What A Bloody Waste Of A Month!

I can and will only blame procrastination so much for not accomplishing so many things that I needed and wanted to do in this month of July.

I can always admit when I'm wrong, lazy and just not in the mood for people, places and things. It's not a sign of weakness and will never see it as that. It's the people who pretend everything is great, happy and perfect that you need to watch out for. Believe me. 

P.A.T.I.E.N.C.E.

'Patience is a virtue.'

'My patience is being tested'

Two very well known short and simple sayings we repeat to ourselves over and over again in the course of our lifetimes.

If I have to wait [be patient] I let my frustration be known.

If my patience is being tested I let my frustration be known.

I can't help it. I'm a vocal person. I like to get things off my chest.

But do you ever get tired of talking?

Sometimes silence is golden, yet it can be extremely deafening, which brings true understanding to the meaning of "some things are better left unsaid."

So....I'm gonna shut.my.mouth!

Fellas Say This....The Ladies Say That!

Alright, I've noticed a distinct difference over the past month comments, messages I've recieved about the cheating expose blog posts I've done from both men and women.

1. I have moved on. I'm not stuck on this dude. Me exposing his ways is something that I felt needed to be done via my blog and I have done that. Please don't get it confused. The only feeling I have for this person is dislike, not hatred. If he wants to e-mail me then fine. Just know some it may get posted.

2. Fellas please go 'head thinking this is too harsh etc. Seperate yourself from this fool and stop the brothaman kinship where in this case you need to distance yourself from men like this, especially if you are a good man. I don't stand on the sidelines everytime a woman does something out of order and support her JUST because she is a woman. It does not suit you. Reading what I wrote for some maybe a wake up call to themselves to keep themselves in check. You get a few female celebrities putting their husbands on blast, divorcing them, not working it, women like myself putting their business on blast for whoever to see with an ISP, now some fellas wanna act a lil scared. Act scared!

3. I am not part of the 'stand by your man' brigade. For me this was a public service. Which has served it's purpose. My blog posts are no different to websites created out there for women and men to expose individuals. I choose not to do it anonymously. Most people that know me know I go by this handle and have done for well over 10 years.

4. It was more about my own therapy and getting my shit out rather than revenge. If you see it solely as revenge then hey *another Kanye shrug*

5. I am allowed to be bitter over any damn thing I choose to be in my life. Was I bitter? Yes. Am I bitter now? No the hell I am not. I made a concious decision to keep those who wanted to know updated. Like I said certain things I keep private, certain things I don't care who knows. This was one of them.

6. The ladies seem to be OK with my posts. I wonder why? Probably because they too have experienced it and reading about cheating men 24/7, 365 in every damn newspaper and magazine they are just sick of it. Maybe they liked that I had the balls not to be a broken woman about mine and tell it like it is. Who knows??

7. If you are a trife man or woman and don't know how to act right, then maybe, just maybe you deserve to have someone expose you. Why should your ways go unnoticed and remain hidden?

8. Please. Before you want to comment and say "LD how could you....?" go on and ask him "how could he...?" THEN and only then ask me that?

9. Regrets???? None. I'm sleeping very soundly at night.

10. The cousin who I mentioned in the blog posts [not by name] removed me from his FB today. I expected that to happen months ago. Maybe some folks think I may go on and start exposing them. Nope. I only had time to talk about my own personal ish. I am expecting rumours to be flying around that I'm crazy, hateful and vengeful and to watch out cause LD may start emailing them ish. I have to remember I'm dealing with an habitual liar here and be prepared. I have not and will not be e-mailing anybody 'spilling info' without prompting. My business is here in the open. I'm a very honest person. If you come to me wanting answers, details, dates etc well then hey I'll be more than happy to say what I know and not fabricate anything.

Life Really Is Too Short

It's been the worst day of 2010 so far. I got the tragic news this evening that one of my closest and dearest friends lost her husband today. Words right now cannot even express what I feel for her at the moment. In the last 5 hours I've lost count of the number of phone calls made and received, everyone is rallying together to get a flight out to the US to support her next week or whenever the time comes to lay him to rest.

Seriously I cannot begin to tell you what a wonderful man her husband was. I miss him already. 

I'm going to be off here for a while probably until after I get back from Texas. My mind is not right and even writing this doesn't even seem to make sense at the moment. 

I can't get in contact with my other half to speak to him right now, and now more than ever every minute that goes by that I don't literally hurts. I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through. 

So please if you can do two things because I don't feel I have the strength to right now is pray for her and his family and whoever you love, please tell them that you love them.

