Let's Talk About Sex...

They knew exactly what they were thinking when they chose that paddle!

...err how about we don't.

I am far from being a prude, trust me on that one, but it seems like in this day and age it's the 'fashion' to talk about your sex life on Twitter/Facebook or any other place where people [may] pay attention to you.

I've spoken with friends about these 'Twitter antics', I've also tweeted the odd @ reply or DM [Direct Message] to other people on Twitter about the same said thing and not a lot of people are impressed by it or the usernames who feel the need to constantly chat about it.

If it's not that, it's people on BBM [Blackberry Messenger] posting sexual picture after sexual picture, or telling us in their status they want, are about to, or have just had some [sex]. 

I mean WHAT THE F*** IS THIS SERIOUSLY? 

I equate this to one of the highest forms of attention seeking f**kery. Well you got my attention, I find you pathetic! 

Moving on...

Some people are on a tip that they feel the more they talk about sex, or seem open about sex that they are some type of liberal sexpert, and anyone that doesn't agree or like what they do is a prude bordering on being a nun. 

It's not about that at all, it's more a case of:

• We don't want to know about your sex life as it's extremely boring to us, and quite frankly we aren't impressed.
• You may be getting some, but we don't believe you're any good at it, based on your incessant bragging.
• Whether some of us are saving it for marriage or having sex outside of marriage, some of us realise the IMPORTANCE of keeping a vast majority of our relationships/unions PRIVATE, and don't see the need for it to be cheapened in 140 characters or less for strangers to know about.
• We respect our partners and don't feel the need to chat our business which is essentially their business too.
• We just don't give a f***!!

Carrie Bradshaw - Sex & The City

As wonderful as Sex & The City was, I think some women got the wrong end of the stick [no pun intended] 6 seasons and 2 movies later and tried to become their very own Samantha Jones, or chat their arses off like Carrie and use Twitter and Facebook as their very own sex column. It doesn't work ladies. Running your mouth doesn't equate to being sexually liberated. We CHOSE to park our asses in front of the TV for 22 minute episodes, and paid to see the movies voluntarily. When I sit down in the morning and go through my timeline, I don't want to get visuals of your boney arse bonking your boyfriend, talking about how sore you are, or making references to semen whilst eating my bagel.

Sex is intimate. Save that intimate part of your relationship for your damn selves and don't be so quick to pick up your phone and tweet that element of it to a 657 strangers. We're not impressed, we actually think you have little to no shame to be quite honest. Even the ones probably egging you on to continue talking about it think the same and just wanna be 'all up in your business'. And speaking of being 'all up in your business', if you're going to be sharing those intimate parts of your relationship with strangers, please don't get mad if people ever ask you questions pertaining to your relationship. After talking about your sex life, are you really in a position to be demanding respect for your privacy?

I think not!

What Would You Do If...? Friends With Benefits [Scenario]

It's been a little while since you've got a blog out of me, but today that's about to change.....err simply because I'm blogging today.

First things first...unless you want sh*t to come back to haunt you, don't tell your business on the world wide web aka innernets...YES I said innernets. The reason I say that is because, I'm using this scenario which was told to me through a third party and posted on the net. If it's about you and you're reading this, *BIG OL Kanye shrug* not my problem sweetie.

Scenario: (now this could be for a man or a woman, so here goes....)

You have a FWB ('Friend With Benefits' - someone who you have a sexual relationship with sans strings/ties/emotions/commitment) and they no longer have sex with you anymore, but only have you give them head....should you say something?

After a Jamaican roll of the eyes, a kiss teeth and a deep sigh here goes...

NO THE HELL YOU SHOULD NOT SAY A DAMN THING!

That is not your man/woman, that is simply your friend or an acquaintance that you have a sexual relationship with whenever the mood takes you both, or have it scheduled in your phone calendars. The dynamics/problems/concerns with your sex life are only to be discussed with someone who gives you more of their time in a non-physical capacity, and actually acknowledges you as their other half BOTH privately and publicly. The only thing you should be discussing is safe sex and sexual health testing.

