What Would You Do If...? Friends With Benefits [Scenario]

It's been a little while since you've got a blog out of me, but today that's about to change.....err simply because I'm blogging today.

First things first...unless you want sh*t to come back to haunt you, don't tell your business on the world wide web aka innernets...YES I said innernets. The reason I say that is because, I'm using this scenario which was told to me through a third party and posted on the net. If it's about you and you're reading this, *BIG OL Kanye shrug* not my problem sweetie.

Scenario: (now this could be for a man or a woman, so here goes....)

You have a FWB ('Friend With Benefits' - someone who you have a sexual relationship with sans strings/ties/emotions/commitment) and they no longer have sex with you anymore, but only have you give them head....should you say something?

After a Jamaican roll of the eyes, a kiss teeth and a deep sigh here goes...

NO THE HELL YOU SHOULD NOT SAY A DAMN THING!

That is not your man/woman, that is simply your friend or an acquaintance that you have a sexual relationship with whenever the mood takes you both, or have it scheduled in your phone calendars. The dynamics/problems/concerns with your sex life are only to be discussed with someone who gives you more of their time in a non-physical capacity, and actually acknowledges you as their other half BOTH privately and publicly. The only thing you should be discussing is safe sex and sexual health testing.

Women especially never fair well when it comes to these FWB situations. Why? Women are emotional creatures, and as much as they start out with a male mentality when becoming a FWB, pretty soon they are going to want to spend time with more than just the dick itself and emotions will start to get in the way. The minute a woman starts staying over longer than she should, making plans outside of the sexual arena of the bedroom, thinking about how his last name will sound with hers, getting jealous, anxious or concerned about other women, wanting to know who just called his phone and why is when she should start to realise there maybe more going on with her with regard to her feelings for this man.

Simply put, when you are a friend with a benefit, that's exactly what you are. The only purpose you serve to that person is one of a sexual nature and nothing more. You are a time filler until something fulfilling comes around for them, and a body which they use for their own personal sexual gratification. People need to stop getting it into their heads (the one that rests on their neck) that the power they 'think' they possess with their nether regions is going to somehow snag and keep that person interested for a lifetime. It won't.

Any man that wants to be with you, will be with you for MORE than what he thinks he can get from you on the physical level of things alone. To him the sex will be a bonus, NOT the only deciding factor. To the ladies, your stuff ain't that great, it really isn't. It takes more than your vagina and labia to keep a man hooked and interested, and if you think that's all it takes then you haven't/aren't dealing with real men. Give them (the real men) some credit please! Real men are enticed and excited about a woman's mind, heart, body soul...EVERYTHING. If a man only talks about how you can benefit him physically, then just let it be known, he has shown you who he truly is....believe him. Don't get mad that a man starts off having a sexual relationship with you, doesn't put a label on what you are to him, has told you that it's just about the sex, be grateful you know you're dealing with someone who is honest and isn't stringing you along. 

If you are/have been in that scenario then the person you really should be mad at is yourself for sticking around when the signs are blatantly there. You want a man to be exclusive to you, be committed to you, be more than just about the sex to you, but you're dealing with a man who's just all about the sex??? Sista girl get mad AT YOU, because you're cock blocking your own damn self from the worthy man of your dreams dealing with a dude who won't ever commit to you, in the hopes that he will. There are plenty of men out there who want the commitment, the love, the romance, the relationship, who are willing to show you off to the world and not keep you permanently placed on your back or on your knees, and these men will do it without confusing your ass in the process.

So no you don't have a right to get all uppity if he decides he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and keeps it strictly on a giving head basis. You've allowed that to happen by limiting yourself to unfulfilling sex, so that's what you get...unfulfilling sex. Getting head for him is all about him and your accommodating his ass like a damn fool, then having the nerve to be mad or upset about it. You don't! One other thing you don't have to the right to be mad at...him having sex with other women. You aren't exclusive in a FWB situation, there is no premium FWB status, the only thing you can ask him to do and be is safe in regards to the sex itself. She has no claim on that man and he has no claim on that woman, what you have stands for nothing more than foreplay, sex, orgasms. That's where it begins and ends.