Till whenever x

"Leaving On A Jet Plane...Don't Know When I'll Be Back Again"

I sing that every day...I wonder what that tells you!

So at 11:07am my mood has shifted slightly since I wrote that last blog. The thing that gets me out of a funk is planning a trip. So I’m planning a long term Australia/New Zealand/Far East/Asia trip, don't know for when exactly but sometime in 2010.

When you fly to Oz you may as well take advantage of the close proximity and travel all around. So whether it takes me 6, 8 or 12 weeks the following are on my list of places to go to Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, New Zealand, Laos, Cambodia, Tokyo, Kuala Lumpur, Borneo, Bali, Hong Kong, Singapore, Vietnam. I don’t think I’m ready for India yet to be honest. One day, I will go just to say I’ve gone, but it’s not one of the places I have to visit just yet. Great now, I’m craving some Indian food!

A return to Australia costs about £499 return from London and all of the internal flights zipping from here there and everywhere won’t be that much. Trust me after the morning I’ve had, planning ‘a getaway’ seems VERY fitting to say the least.

“When I Break, I Break”

Before I even step foot outside of my bed this morning I am pissed off.

Like one of the people I follow on twitter says “I QUIT people!” I do, only certain people. I haven’t got the energy, the patience or the tolerance to deal right about now.

**Deep breath** Lord have mercy.

It’s about 9:30am as I write this and I’m ready to just go the hell home and head straight for my damn bed. I was this close to calling in sick, rolling over and going back to bed.

I’m not in the mood for affirmations, afformations, positive thinking, law of attraction, prayer, thoughts or anything on the plus side right about now. I’m so over on the dark side, I make Darth Vader look like friggin Sooty.

I don’t know whether it’s others I should be questioning or my damn self.

Just hurry up 5pm! Hurry the hell up!

Some Things Are Going To Change Around Here!

• After printing off my landline phone bills from 2009 from my online account [I'm organised like that] I noticed I spend too much time on the damn phone. If it wasn't accomplished in 2009 I was probably yabbering the damn year away.
• Speaking of phones, I seem to have a habit of knowing quite a few rude people who love to have more than 1 conversation going on at the same time, but don't know how to say "excuse me" for a moment. or those moments turn into a fully fledged conversation. Do it and expect to hear a dialling tone, or I'll ask you to call back when you have more time.
• Just because my phones ring it doesn't mean I have to answer them. I'm getting very good at that now. I've realised I'd answer every call even if I didn't have the time or want to speak to a person right there and then. I've learnt to appreciate ME time and calling back when I feel like it. I know when I've rung certain people they don't always answer the phone or call me back, it's time I adopted the same attitude, plus I have too many bloody things to do.
• Just because it's sold in the shop it doesn't mean I have to buy it. If I got a buzz from spending money, I actually get a better buzz of saving it now.
  
• I've adopted this one before and it's staying "I'm not waiting on anyone."  Whether it's the movies or a trip overseas. You can't make it....I'm gone. Listen, I've managed to take my ass to Thailand and trek in the rainsforest on an elephant by my damn self, I'm sure I can see a movie without adult company. Plus these days if you want to travel with someone go to TravBuddy. It's 2010 be adventurous and step outside of the box. I'm stepping so far outside the box I'd need  a map to go back and find it!
  
• My bucket list has been revised to things I actually want to do, as opposed to listing things I THINK I may want to do. So far there are 8 things on there. My one from a few years ago had over 24 things on there. I'm not even remotely excited by over half of them. It was time to scrap it and revise it to something more REAL for ME.
• I'm being less considerate. Now I know this may sound really bad, but being too considerate has done me no favours. I need to be more considerate of me first and foremost.
• BS. We all know what that is. I'm doing very well in giving up cursing so I'm not about to go backwards for the sake of a blog post. Your BS, can you please leave it at the door. Here in my little world it's actually a criminal offence.
• I'm a grown woman. Talk to me like one. Like an adult. If it's not possible for you to manage you'll see the back of me walking away, a dial tone or NO RESPONSE to your renk email.
• I've learnt to relax, relate, release. AKA think before acting, speaking, doing. Peaceful, calm like, zen like. Please don't get it confused, it doesn't mean I'll be acting blindly to all BS that comes my way, it simply means the way in which you're handled won't be abrupt. It's all about "I wish you well" and keeping it moving. No time for chapter and verse.
• When I've dealt with me, then I'll deal with you [unless it's seriously dire]. Do you know how much of my time I've put on hold for people and when I've needed them.....well you know the rest.
• I can't expect people to be what I want them to be. I can either accept them for who and what they are or don't. I understand some are unlike me and not as prompt when it comes to making plans. I accept it may take you a week to get back to me, but please accept I made plans with somebody else. Sorry I get tired of waiting and I'm always a day closer to dying. No need for vexation, I accept you're slow, I've accepted I'm not. Now let's all hold hands and sing Kum-Bay-Yah!