Women especially never fair well when it comes to these FWB situations. Why? Women are emotional creatures, and as much as they start out with a male mentality when becoming a FWB, pretty soon they are going to want to spend time with more than just the dick itself and emotions will start to get in the way. The minute a woman starts staying over longer than she should, making plans outside of the sexual arena of the bedroom, thinking about how his last name will sound with hers, getting jealous, anxious or concerned about other women, wanting to know who just called his phone and why is when she should start to realise there maybe more going on with her with regard to her feelings for this man.

Simply put, when you are a friend with a benefit, that's exactly what you are. The only purpose you serve to that person is one of a sexual nature and nothing more. You are a time filler until something fulfilling comes around for them, and a body which they use for their own personal sexual gratification. People need to stop getting it into their heads (the one that rests on their neck) that the power they 'think' they possess with their nether regions is going to somehow snag and keep that person interested for a lifetime. It won't.

Any man that wants to be with you, will be with you for MORE than what he thinks he can get from you on the physical level of things alone. To him the sex will be a bonus, NOT the only deciding factor. To the ladies, your stuff ain't that great, it really isn't. It takes more than your vagina and labia to keep a man hooked and interested, and if you think that's all it takes then you haven't/aren't dealing with real men. Give them (the real men) some credit please! Real men are enticed and excited about a woman's mind, heart, body soul...EVERYTHING. If a man only talks about how you can benefit him physically, then just let it be known, he has shown you who he truly is....believe him. Don't get mad that a man starts off having a sexual relationship with you, doesn't put a label on what you are to him, has told you that it's just about the sex, be grateful you know you're dealing with someone who is honest and isn't stringing you along. 

If you are/have been in that scenario then the person you really should be mad at is yourself for sticking around when the signs are blatantly there. You want a man to be exclusive to you, be committed to you, be more than just about the sex to you, but you're dealing with a man who's just all about the sex??? Sista girl get mad AT YOU, because you're cock blocking your own damn self from the worthy man of your dreams dealing with a dude who won't ever commit to you, in the hopes that he will. There are plenty of men out there who want the commitment, the love, the romance, the relationship, who are willing to show you off to the world and not keep you permanently placed on your back or on your knees, and these men will do it without confusing your ass in the process.

So no you don't have a right to get all uppity if he decides he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and keeps it strictly on a giving head basis. You've allowed that to happen by limiting yourself to unfulfilling sex, so that's what you get...unfulfilling sex. Getting head for him is all about him and your accommodating his ass like a damn fool, then having the nerve to be mad or upset about it. You don't! One other thing you don't have to the right to be mad at...him having sex with other women. You aren't exclusive in a FWB situation, there is no premium FWB status, the only thing you can ask him to do and be is safe in regards to the sex itself. She has no claim on that man and he has no claim on that woman, what you have stands for nothing more than foreplay, sex, orgasms. That's where it begins and ends.

There are no emotions here, it's strictly physical, so if you decide to 'talk it out' with him, don't expect much as he doesn't even have to consider you or your feelings as this kind of relationship is a selfish one about pleasing the needs of yourselves. If he's not having to screw you anymore but gets head out of the deal then he's winning in the selfish scheme of things, and you my dear yet again have allowed yourself to be played in a game where you think you have rights to add rules to it. If  this scenario was in a relationship/marriage then yes, you definitely have a problem because you're in a valid partnership with that person where love, respect, feelings, emotions and consideration are present. If you're just another number in their phone, notch on their belt, name in their black book don't expect first class treatment when your ass paid for economy.

Some of you really need to check yourselves and who you mess with before you get mad when it comes to messing with men or women. A lot of these idiotic scenarios can be avoided if you remember what you signed up for and know what you're entitled to when delving into these situations. Especially when the status was laid out for you loud n clear in the beginning. 

If they use phrases like:

"I'm not really looking for anything serious right now."

"I just got out of a relationship."

"Why do we have to put a label on it, it only complicates things."

"We just f*cking."

"I thought we were having fun?"

"It's not black, it's not white, it's a grey area."