There are no emotions here, it's strictly physical, so if you decide to 'talk it out' with him, don't expect much as he doesn't even have to consider you or your feelings as this kind of relationship is a selfish one about pleasing the needs of yourselves. If he's not having to screw you anymore but gets head out of the deal then he's winning in the selfish scheme of things, and you my dear yet again have allowed yourself to be played in a game where you think you have rights to add rules to it. If  this scenario was in a relationship/marriage then yes, you definitely have a problem because you're in a valid partnership with that person where love, respect, feelings, emotions and consideration are present. If you're just another number in their phone, notch on their belt, name in their black book don't expect first class treatment when your ass paid for economy.

Some of you really need to check yourselves and who you mess with before you get mad when it comes to messing with men or women. A lot of these idiotic scenarios can be avoided if you remember what you signed up for and know what you're entitled to when delving into these situations. Especially when the status was laid out for you loud n clear in the beginning. 

If they use phrases like:

"I'm not really looking for anything serious right now."

"I just got out of a relationship."

"Why do we have to put a label on it, it only complicates things."

"We just f*cking."

"I thought we were having fun?"

"It's not black, it's not white, it's a grey area."

"You ain't got to go home, but you got to get the hell up outta here."

....chances are you maybe in a FWB situation. If you don't know, now you know.

What Would You Do If...?

...you were Rachel in that episode of Friends?  [Fellas you can answer this one too] The one where Ross was dating Julie who he met in China and couldn't decide whether he wanted to date her or Rachel, so he made a list on Chandlers new computer and went through them with his friends?

I saw that episode a few days ago and HAD to pose the question. Back in the day when I first saw this episode we were 2-3 years shy of having internet in our homes and blogs were unheard of. So I'm asking you now a decade and some years later.

A list of pros, cons and comparisons were listed between the two of you and Rachel saw it on the computer. What in the hell would you do?

My response: Any man that would go through the trouble of actually having to sit there with his friends [or even by himself] listing all of my flaws in an attempt to justify being with me and/or comparing me to someone else, doesn't need to be with me.

If you can't view the video, the basic premise of the transcript is below. An NO I did not type that out myself.

Season 2 Episode 8 - The One With The List

RACHEL: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. What is this? Ross, what is this?

CHANDLER: Good luck.
ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?
RACHEL: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?
ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.
RACHEL: Just a waitress?
ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rache?
RACHEL: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!
ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
RACHEL: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.

 RACHEL: No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.
RACHEL: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. I said don't go!
ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.
RACHEL: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.

What Would You Do If...?

...you were Rihanna?

Let's just say you we're bruised all in the face and choked till you passed out by your boyfriend/husband whatever. Would you work it out and go back? Or a hell no it's all done and over?

Now think about it HONESTLY. Women are all too quick to talk about picking up this and that Madea style and doing whatever, but realistically what would you do if you got into it physically with your man?

I have ALWAYS been one of those women that can honestly say I know what I would do, so much so to the point I think I actually live my life 'just in case shit happens'.

I'll give you a few examples. I'll make sure for one I'm not living in YOUR house with me not having a pot to piss in.

Where are YOU going to go if you whoop my ass?

If it's OUR house then you better get comfortable in a jail cell or on whoever n dem's couch, because I have no problem in dialling 999 with a quickness to get your ass O.U.T. By that time [phone in hand] you're hoping the most racist cop comes to your front door to put his ass in check and haul him out. [Y'all know how some black women switch. One minute your a king, next minute, you ain't shit talking about getting your brothers and cousins to come and get him].

I make sure that if I'm married then I have MY OWN money and sole access to it. It's fine to have a joint bank account for bills, but any man that wants to be pissed at me for having mine and keeping it as mine is a man I need to be wary of. If a man is threatened by a woman having her own wage and her own bank account when he has his, is on a trifling agenda. That screams "She can leave me and has the means if she see fit. I better be careful if I fuck around on her or act the straight fool." You better recognise. She'll either be a fool and stay or smart and leave with the same said money.