"Welcome To The Real World"

Ever gone to open up your mouth to speak, you're about to say the first word then you clamp it shut?? Well that's how my fingers have been acting toward this keyboard and typing up a blog post. I click on 'new post' then hit the X in the top right hand corner and log straight off.

I love my blog I really do. I love the people that take the time to read about me rant, rave, recommend, inspire [I hope], and just be myself and [kinda] love me for...hell just being me. I'm using love in the like sense here folks.

Out of all of the months in 2009 I think December has been the most challenging for me personally. I knew I was a thinker, but damn I didn't realize just how much. In limbo, out of sync, indecisive, up and down...whatever you want to call it I have been it. Don't get me wrong I haven't been depressed or anything, I've actually been enjoying myself a hell of a lot, but you can't do that for every minute of the day, and when I'm not, that's when the brain gets to ticking. Thinking about where I want to be, where I don't want to be, where I want to go, where I don't want to go, and just figuring out what do I want in life to make me blissfully happy and content.

One thing I've learnt is that you can't rely on other people to determine your happiness. Even if they do make you happy, you have to be content and happy with yourself first and foremost, and I think that has been my biggest problem in my 30 years of existence on this earth. I've always relied on other people to make me happy, and when they don't it's a major let down. I've become the best type of selfish there is, and that's by putting me first. It doesn't mean to hell with everybody else [not at all] but it just means that I cannot put my wants and needs aside to tend to somebody else's ALL OF THE TIME like I used to.

My major issue used to be never knowing what I meant to certain people in my life. Kind of like wanting and needing some validation and acceptance. I've come to a point where you know what, you either tell me with sincerity or you don't. I'm not about to dig and ask people anymore what value I hold to them. The way they are towards me will be validation enough. I don't need to seek for that validation anymore, because it really does ring true about "it's what you think about you that matters, not what anybody else thinks." And for the first time I actually 'get it, think it and feel it.' I think highly of myself, love myself, deserve the very best and want the best. I always thought and felt it was wrong to think and feel that way, like I needed people to give me those things *shakes head* I don't. What they add onto that is a bonus and I'll accept it gladly if and when they decide to give it to me, but it's not about relying on it or seeking it anymore.

This is not me feeling or acting cold, it's just the reality kicking in. Does this officially mean I'm a real grown up? That the internal 18 year old has caught up with the external 30 year old? Who knows. I'm sure forever there will always remain that youthful and at times childlike element to my character that won't hurt or hinder the little picking of wisdom I'm gathering along the way. But truth be told, I honestly don't like this grown up feeling [YET], but it is something I'm going to have to get used to, because if I want the things in life grown ups are supposed to have then I better get on with it. Hadn't I? And for once...I know exactly what I want.

"I Feel Good. I Knew That I Would..So Good, So Good I Got You..."

What's going on blogville?

Why is it you're leaving/going on holiday or whatever the case may be, the work comes piling in? It's not work they've left for me to do, it's just at this precise moment there's been an influx.

Ah well…it will get done, before I leave on Tuesday.

I'm still happy, excited about the future and everything that has happened this week. Good and bad…was there really any bad…**thinks**maybe in terms of the altercation between friend and I, but that is overshadowed by my decisions which have come about that I believe are best from me.

It's funny I saw my cousin and friend on the train and tube this morning so had no time to read on my way into work, but I'm glad I saw them as I didn't know when I'd see them for a while in the mornings. As I was speaking about the 'friend' situation to my cousin, it dawned on me that I was SOOOOO OK with the decision that I made to literally pull away from a 13/14 year friendship.

Yeah people maybe all "LondonDiva, are you sure? That's a long time you guys have been friends. You sure you shouldn't calm down and then see how you feel." No, no. no. It's not the quantity, but the quality that counts. I've had too many signs, things I've heard and couple with the way I'm feeling I know it's the right time for everything to be happening the way it is. My friend on the tube said, it's not worth being in a situation that's going to make you vex all the time. I totally agree. I'm more vex than happy with this individual, and as I can't change her, let me leave her to her own devices and get on with MY LIFE. My decision was made and revisited all on calm and collected moments so I know it's time. And I feel better than ever for it. Lose a job, lose a friend, and I have so much faith this is the start of some great things to come. Seriously I'm bouncing in every step I take. Long may it continue.

