care. I don't give him the vibe that I care, so he wouldn't feel obligated to tell me.

If you were generously invited, would you attend their wedding?

No. Not out of malice, but because weddings are sacred. It's just not my place. The only reason I went to his birthday party was because he invited me and I did that for myself. I needed to see them together for it to transfer. And I was like ‘Wow, this is real.’ We were still totally married…We had a divorce that was nowhere near final, but I just needed to see them in action for it to be real to me, and it was definitely real. You have all these different types of steps that you have to set up for yourself until you get to that place where you are free. And I will tell you, after I got divorced maybe three weeks later I woke up and felt a weight removed. It was the first time I’d ever felt mentally free. And I sent him an email wishing him all the best in the world.

Did he reply back?

He did. He said, "Wow, thanks. Thank you."

When was the last you cried?

I haven't cried in about a year. I don't cry anymore. I thank the good Lord for that, because it takes a lot for me to cry now. It's been a journey. The whole first year I cried my fucking brains out. And when “Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart” came out, I was like… "Wow, this song is for me." [Laughs] I would cry in my sleep, I would wake up crying.

Does it hurt listening to her now? Were you an Alicia Keys fan?

I believed her before. 

And now?

I don't make it an effort to listen. I don't make it an effort not to listen. I still like her songs. She's head over heels in love and I get it. Every woman deserves to feel that, not at the expense of another woman though. But I understand why some of the decisions were made on her part, because her heart was so in it. I can't fight that [and] I can't fight her because she’s a household name. People are always going to love her for her music, as they should. She makes great music, but no one is really ever going to understand what happened in this house. Bottom line, the rule is, if you're messing with somebody, you don't know they're married, and you found out they're married if you come into any contact with that wife, leave it alone… respect the woman, respect the wife. Like I said before, it was an ego thing for me. I'm being fucking disrespected, nobody respects me, this is my husband, this is my family, this girl thinks she can just do anything she thinks she wants to. And that's what I dealt with for a while, until I gave up.

Ego can be a dangerous thing. Were you still in love with him while you were fighting for your marriage?

I got to be honest with you… I was not in love. Love is unconditional; “in love” is very conditional. [Being] in love is a state of insanity, infatuation, when you can't live without that person. But when one thing goes wrong you feel crazy, it's insane. So when you’re able to tell the difference you're better off. Because [being] in love doesn't last, [it’s] for the moments. Love is forever. I still love him, he's the father to my son. We have history, there's no reason not for me to love him. What he did was done for me to learn something. I don't blame him anymore. Now he has to learn because I've already learned.

Is Alicia the reason your state of being in love faded?

There were lies, infidelity. I would die for him, but I was more focused on family. 

Are your parents still together?

They had a messy divorce as well, so I saw what it was like, how it effects kids. I didn't want my son to live through that.

Did they like Swizz?

They loved him.

You mentioned there being infidelity prior to Alicia. What happened?

His older son Nasir was born while we were together. We were living together [and] I was pregnant at the time. I stressed so much because I found out [the other woman] was pregnant... it put me into pre-labor. I lost my baby in 2000 when I was five-and-a-half months. It was tragedy. Nothing compares to losing a child. That shit put me into a two-year depression, it took me six years to even try [having a baby] again. I was afraid. So not only did I lose my baby, but now I was waiting for this other woman to have hers. Because of what happened to me, he wanted me to name the baby. He wanted a Muslim name and I loved the name Nasir. The first time I met Nasir we fell in love and whenever we had visitation he was my baby. I took care of him. We did everything that I would do with [Kaseem]. And when Swizz did that interview with DJ Enuff, he mentioned that I made him choose between his marriage and his son, and I was like ‘What?!’ 

Wow.

That kills me the most. He was saying these things because these are probably the things he told her. Obviously something is wrong with his morals, but I don't play with kids. Even now with Alicia's pregnancy, I believe she deserves privacy. I hate hearing people wish bad stuff on her and the baby. I'm like ‘People shut up!’ This is a child, an actual life… someone who has nothing to do with what's going on right now. I wish her the most successful, healthy pregnancy in the world, that child is going to be my son's brother or sister and that's the only way to look at it.