My parents. Married 28 years. Mum has hers, dad has his, joint in their name for bills and vacations. Not a problem. Dad acts right. Has no problem in mum having hers. That's how it should be. It's enough to give up your damn last name ladies, I'll be damned if he has my money too and rents out my womb every few years for HIS offspring. Off Topic: Why do men say that anyway "she's having my baby." No OUR baby! 50/50 You dumb shit.

What happens when you don't have the above set-up and he's trife. You gotta sit it out till YOU can AFFORD to leave him. "I can't leave because he convinced me to give up work and he'd provide for us." Well he can go out and provide all he wants. I'll be rocking a baby in my left arm and trading online making my own damn money with the right one.

Mrs H's sisters were always told to "walk with their 'vex money' " If any man pisses you off on a date. You have a means to get home WITHOUT HIM. Remember that.

"Bye mum, I'm off now."
"You have your vex money."
"Yeah."
"OK I'll see you later and be safe."

Never leave home without the vex money

I'm making sure I have my own 'vex money' when I get to the marriage stakes. I intend to marry for love and till death do us part, but I'm a realist and there could be upsets [God forbid] during that marriage that may tip a LondonDiva over the edge and make me want to get out. I'm a planner, a researcher and an organizer. Hey, look, no boyfriend in sight, no engagement ring on my finger, but I'm making plans to secure my future and make sure when I have children that I become a stay at home mother. That's what I want and that's what I'll get. When I was 10 years old I always said I wanted [like my mother] to have children after I was 30. Being an 'older' mother appealed to me, still does. If all being well I'd like my first two very close together and my last one approaching 40. Being 29 and 8 months I still feel the same way 19 years later. The problem with some women is they want want want without a plan plan plan. If me and him go our separate ways I DON'T WANT HALF unless it's our half [like the house]. Women need to stop the noise with this half bullshit. If you were working and making your own you wouldn't be screaming for any damn HALF. But if some of you HALF screamers were earning double than your man you'd be the first to tell him "Nigga you ain't getting shit." So why should he give you his? Don't even sit there and lie ladies. If some of you planned your marriages as much as you planned that damn wedding then you would find out that if you have kids, give up work and divorce you better have some moula saved with a quickness instead of relying on him during the happy times. When you rely on him you become forced to stay in a situation that may become negative one day, then what? If you remain blissfully happy and you both behave, then your marital 'vex money' can pay for a beautiful funeral or left behind for the kids/grandchildren. Everyone's a winner.

Back to the beating talk. I know me very well. VERY WELL. I've sat down and thought about this as if I was a single woman, engaged, married, married with children. And all end up with the same answer. That would be the first and the last time. End of. There is no way me and him could be sleeping in the same bed afterwards because I'm the kind of person [and I'll be very truthful here] if you piss me off my first thought is to hit you, that's how riled I get. I can hold a grudge like a squirrel holds a nut. Every time I see his ass I'd be planning a surprise attack. How I can mess up is digestive system [not kill him...although I would probably think about it...but never carry it out because I'm not capable.]

I'm not docile, I'm very aggressive and at one point all I wanted to do was fight. I'd instigate arguments HOPING it would get physical with random folks [usually on public transport]. I'd threaten to beat them, spark them in their jaw, knock out their teeth. Man I had issues. So much so I wanted TO BE a boxer. My ex [who's father was an ex-professional] convinced me it wasn't a good idea [I mean just look at Mickey Rourke]. I just wanted an outlet for all of this rage. As the years have gone by I've worked on myself a lot. Oh don't get me wrong the temper is still there, I've had no physical altercations in about 3 years now. Doesn't mean I haven't had the urge. Pretty much all have been altercations with men [never one's I've dated...NEVER]. Any females that wanted to talk and cuss I'd have to just stand there and tell them they better know how to fight because fighting girls is too easy [all that damn hair pulling]. But I'm a girl who can defend herself, fears pretty much nothing, and knows the sight of a hand near my face, let alone slapping or beating my face will not end up with me cowering in a corner and a few hours later saying "I deserved it." Knowing me HE'D probably end up running out of the house.