As I was typing this blog my friend in New York sent me this e-mail

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.' God is getting ready to bless you in a special way......Believe, Wait and Trust in Him.

Love :-)

Talk about things coming on time!!!

WHAT'S UP BLOGVILLE!?!?!?!?!

*SINGS The Carpenters*

"I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation

And the only explanation I can find"

**gets out tambourine**

Are most people that are told they have one week left in their place of employment usually this happy?

I woke up still feeling the same way as I did yesterday NOT GUTTED!! Full of energy, at peace, the motivation to just pursue and succeed.

Ummm which part do you think I'll actually be working much over the net week? It's all about making the plans baby. Trust!!! A LondonDiva is ON IT today. Next week it's not about sitting down watching daytime TV talking about "Oooooh isn't this nice! No work today." I always have things to do. Let me start now and be on it

Birthday Dinner #3 - The Lobster Pot - CANCELLED!

Wanna know why bloggers? The outcome of one of my What Would You Do If...? sparked the raging bull in LondonDiva and got ta drinking the truth serum. Cancelled the dinner reservation and forwarded the cancellation confirmation on as I don't want any correspondence about anything. So dinner is cancelled you have the e-mail, please don't hit me up for anything regarding Saturday.

Now that is one example of many that I've let slide but it was a mixture of things on Monday [yesterday] that set it off like Jada n dem to the point of, "the hell you are not gonna try and steal my damn joy and knock my black ass off this path."

I LondonDiva can honestly hold my hands up and ADMIT ALL OF MY WRONG DOINGS, FLAWS AND FAULTS.

NOBODY needs to point them out to me EVER! I know when I'm being sweet, nice, sincere, loving, moody, vex, agitated, aggressive, too hot to the point where I want to hit somebody with a frying pan. I know the actions of the words that leave my mouth and words that are typed up in e-mails and on blogs that may cause offence, and ones that may uplift.

But do you?? [In reference to cancelled dinner partner]

Nope.

Very rarely, let me repeat that, VERY RARELY do I have regrets these days. So far in 2009 I can't remember having one. If there is one it's slipped my mind. I go to sleep with no worries I wake up with none. I maybe pissed at times in the middle of the day but I deal with it.

See here's what went down bullet point style. No real D-R-A-M-A- per se, but enough for me to stop acting like a pussy and sparing feelings and just getting real in an e-mail with it.

**R-E-W-I-N-D**

Scratch the bullet points. I went back over certain labels on my blog and came up with all of these instances by this one person where I've had to go all blog therapy like up in here. I kinda remember writing them, but like I said, this blog is like therapy for me so when I've said it, I feel cleansed of the BS and drama.

I re-read every single one of these and was like "DAMN Nai you've been feeling like this for the longest, and for the sake of going ape shit and buckwild held it all in till yesterday."

Here they are.

http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2009/02/times-up.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/11/there-is-such-thing-as-too-much.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/11/what-exactly-is-written-on-my-forehead.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/11/what-kind-of-friend-are-you.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/10/we-go-together-like-rama-lama-lama-ke.html
http://londondiva.blogspot.com/2008/10/she-says-she-says.html

Last week I was asked about sending over the book via e-mail again. I said no. She thought I was joking. Asked again yesterday said no and went to explain why [as she asked for a second time]. Oh she wants to cut me off telling me there's no need for me to explain myself. Oh really so what the fuck are those thoughts and feelings on her lazy ass being blogged about above? Me sitting there in happy mode trying to make up shit?

I had to cut my work at work and e-mail her because Lord knows like therapy this was not going to hold me hostage for the day. I wrote an I don't give a shit e-mail aka It's about time someone told you about yourself the same way you wanna tell her [her other friend] about herself.

Well..

She responded in kind, getting all assy which had me kinda doing a gay man rolling of the eyes and limp wristed flick and was like you know what "a big fat whatever. Tired of your bullshit, and just requested the DVDs and book she talked about returning to just put in a plastic bag and fling over the wall over the side of my house. Leave a note in the door so I'll know when to go and get it....IN YOUR OWN TIME OF COURSE."

It was like someone saying you gave me a black eye and the person responding with "well you deserved it because..." and tried to turn it all on me.