That’s commendable to say. But what about that Twitter message you sent her?

I did not expect that letter to do what it did, I swear. I was in a state of insanity when I wrote that letter. I sat on the bed and I was like, ‘I can't take this shit anymore’ and lost my mind. I sat and wrote it all out on paper first, and then I tweeted it. The next morning it was on every blog and I was like ‘Ah! Oh my God, what the fuck did I do?!’ It was not intended to be that. And I kind of felt bad.

Bad enough to apologize to Alicia?

No, I didn't feel like it was anything for me to apologize about. I wished we could have done it a different way. If she would just acknowledge me… I was begging for this person to just talk to me, woman to woman.

Are you close to Swizz’s family?

[Hesitates] We're cool. When you divorce everybody, you can tell your real friends after a divorce. You can tell who’s really down for you.

How many friends do you think you’ve lost from this?

5% stuck around. The other percentage was a part of the Swizz fan base. It's like the red sea parting. You get to see who promotes the bullshit and who’s like ‘What [Swizz], you did what?’

Did any industry names reach out to you in support?

People reach out all the time. I don't really entertain that stuff and I don't talk to a lot of people because really friends aren't always as loyal as they claim to be. I don't have a problem helping females out, because I want women to get something from my story. But I don't do a lot of talking [and] I don't do the friend thing. I'll hang out with girls and laugh and have a drink but as far as sitting down and crying about my problems, that would never happen. When I'm going through real serious shit I go into hiding. I don't talk to anybody but God. And that first year people were like ‘Mashonda are you okay?’ You're not answering your phone, you're not talking’… I just didn't have anything to say. I would get up at four am and just pray and try to go back to sleep because nobody can really do anything for you. People might love you to death but they can't do everything for you.

You’ve mentioned in the past that Swizz repeatedly denied having an affair with Alicia. Did he ever fully come out and admit to it?

My husband admitted to having his affair on Mothers Day 2008, six months after I found out. I didn't sleep for a whole year. I had to take pills to sleep because I'd wake up in the middle of the night crying. I couldn't even look at my son some days because I didn't have the strength and I never wanted him to feel my bad energy. It was a battle. They are just now going public, but this has been going on for a very long time. I refused to really break it down for people to understand because there was no way I could go around not making [Swizz and Alicia] look extra crazy and I didn't want to put that out there for my son. I didn't want him to see his father as a monster. But the shit is deep.

What was the last thing you remember doing to keep the marriage in tact?

I did everything I could do, but I knew there was no working it out when he admitted his affair to me… he was happy about it. After lying about it for so long and finally admitting it I was like ‘I can't take it no more!’ In the back of my mind I was like, ‘I have to fight for my family, this is my son's father. We were supposed to grow old together, we were supposed to raise this baby together, we were supposed to do all these things, I'm fighting for my fucking husband. I don't care who he's dating, I don't care how much money she's got, I'm fighting for my husband.’ And then I realized… I can't fight for him… he doesn't want to be with me. I'm not going to win this one. 

How do you fight for a husband?

I fought more for the family than I did for my husband. It wasn't ‘I love you, don't leave me.’ It was never that because that’s not even me. It was, ‘Let’s work it out for this baby. You can't leave. I can't be a single mom. Let’s go to counseling, we are a family.’

Did you ever get a response?

None… none.

Were these conversations mainly over the phone?

Phone. Person. He lived here for a long time after he left to go be with her. He was back and forth.

Did you guys sleep in the same bed?

No, I put him in a different room. I know my worth. I don't have to beg anybody to want to be with me. I wouldn't torture myself with that.

When was the last time you spoke to him?

We talk almost every day. We have a child so we have to.

Sounds a bit obligatory, are you guys trying to rebuild a friendship?

We're cool. I want to be the best we could be for our son. If my son wants us to hug, we'll give each other a hug. Whatever makes him happy, you know kids like to see that. And I don't hate [Swizz], there's nothing anybody can do to me to really make me hate him. Hate is such a terrible word. It's strong. I just don’t approve of what he did and how he did it

Have you been able to speak to Alicia since that dinner?