n those relationships of mine I've been that same rage filled young girl/woman but RESPECTED my then partners SO MUCH that I was able to control myself. It never even got to an 'in your face' situation. So on a physical level, I personally would fight back if I was in a Chris Brown/Rihanna situation, even if I don't win, I'd give it my best, but that would be the last fight we're having. To put your hands on me shows you don't respect me. I've fought people, if I lay my hands on you I don't respect you at all. Sorry for your troubles in witnessing your father do the same to your mother but the next chick can help you sort out those troubles, I'm not about to become a statistic in this vicious cycle. I'm sure I'd still love the person [although I'd be in such a rage and the last thing on my mind would be love], but I've been put in a situation on more than one occasion to dislike the person and still love them from a distance [to the point of it eventually fading into nothing]. I love me so much more so that would make it easier for me. I really do. I don't say it for effect. I'm not a relationship hopper. I take time, a long time to 'find' myself and get to know me and work on myself, rather than hope some man can define me as a woman. **shakes head** not happening. Those women irk the hell out of me. Never whole unless they have a man in their lives and take up with any nastiness. And kids involved? Oh Lord, people who I've spoken to say that would be harder for them to leave, it wouldn't be for me. Imagine kids having to witness that, boys or girls. **shakes head** The vex money pot would have to be delved into. He has to go to work sometime and during that time is when I'd have to leave. I've probably planned the escape in my head already. **whispers** You tell no one about your plans to leave so they don't tell him [I've watched What's Love Got To Do With It], you make no calls from home on the cell [buy a brand new pay as you go] or land line to call anyone to tell them your plans and you sure as hell don't use the computer at home either. If you plan to move to a hotel for a while [check in with a different name and if anyone calls for you no one by that name is staying there.] The 'History' on your computer is a mutha, use an Internet cafe. **Oh my goodness I watch too many movies for real** But some, not all, some of this can be made easier if you keep as much of your life in control as much as possible rather than handing over yourself and identity the minute he says "I love you" and "I'll take care of you."

What's Rihanna's excuse? Money to her name. No ties to him and the public know her business, and she still goes back. That right there boils down to her own self esteem issues. She'll have to work on them. If she were my girlfriend, after you come crying to me once, I don't want to hear it again. My friends know I don't do the sympathy tip and yes they even call me harsh...so be it.

First time shame on you.
Second time shame on me.

I've spent most of my life making sure I don't end up being part of any negative stereotype or as a statistic and I sure as hell don't want to end my life as one.

Rihanna can 'live her life' as she so chooses. She never asked for my defence on her situation, but I gave it anyway, it's her business.

What Would You Do If...?

A friend asked you to do something with them and you really didn't want to do it [you've been honest and mentioned this to them] BUT you decided you'd be a support anyway, shake it off and just do it. You mentioned that THEY will have to organise it as it's their thing that they want to do. Two to three months have passed and no word on the 'thing' you said you'd support your friend on. You're frustrated for a few reasons.

A) They made a big deal about this being important to them, to the point of you feeling a little bad for turning down in the first place.

B) You've been the one constantly reminding the friend to go ahead and organise this. [The organisation should take nothing more than a few minutes - literally] You could do it yourself but realise it's not your job to organise every damn body, especially when the 'thing' is their idea.

C) You HATE plans being made but not finalised and confirmed, which leaves you with tentative plans in your upcoming weekends, where you know you could be doing or planning other things.

D) You get the feeling this is all bloody talk. Anyone serious about anything would be trying to make it happen right. So far it's been all talk and no action.

So blog readers it's a case of, you asked me to do something, I said no then yes I'd be a support, now out of principal of feeling the person isn't serious I should just pull out. I'm here willing and ready to do something to support someone and that person hasn't even made the first step after 3 or so months.

What would you do?
Keep with the plan and wait on them?
Or scrap it and say it's too late?