I am not the Rihanna of friendships, so you know something there was no thinking or admission in her reply that was on the line of "well Nai doesn't act like this toward me often or at all to receive such an e-mail, let me hold back for a second and actually check my behaviour. Am I at fault here? If so where? Screw that let me put it all on her and take the onus off of me." That's what I saw. I can write for England...not today. A lot of decisions have been made in my head. Things weighed. Scenarios played out. Nothing with me is rash. I think about the consequences. Length of friendship doesn't mean worth a damn to me, the quality and effort does. And I think because the length of it [friendship] has played a part before that's what's made me think stick with it for the long haul. And it's not ONLY ABOUT A BOOK she's so far up her rear end she can't even see this. It's about disregard and a lack of respect for me. Trust I've had many issues, some I've let slide others I haven't, and even sought advice on the forum before. Many people saying LD leave her to her, find a new friend, go abut your business.

Over the past few weeks I'm trying so hard to be a better person. It may not look it from Blogville but I am. I cannot be one of these happy, happy, joy, joy type people I need to be by myself for some time before I see anyone when I wake up. I need to compose myself, and spend time getting in that place. So I spend my mornings getting ready to Joyce Meyer and before retiring in the evening [tonight before The Wire] I do the same. I now read my Starting Your Day Right book and Ending Your Day Right book. I joked yesterday where is the book for the middle of the day when trying to deal with the MF'ers who are trying to steal your damn joy? I wrote on Twitter today something about me and my temperament being like that of an addict. I was once a very negative person who is going through recovery, why surround myself around people or situations that would make me want to relapse?

Looking at the dates of those blogs and many it seems like for a while now and then some [not blogged about] I have been teetering in falling off the wagon. Don't get me wrong that and her is not my sole reason for a 'relapse', but it is a huge part.

With regard to this friendship right here I need to be by myself for a long ass time. Loooooooooooooong. One way ticket long. Her response was very LondonDiva's mother-like and I can only deal with one momma. Now she has her issues, which caused me to have mine. I'm not dealing with another mum type in my life to the point where every time we talk it's gotta be like a damn therapy session.

Aside from that, too many signs I'm taking as God like which are saying to me "what's in it for you?" "Do you feel valued?" "Is there a future there?" "Focus your attention on a new friendship that actually benefits you." "Your time in this place ends here."

Whatever the specific sign all I know is LondonDiva has had enough. Is this my Rihanna/Chris Brown situation without physical punches.? P'd off time and time again. Said nothing let the behaviour slide. I'm there feeling a certain way and when I reach breaking point speak up and say something it's all my fault? BAM Slapped upside the head again!

Battered woman's syndrome.
Tired of the friend syndrome.
Both women are tired of the excuses made and seeing no change.

See a bag.

Pack it and leave.

If I stay she'll only do it again.

And This Is The Very Reason I Started This Blog!

My lovely friend Hayley asked me to not let it spoil my day. The MJ ticket 'drama'. **See below**

I told her I'm over it now! Which I am. [Thanks for your concern Hay]

I started this blog because everything I saw that annoyed me I wanted to speak about it, whether it be that dumbass girl I see on the train wearing her night time headscarf thinking it's cute, to the way women and men interact [or don't] with one another. I also love to recommend things [and help out people] when I can, so thought why not jump on the blogville bandwagon.

Some people have therapists, others [me] have a blog. I get it out and off my chest. I don't care how controversial or demure it may be. This is MY haven to say MY piece any which way I feel, curse words [without fear of being banned from a forum] n all. I hate being restricted! Maybe that's why I spend less time there now.

I can scream, shout, holler, and be grateful, thankful and blessed whenever the mood takes me.

I'm over it, because I have it out of my system. So don't worry Hay, once it's on here I've gotten it out and feel much better. When I check it, and more importantly myself. Stress levels are extremely low bordering non-existent. I don't care about the repercussions, I say how I feel, whenever I want and whoever wants to get vex, can do just that get vex…I go home with NO worries NONE at all. And if I do, I pray for it to be turned over to God and ask for some peace and solitude. I never let it get to the point of consuming me that I can't eat, makes me ill or can't sleep.

I didn't expect readers. I didn't even expect a following. But I do and I'm grateful. Some may agree with me, others don't *shrugs* you're entitled to that. This was just for me to publicly vent, help, recommend and assist [and still is].

So if people want to tell me at some point to "get over it" [not referring to you Hay]…chances are as soon as I hit that submit button…I already have.

**KMT** - Kissing My Teeth!!

Remember I told you guys about the Michael Jackson tickets yesterday?

Right, well if you don't know here's the bullet point version for ya.