"You ain't got to go home, but you got to get the hell up outta here."

....chances are you maybe in a FWB situation. If you don't know, now you know.

Let's Talk About Sex: How Many Is Too Many?

Partners that is? In this modern day age it's obvious that thoughts, views and opinions relating to sex are even more liberal and relaxed than they ever have been before.

Double standards still exist. The most common one being for men is that it's OK and deemed normal to have many sexual partners in a lifetime, and for a woman it reeks of just being a straight up whore. To me personally there are no double standards, a promiscuous man and a promiscuous woman are equally promiscuous. My views and thoughts on them are exactly the same.

Then there is the saying that goes "women cannot have sex without emotions getting in the way, it's just not possible." There maybe some truth to that. Outside of a drunken stupor how many women in the right frame of mind have felt absolutely 0% of feeling and emotion toward the man they are willingly having sex with? I think it's far easier for men to detach themselves and just see it as a physical act, but for women this is a much harder feat to achieve.

I know of a girl who I think was about 28 at the time who admitted to having over 100 partners. It was one of those girly 'drink up' evenings at my house and I just knew after that admission what was going through some of the minds of my long terms friends sitting in that room with me. So much so I was right when one said after she had left, "after you've had that many you might as well just charge them for it. What difference does it make?" And she may have a point, 100 partners, before you're 30 and as a woman at that I would advise anyone that horny to seriously just call it a day and make a living out of it and get paid.

When probed deeper [no pun intended], I found out during a summer working at one of those 18-30 holiday resorts in or near Spain that she thought she'd had about 40 or so that summer, some involved group and girly action too. To actually pose the question after the #100 admission "do you think that's a lot?" especially when some had said their husband was their only or another had admitted to having 3 or 4 partners in a lifetime, was absolutely shocking. You seriously don't think having over 100 men in your cooch and God knows where else is a lot? Sorry luv, you seriously need a wake up call. If she was my friend I'd actually need to seriously have a talk about her lifestyle rather than just sitting there smiling like a special needs Cheshire Cat whilst your friend is being grilled and roasted by a group of young women.

In my 29 years on this earth as a woman I have learned enough to categorically say that "a lot of women chat pure bullshit and are about nothing more than the bullshit." Women are so in competition with men these days it's actually quite scary and in a lot of respects sad. There is a reason why men are from Mars and women are from Venus, because they are two different places entirely. Keep your ass on your own damn planet! I hear the office stories of dejected and rejected women, and I sit in front of a guy who has no women problems after his weekend trysts with the ladies. Women over the past few years are really trying to pack their bags and move to the same planet that men come from and it's not working. Drinking yourselves into a drunken stupor and actually thinking it's impressive that you snogged [kissed] some random guy, brought him back to yours for a one night stand, or think because men get away with the personal attacks from sleeping around and are given a high five for their antics that it's now OK and acceptable to do the same. A woman who is comfortable with her own sexuality is one thing, a woman who claims she is comfortable with her blase approach to sex and have many multiple partners on the go thinks she's actually gaining respect for this new type of radical thinking noughties feminism we are now experiencing, she is not. From speaking with and working with a lot of men, I know exactly what they think and feel toward women like this, and lets just say, repsect and admiration is extremely far down the list, if even on it at all. A guy who himself has had a lot of partners or engages in casual sex doesn't necessarily want a woman to call his wife one day of somebody that has been around the block.

There is always 'the past is the past' element with regard to sex. Do you or don't you admit to your current squeeze when asked, the number of partners you've had? Should the fact remain that you are faithful to him or her and that you are clean [from sexual infections and diseases] account for something and be left at that? Some people really want to know, some ask, and some do tell. For some people and I'm sure this may apply to men as well because I honestly haven't asked my male friends this, but asking this question is more about finding out from your other half's sexual past if they are to be a worthy part of your future, rather than just being nosey. It's like getting in advance an idea of where you may potentially stand with somebody who refrains from sex solely for people they fall in love with or those that compete in it as a national sport.