We don't talk. We don't have any business talking unless it has something to do with my baby.

Tell me more about this house.

We moved here in 2004. This was his dream house. We moved here with hopes of fixing everything… we needed a new roof, we needed maintenance. We bought this house knowing it was a project and that he had to fix it, but this was his dream house and when he left, he let it fall apart. Black mold, leaks everywhere. Not only was I dealing with that and them, [but] I had to deal with how my son and myself were living. When the marriage fell apart, so did the house.

Is this house under his name or both of your names?

It's our house. But I just need to get out of here. There are just too many memories, and it’s just too big environmentally [Laughs].

Have you been getting your alimony and child-support payments?

Everything is perfect now, but there was a time where shit was a little rocky. At first there was an issue, but now we’re in a good place. He realizes it’s just something you have to do. It’s a part of divorce. He is really trying to be a better person to me and he’s doing an excellent job at being a better dad. But I still have to get out of this house. It’s too big and I just want to start over somewhere new; some place that has absolutely no memories of my marriage. I’m really excited to leave. I’ve been packing for months. 

You’re currently working on a memoir, Death of a Mermaid. I’m sure there’s a story behind that title.

When this all happened, I didn't know if I was coming or going. I sat in my house for a year. By the second year, I had things more in perspective. I figured, okay, writing is what I did when he met me. Death of a Mermaid stems from my pool. When we first moved in, the pool needed renovation. We had pool specialists come and show me all these different tile samples and I said ‘I want a mermaid in the pool and I want her to look like me.’ So I had them create this mosaic at the bottom of the pool. When [Swizz] left, he stopped paying the pool payments. So my pool became a swamp and my mermaid died because I couldn’t see her anymore. And every time I walked down my bedroom stairs and looked out those big windows, I saw the swamp. It made me remember the good times and the mermaid and how happy I was when I created her. The mermaid represents me. People automatically think that the book is going to be about [Swizz and Alicia], but it’s a spiritual journey. It’s about a young girl growing up in Harlem with nothing but dreams. Struggling. Scrambling up money to get on the train and go to the studio. Doing all these different things without a manager, getting a deal and being involved in the whole beginning of commercial hip-hop. My book is about my life and coming into my own. Even experiencing… Should I say it? [Hesitant] Experiencing… situations with music industry guys and how they treat women.

Something happened that wasn’t supposed to?

Yeah and just being unprotected in that type of situation where you feel like, ‘Okay I want to do this and make it happen then you come into some shit like, Oh my God this wasn’t supposed to be a part of it’ [Whispers: ‘I should just say it… it could be good for other women’]… experiencing date rape within the music industry. Going from that, to meeting someone that accepted me and stood up for me. When Swizz found out… I was very honest with what happened to me and I told him who did it. And he stepped to them and he told them, ‘This is my girl now and I want to make sure that there’s respect. I know what happened, but I just want to make sure that you know this is what it is. And I need respect in this situation from now on.’ Because [the offender] was somebody we knew we would constantly run into.

Wow, a record exec?

I can’t even tell you girl. I never said anything because I was like, ‘There’s no making it out of this okay.’ Because as a young girl, by me opening my mouth about this, I’m either going to fuck the rest of my career up or I’m going to end up getting someone locked up, and I don’t want to do that. So I just dealt with it and I knew what to do and what not to do ever again. You can’t blame people all the time because if I hadn’t put myself in that situation then it wouldn’t have happened. So I took 50% of the blame.

Did you have a feeling sex was going to be involved when you met with that man?

No. It wasn’t a part of the agenda, but it did. It wasn’t rape to the point where I was screaming. Date rape and rape are totally different. But rape is rape. Bottom line, when you say ‘No,’ it’s supposed to be no. I walked away saying, ‘I can’t believe this shit just happened.’ It opened my eyes to know what to do next and what not to do. A lot of young girls are lost; they don’t know how to make it out.

That’s the truth. It was really big of Swizz to stand up for you. What were the beginnings of your relationship like?