• Michael Jackson announced 10 shows in London @ The O2.
• Pre-Sale tickets went on sale yesterday @ 7am.
• 2 million people tried yesterday to purchase tickets. 2 MILLION!!! Each show has a 23,000 capacity.
• In order to get Pre-Sale tickets you had to register online.
• I registered, and passed on the URL to folks I know.
• Pre-Sale codes were given out [think of it like a lottery]. Not everyone got one.
• I got a Pre-Sale code. If you didn't have one you couldn't purchase tickets.
• My co-worker didn't get a code.
• My intention was to buy 4 tickets and sell them ALL [donating a portion to charity]. I have no intention of going to the concert.
• I tried at 7am no luck. I go to work tried a little after 9am got 4 tickets.
• She wanted to go, so I said OK if I get 4 you can have 2 [at face value]. *Dumb fuck LondonDiva*
• You have 5 minutes to decide whether you want the tickets once they are allocated on Ticketmaster.
• Co-worker is fine with the seat location [upper level tier 4] the highest level in the venue.
• Money is exchanged she has her 2 I have my 2.
• Fast forward to this morning she's not happy with her seat location, will sell those 2 and try and get General Release tickets tomorrow.

OK here's why I'm pissed. My sister tried 3 times over x amount of hours yesterday trying to get tickets. She had seat allocations 3 TIMES and was booted out EVERYTIME!! I tried for her today and can't get any. My other friend Hayley was trying HARD to get tickets yesterday [she eventually got some after a few hours on her Pre-Sale code].

Then I hear she's selling the two she got on my Pre-Sale code [you were allowed a max of 4 tickets per person]. **HEAD TILT TO THE SIDE AND FUNNY DOG NOISE THAT IF TRANSLATED IN ENGLISH WOULD SAY "HUH??"** I was thinking hell no. So you're gonna look to profit on tickets which were my intention to do so anyway on my code or could have sold them to my sister? I offered to get them on my code because...well....she didn't have one.

Moral of the story....next time get 4 fucking tickets and give 2 to my sister for her and her boyfriend. I could have used my Pre-Sale code for someone else that's content where they're sitting. BE GRATEFUL I took some mercy on you yearning to go and used 2 out of my 4 spots. There was 5 minutes to say no. 5 minutes yeah!!

"It's like saying thanks for getting me 2 tickets on your code, I'm now gonna sell em on and make some change, even though I know that was your original intention from when the shows were announced."

Sorry y'all, if the role was reversed I personally wouldn't have sold on the tickets having been given the opportunity to get some on their code. Especially when they didn't have to.

No one talk to me today I am NOT in the mood, especially now my sister and her boyfriend have to contend with how many millions from around the world clogging up that blasted website tomorrow. My sister's cool with it. But from my point of view...NAH!!!

I'll keep trying on my sister's Pre-Sale code though...

Time's Up

I've been patient. I've vented. I asked time and time again. I've received nothing in terms of effort. I am tired of asking.

I'm trying to put together a birthday book, think of it like a high school style year book, documenting 2009 for the 30th Birthday as a keepsake. I suggested the idea of doing a scrap type book and getting two copies published with pictures of what was happening, what we did etc in 2009 as well as on our birthdays.

Well after birthday dinner #1 which was on January 31st I was up until 5:38am [yes 5:38am] that very night until February 1st getting this book started. I e-mailed it over for my friend to get started on that very morning via e-mail. Sent a text to let them know I've e-mailed it over. I've made a few calls since then only specifically to say get it back to me so I can edit it and add pictures and then some. I've been told "yes" and "OK" merely to be pacified it seems. I'm not buying the "I'm busy" excuse, or "I've forgotten" or "I've had a lot on". I'm so busy [outside of the office] I'm having to actually do a month long project to organise all my shit over the course of the year for long term and short term goals. No one knows busy like me. Trust! [although there are some I'm sure]. So if I can do mine, they can do theirs.

I am NOT asking anymore. My stress levels don't need to be exhausted and I shouldn't have to ask more than once. I think a month is adequate time to open a word document, add the necessary text and send it back to me. Realistically it should take an hour at most. I've stressed the importance of having each month done on the book before the next month starts, so I'm not stressing in December trying to do a massive project. And now January and February entries are done on my part I've had nothing back from them. Sorry, my black ass isn't doing it. I asked more than once, and that is that.

No more of this bending for folks who seem to not be able to hear me when I speak. It's blatant disregard and lack of respect. I give people time. I give people notice. I'm not the type of person to do that to other people. Shoot, if I go three hours without returning an e-mail I'm racked with guilt. A bad habit I know, but I like to get back to people and treat people how I want to be treated and not keep them waiting or at least being apologetic if I do.

