Birthday Dinner #3 - The Lobster Pot - CANCELLED!

Wanna know why bloggers? The outcome of one of my What Would You Do If...? sparked the raging bull in LondonDiva and got ta drinking the truth serum. Cancelled the dinner reservation and forwarded the cancellation confirmation on as I don't want any correspondence about anything. So dinner is cancelled you have the e-mail, please don't hit me up for anything regarding Saturday.

Now that is one example of many that I've let slide but it was a mixture of things on Monday [yesterday] that set it off like Jada n dem to the point of, "the hell you are not gonna try and steal my damn joy and knock my black ass off this path."

I LondonDiva can honestly hold my hands up and ADMIT ALL OF MY WRONG DOINGS, FLAWS AND FAULTS.

NOBODY needs to point them out to me EVER! I know when I'm being sweet, nice, sincere, loving, moody, vex, agitated, aggressive, too hot to the point where I want to hit somebody with a frying pan. I know the actions of the words that leave my mouth and words that are typed up in e-mails and on blogs that may cause offence, and ones that may uplift.

But do you?? [In reference to cancelled dinner partner]

Nope.

Very rarely, let me repeat that, VERY RARELY do I have regrets these days. So far in 2009 I can't remember having one. If there is one it's slipped my mind. I go to sleep with no worries I wake up with none. I maybe pissed at times in the middle of the day but I deal with it.

See here's what went down bullet point style. No real D-R-A-M-A- per se, but enough for me to stop acting like a pussy and sparing feelings and just getting real in an e-mail with it.

**R-E-W-I-N-D**

Scratch the bullet points. I went back over certain labels on my blog and came up with all of these instances by this one person where I've had to go all blog therapy like up in here. I kinda remember writing them, but like I said, this blog is like therapy for me so when I've said it, I feel cleansed of the BS and drama.

I re-read every single one of these and was like "DAMN Nai you've been feeling like this for the longest, and for the sake of going ape shit and buckwild held it all in till yesterday."

Here they are.

http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2009/02/times-up.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/11/there-is-such-thing-as-too-much.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/11/what-exactly-is-written-on-my-forehead.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/11/what-kind-of-friend-are-you.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/10/we-go-together-like-rama-lama-lama-ke.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/10/she-says-she-says.html

Last week I was asked about sending over the book via e-mail again. I said no. She thought I was joking. Asked again yesterday said no and went to explain why [as she asked for a second time]. Oh she wants to cut me off telling me there's no need for me to explain myself. Oh really so what the fuck are those thoughts and feelings on her lazy ass being blogged about above? Me sitting there in happy mode trying to make up shit?

I had to cut my work at work and e-mail her because Lord knows like therapy this was not going to hold me hostage for the day. I wrote an I don't give a shit e-mail aka It's about time someone told you about yourself the same way you wanna tell her [her other friend] about herself.

Well..

She responded in kind, getting all assy which had me kinda doing a gay man rolling of the eyes and limp wristed flick and was like you know what "a big fat whatever. Tired of your bullshit, and just requested the DVDs and book she talked about returning to just put in a plastic bag and fling over the wall over the side of my house. Leave a note in the door so I'll know when to go and get it....IN YOUR OWN TIME OF COURSE."

It was like someone saying you gave me a black eye and the person responding with "well you deserved it because..." and tried to turn it all on me.

I am not the Rihanna of friendships, so you know something there was no thinking or admission in her reply that was on the line of "well Nai doesn't act like this toward me often or at all to receive such an e-mail, let me hold back for a second and actually check my behaviour. Am I at fault here? If so where? Screw that let me put it all on her and take the onus off of me." That's what I saw. I can write for England...not today. A lot of decisions have been made in my head. Things weighed. Scenarios played out. Nothing with me is rash. I think about the consequences. Length of friendship doesn't mean worth a damn to me, the quality and effort does. And I think because the length of it [friendship] has played a part before that's what's made me think stick with it for the long haul. And it's not ONLY ABOUT A BOOK she's so far up her rear end she can't even see this. It's about disregard and a lack of respect for me. Trust I've had many issues, some I've let slide others I haven't, and even sought advice on the forum before. Many people saying LD leave her to her, find a new friend, go abut your business.

Over the past few weeks I'm trying so hard to be a better person. It may not look it from Blogville but I am. I cannot be one of these happy, happy, joy, joy type people I need to be by myself for some time before I see anyone when I wake up. I need to compose myself, and spend time getting in that place. So I spend my mornings getting ready to Joyce Meyer and before retiring in the evening [tonight before The Wire] I do the same. I now read my Starting Your Day Right book and Ending Your Day Right book. I joked yesterday where is the book for the middle of the day when trying to deal with the MF'ers who are trying to steal your damn joy? I wrote on Twitter today something about me and my temperament being like that of an addict. I was once a very negative person who is going through recovery, why surround myself around people or situations that would make me want to relapse?

Looking at the dates of those blogs and many it seems like for a while now and then some [not blogged about] I have been teetering in falling off the wagon. Don't get me wrong that and her is not my sole reason for a 'relapse', but it is a huge part.

With regard to this friendship right here I need to be by myself for a long ass time. Loooooooooooooong. One way ticket long. Her response was very LondonDiva's mother-like and I can only deal with one momma. Now she has her issues, which caused me to have mine. I'm not dealing with another mum type in my life to the point where every time we talk it's gotta be like a damn therapy session.

Aside from that, too many signs I'm taking as God like which are saying to me "what's in it for you?" "Do you feel valued?" "Is there a future there?" "Focus your attention on a new friendship that actually benefits you." "Your time in this place ends here."

Whatever the specific sign all I know is LondonDiva has had enough. Is this my Rihanna/Chris Brown situation without physical punches.? P'd off time and time again. Said nothing let the behaviour slide. I'm there feeling a certain way and when I reach breaking point speak up and say something it's all my fault? BAM Slapped upside the head again!

Battered woman's syndrome.
Tired of the friend syndrome.
Both women are tired of the excuses made and seeing no change.

See a bag.

Pack it and leave.

If I stay she'll only do it again.