I'll be honest if I found out a guy I was dating admitted he had changed his ways but had slept with over 100 women, I wouldn't be so comfortable knowing this or being with him. Some of the things going through my mind would be:

• Are any of these women still in contact.
• Did he cheat on any with another one.
• Did any of these sexual conquests result in a child/children, whether born or not.
• Did he ever contract and STI or pass one onto any of them.
• How many of these women were group encounters.
• What seriously makes having sex with me any different or special from Miss 1-100???

I think for a man some of these questions would be the same. It would only be normal and human to have reservations about starting up a relationship with a man who's idea of sex seemed to be a regular pastime and nothing meaningful or special.

Back to the women and bullshit theory. This same girl admitted to having no shame in her game. BULLSHIT! So why when we are at the club you dragged me off the dance floor in mid flow to hide behind my 5'8 frame whilst you were hiding from a past sexual conquest? After he found you and spoke to you, you looked like you wanted to curl up and die. That doesn't reek to me of a sexually confident woman who has no shame in her game. If you sleep with a lot of men, honey let's be real here, you are bound to bump into him fully clothed at some point.

Remember Samantha Jones? Now there was no shame in her game. When the girls were out and they'd spot a cute guy, Samantha would have no problem in proclaiming ever so casually whilst sipping her Martini "I fucked him." And him and him and him and every other a episode was a past encounter for Samantha. Now I never agreed with Samantha's sex life and numerous partners, but I admired her because she did what she wanted and made no excuses for it. She really wasn't about the bullshit. Even when she experimented and became a part-time lesbian she was ever so proud and felt no shame in her admissions. Samantha represented a woman that I feel so many wanted to be like, although many followed they couldn't get past the emotional detachment element that Samantha possessed. Miss Jones is fabulous, beautiful, successful and acts like a man [sexually] and has no inhibitions or regrets toward sex, and rarely did she. She fell in love twice over 6 seasons with Richard and Smith, and Samantha rarely had a man stay over, and rarely was he a long term project in her boudoir. She ended up breaking her foot in an episode when Smith tried to hold her hand. After all the men Samantha had been with that was just too much intimacy for her. She backed off, stumbling backwards landing on a pile of fruit.

She was so detached from emotion she even told Smith to just sleep with whoever he wanted on location for a movie. She soon retracted when she discovered her feelings for him were more than just that of a sexual nature.

Women like Samantha Jones, don't have man trouble, wait for him to call, expect expensive gifts or trips around the world. They aren't expecting or even want a marriage proposal or children. They don't do any other intimacy other than sex, and they'd much prefer a post coital sleep over having a cuddle and a talk post orgasm.

If you are finding that after your multiple sexcapdaes with men or women are leaving you wanting more than just the sex, then maybe the bullshit theory applies to you that you are indeed kidding yourselves over just what it is you are doing. The new age idea of casual sex being fun and great doesn't last very long especially for the women. Ladies if you're going to go the route of "It's just about the sex" it should mean just that. So stop with the depression and the teary eyes when he doesn't call or professing to your girlfriends that he is indeed a dog who got what he wanted when you gave him what you wanted. And stop hiding from him if you see him in the street. It's tiresome. A "hello, how are you?" will suffice and keep it moving. Running away from a past conquest = a regretful and embarrased woman hiding from a sexual mistake.

Contrary to popular belief no amount of great sex is going to make a man want to be with you. Yes he may keep coming back for more but that's because well...the sex is great and my dear to him you may just be an easy lay. Just because he's sleeping with you do not confuse this for he actually respects you and wants to be with you for the long term either. Like women, men want women that tick all of the right boxes. So please give them some credit. They too are looking for a woman that they can connect with on all levels imaginable, and when you give them too much in the form of sex at the drop of a hat then you are leaving not a lot for them to go out and chase for themselves and even desire. Men don't want to work too hard and do all of the work but they do love the thrill of the chase and finding out about you as a person and what's on the inside emotionally for them is just as important if not more [sometimes] about the physical.

What's my take personally [for myself] on promiscuity and a bunch of partners?