So what am I going to phone for again today? "Can you please add your parts and send it back to me please?" Only to be told "OK" and receive nada? My time is precious and it's being wasted. Part of this little project is being wasted in me waiting to add her parts to what I'm continuously adding onto.

I was waiting literally two days before the Birthday lunch #2 to find out where we were going and at what time when we'd discussed this from December 2008. My March and May restaurant choices have already been booked. This person organises for a living and can't even be organised with a friend. I'm sure deadlines would be met when it comes to her career, and the same dedication should follow through in their personal lives. The fact that this is a continuing issue used to pose a problem with me, but no more. I need joy and peace in my life on every level and those that can't come through, simply get left. *Holds hand up* I see this as the equivalent of being ignored, which is actually what it is. So based on this book AND the What Would You Do If…? Blog from yesterday.

I'M O.U.T.

It's been eradicated, therefore no stress, no more venting. See why I don't need a therapist? I get all my shit out, and what's not benefiting me or my needs, needs to be given the elbow. Not talking about the person, but this lack of effort.

I'll do me.

We're nearly 30 years old. There is no excuse. Fix up! Cha! I'll get vex with myself if I don't follow through. I'm tired of being disappointed by other people. So my book WILL get done and I've OFFICIALLY bowed out of the event. Thing is, they don't know [unless they read the blog]. Not being mean by not saying anything, but I think it's best not to mention it as it will cause an issue. I have no time for issues or potential unnecessary drama. I've advised that "not every fight needs to be fought." So for once I'm taking my own advice and keeping my cool. And most importantly please myself.

All this waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting on people. No more! Respect me. Respect my time.

Pet Peeves!

I have a ton!

As I write this as EVERYDAY this woman doesn't know how to eat a raatid sandwich quietly. To hear the breaking down of food mixed with saliva is horrid. Everyone else can eat quietly except her.

And eating with your mouth open. Lawd Jesus! There is no need for it.

Aww hell she one more half of the sandwich to go!

Pray for me!

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

This is what's known as an idiom.

I say it because I don't know if you sometimes feel that people get a little too familiar with you where they think they can:

• Go the extra [negative] mile.
• Take the piss.
• Think because you're friends/colleagues/family that they can 'ramp' with you for better sense of the word.
• Say something out of turn thinking it's funny/clever when it's actually disrespectful.

Not actually realising that as a friend/colleague/family member you're not exempt and if you cross the line with me, I will put my foot up your ass and tell you about yourself.

I'm a laid back kind of gal. I don't bother people unless they bother me. I have my real 'act the fool' moments where I possess the inner qualities of a child. Then there is also that other side to me that just like that *snaps fingers* I'm as serious as a mutha if you push my buttons. There's a difference to being a joker and being rude and offensive. People are grown and should know the distinct difference between the two. Are people even aware of boundaries anymore and what is deemed as acceptable and what isn't?

Like I've said to some folks that rock the boat a little, "don't get too comfortable with me for me to have to tell you about yourself." I used to think that I was a joker way too much and should act more serious to avoid this happening. Then I thought that if I'm capable of being non-offensive to people, then what the hell am I adapting my ways for when I'm aware of how someone can be pissed off from the words coming out of my mouth.

I seriously don't look/act soft, so why some folks act like I am is beyond me.

Jesus Take The Wheel

**Puts back of hand on forehead**

Yes I'm getting extra black and dramatic with it. [Think black folks at funerals who want to fling themselves on the coffin].

I'm feelin it! I'm feeling the sickness take over my body. **raises hands to the heavens**

Lord I went outside in the Alaskan style cold [really dramatic now can't you tell] to get some soup and everywhere is shut. I had to opt for a sushi lunch and got a miso soup just to tackle the germoids creepin in my system. I got that hot/cold thing going on, and all I can think about it my bed, and I'm not even tired. I got that run down pre-cold attack of something going on. And I'm sitting here in the office with a wool shawl draped over me. I can't even finish my food and I LOVE FOOD! And it's sushi too. I must be sick.

I'm still feeling FIERCE though!!

**cough cough**

You Better Work It Girl!

I cannot lie! Miss Naomi aka LondonDiva feels fierce today like my fellow South Londoner and namesake Ms Campbell. It's amazing what a lil at home pampering will do for a girl. I hooked my hair up and didn't finish that till 2am last night. [You know how we black women do]. Threaded my eyebrows Tyra Banks style, and I'm getting much better at it I must say, they are definitely on point, the best they've ever looked! And at 5am I'm only just applying the 2nd coat of dark red vampish nail lacquer courtesy of Sally Hansen post my 4am bubble bath.