What people don't know about me is that I got my first publishing deal when I was 18 with Warner Chapel Music, I got my first record deal with Columbia Records when I was 19. This was all before I met Swizz. He saw my picture in a studio and was like ‘She’s beautiful. I want her.’ When we met, we were crazy about each other. We fell in love hard. In the very beginning of our relationship, I had a lot more money than him and he would rarely want to stay at my place. So I’d give in and go to his apartment, which had no furniture. We’d sleep on the floor with our winter coats on. This was all when he was just starting out. That’s how far back we go.

Damn. So what helped you to finally let go of all the pain?

Pilates helped me so much that first year. For those couple hours of doing Pilates nothing else would matter because you are so focused. You're learning all these breathing techniques and breathing, I swear, it cleans you out. It pushes out a lot of that negative energy. I also bought a lot of spiritual books on the universe and the laws of life. Once you start realizing that things really do happen for a reason, you accept it and stop fighting the world. There is one book called The Secret of Life, and it's about letting go of false emotions. I realized that the pain I felt wasn't coming from him or her, it was coming from me. I had to change.

Do you look at marriage differently at all?

No. I would get married again, but this time to someone who is completely happy with themselves and in a place in their life where they want to be. I'll definitely get married again one day, no time soon though.

How do you think Swizz answers the question, ‘What ended your marriage?’

Knowing him, he’d probably say we grew apart. It sounds ridiculous, because you’re not supposed to grow apart. People just don’t understand the concept of marriage. They do it, just to do it sometimes.

What would be your advice to women dating within the industry?

I would avoid it completely. People in the industry… a lot of them are just that. They can't turn off, they are always on, they forget who they really are and they think they are just this athlete or this rapper all the time. And they get a pass for doing foul shit, that’s just how it is. You don't want to be apart of that. You need to be with somebody who understands when they are messing up and that can stop and fix their shit. Someone that doesn’t strive off what everyone else thinks of them. 

What’s most important to you right now?

My son. My independence. I especially love helping women. WEEN (The Women in Entertainment Empowerment Network) just invited me to join the Honorary Chair Committee for their second annual awards. I’m very, very proud of that. I also love volunteering. Sanctuary For Families… this shelter is incredible. They take in women that were domestically abused in any shape and they take in their children. Give them shelter, legal support, health, put the kids in school, it’s incredible. I wanted to do something for women that go through what I went through on a different level. You always think, ‘Oh my God, I’m so bad off, I can't believe he did that to me.’ And then you hear stories from these women and realize how blessed you are.

How long have you been working for them?

I started last year. I'm very involved. The mothers sometimes just need people to talk to. I give a lot of donations.

I’m sure you’ve received a bunch of reality TV offers as well.

I’ve been offered three shows in the past two years, but I’m not ready for that. My life has been so publicly displayed already, I need some form of privacy. I’m more into producing reality TV than being on a show, but I might make a few guest appearances like Shaunie O’Neal.

Will you be writing more after Death of a Mermaid?

Yes, I’m actually working on a book of quotes. There’s also some film stuff. I’m in the process of forming a production-publishing company. And just got certified as a professional interior designer… looking to get a Pilates certification as well. There’s a lot going on. Women can get so caught up in love and totally forget about themselves, so it’s always important to have your own thing going on.

It’s been awhile since we last heard a music record from you. Will we be seeing another Mashonda album any time soon?

I love music, it’s how I began. I’ve received some offers to work with different producers to come up with an album [that] I’m going to entertain it; I’m in the studio working on a lot of writing and recording. Right now, I want to sell a lot of songs to different artists.

So folks shouldn’t anticipate a heart-wrenching, personal ballad anytime soon, right?

I will at some point, but not right now. Right now I want to do music to make people happy. I’m just not on that page of letting people only talk about this situation. Don’t want to stay in that realm. I’m not even looking for a record deal, I’m just being free. I like it that way. I’m not using this situation as a publicity stunt to try and get other things going. I’m not going to live off them and their names. I don’t want to be remembered as an ex-wife that went through a time of public divorce.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Making women stronger.  

—Tracy Garraud