Yes the hours are crazy that I'm up 'doing me' but anybody that knows me knows my sleep pattern in terrible, plus I didn't have to be up until 8:30am, it's another 3 day week due to New Years so the amount of sleep I need is pretty minimal. I've been sleeping like a true Vampire over the holiday period bed in the morning/afternoon and up in the evening. I think Sunday was the worst. Bed at 1 in the afternoon and up around 7pm. Hence the 5am to 8:30 nap/sleep this morning. Must have paid off, I got more looks this morning than I've received in the past month put together.

Mad Is Not Even The Word

I went to my little cousin's 7th birthday party today. Her birthday was on Friday. Afterwards I went back to my aunts house with my cousin, my sister and our niece. My sister was having the girls for the night [we're all lunching tomorrow] so we went back to drop all the presents off and get her things for the night.

So while all of that is going on my aunt fills me in on the hard time my little bunny has been having at school. A hard enough time that my aunt wants her moved from class, and will start looking for a new school in the New Year. A hard enough time my little cousin has nobody to play with at school. A hard enough time that my aunt noticed two small patches of missing hair in her head that we both think is a result of stress from this all. One of these little bitches told my cousin to her face that she and some other girls were going to come to her party to beat her up. The little wench has no idea who her family are I suppose. There was more, but at 3am I'm too tired to list it all. I'd heard enough by then. I was trying so hard not to break down in front of my aunt. This evening I cannot lie I have been depressed as hell, low is not even the word. That little girl is my heart. I was right in the room when she was born. I cut her cord and I was the first one in the world to hold her. She's not like me or my sister who would slap a bitch in an instant, she's a sweet girl, the sweetest I know, but I know she's flipped already because she threatened to "slap the white off a girl" at school. Good on her too. And that's not like her.

She told her mum the reason she thinks this is happening is because she's black. She's the only black one in her class and she's the top of her class, Level 9 and the bitches are on Level 6 and 30 shades lighter than she is. She's already said she wants to go to Oxford University and become a heart surgeon [I don't know if Oxford is the right institution for that but at least she has high hopes]. She goes to a private school, and my aunt will be looking for another more mixed private school. I can honestly say my heart broke today for her. At 6 years old I knew nothing about prejudice and I was in school over 20 years ago and this BS is still going on in schools but are exposed to this at a much earlier age in life in 2008.

I couldn't even utter the word "hello" when I called Mrs H this evening, I just broke down. I just take comfort in the fact that my cousin talks to her mother and has plenty of people in her family that love and support her. I'm going to have to pull her aside tomorrow and let her know I'm here for her whenever she wants to come over and stay or call me on the phone, just reiterate that to her. There are kids under the age of 10 killing themselves because of similar situations. I will be damned if my cousin gets that affected that she has problems in later life, because I'll probably end up having a problem too and it's called jail time. When it comes to family I do not need to be tested in any capacity.

PMS: Part 2

It's got a hold of me and I can't shake it. Yesterday at home [thankfully behind closed doors] I was a crazy woman without the straight jacket. I was just mad and angry for no reason. I swore than if anybody got as so much in my way on my way home last night they wouldn't have even gotten a warning. Right now as I type this my blood is boiling. I can see why some women physically attack folks when they have it, the best target are big men way taller than you. When you have PMS you gain a super strength like no other, and there is just an air of fear that surrounds you as you walk on by. Apparently the testosterone levels in women around this time are much higher hence the mood swings, and we all know that men are pure testosterone. [I'll have to research that though].

The boss eating his crisps just extra loud is just setting me off and I really do think if he says anything to me I'm going to go off. I know the cause is my hormones, there is no upset or tragedy in my life for me to acting otherwise. I tried to just talk myself out of the mood and watch something lighthearted last night [I opted for Family Guy] but it just wasn't working. But seriously for fuck sake I want the old me back. I'm straight up evil at the moment [mostly in thought] I've thought about messing folks up Kill Bill style and this is not helping with trying to remain focused and balanced. I am so Jekyll and Hyde right now I hate it. The best thing for me to do is remain quiet and not to look at anybody. I think when I'm married for 3 days out of every month I'm going to have to check into a hotel. I don't wish a PMS woman on any man. Except OJ of course and that bastard Clarence Thomas

If I could help it, Trust me I would...I really would.